Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello Doctor
         Well there's this girl i like whom I have been friends with for about eight months.Initailly when i knew her she just broke up. However awhile after i developed interest in her she got back with her ex. And recently, one month ago, they broke up again. I then moved closely with her, trying to be there for her. Initially we communicated quite alot. I then found out through my friend that she said that i actually had a chance to be her boyfriend earlier before she got back with her ex, just that i didnt make the move. Thus, i didnt want to make the mistake this time round. Well just last week she complained of having a tough time. So i thought i'll get her a box of cookies to make her feel better. Then when i told her i wanted to past it to her, she said thanks and was willing to meet me. However during our meeting, she said thanks and told me never ever to get her a gift and trouble myself again. Ever since then, for about two days already, I have been trying to initiate conversations with her via sms, but they were very shortlived. Apparently she is also very busy now since our exams are around the corner. The thing is that,I dunno what to do from now. The reason why i m still chasing her is because she once liked me and i still like her. Izzit because of my box of cookies that she is getting slightly unresponsive? Or that she is busy? How should i continue my pursuit for her? Should i leave her alone and dont talk to her for a few days? Pls help me. Tks alot.

Morgan

ANSWER: Hello Morgan!

Oh! How often I hear this story - guys that have great chances with great girls only to blow them by not moving when they had the chance.

Morgan, STOP USING SMS TO TRY TO CONTACT THIS GIRL!!!! It makes you look like a scared, weak, coward! No wonder she's ignoring them! It's the absolute safest, no-risk option you have. Do you really think that makes any girl attracted to you?

The cookies aren't the issue; although that may have been too much too soon. You shouldn't be giving gifts to girls unless there's a foundation for it. Simply knowing her - and using the gift as an excuse to see her puts unreasonable pressure on her - and she doesn't want that. I don't blame her.

I suggest you give this some distance. Give her at least 5 days before you contact her again. Then, when you do, DO NOT TEXT HER!! Call her on the phone or even better, plan to meet her when you know she'll be somewhere in particular. Then, just say, "Let's get together and catch up. Clear Friday evening and we'll go do something fun."

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey doc,

Tks alot for your advice. By the way i am just curious, how will giving a distance to her make my chances of getting her better? This is because right now she is feeling really stressed so i kinda feel that i should be there for her instead. And also i need help. U suggested to ask her out. But my exams are just next week. So wad else can i do? I thought that i should call her and wish her all the best. But do u think that will be too random? And finally one last question. She is a short tempered girl who tends to have mood swings. What should i do in those situations where it is hard to get things going your way, for instance where your conversations become shortlived and pointless? Tks loads in advance.

Morgan

ANSWER: Hello again Morgan!

The feminine mind is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. In fact, she can do more to build you up by herself than you could ever do on your own.

When you constantly call and contact her, you never give her a chance to build up her image of you and you never give her a chance to miss you. When she notices that she's missing you, she'll also be reminding her self that she's thinking about you.

Instead, what you want to do is to get involved with her stress! What's going to happen is that you're going to be associated with that stress - not the reliever of it. In other words, she's going to see or think of you and remember the stress itself! That's not the association you want her to have.

For help with communication skills, see my FAQ's on my website. Go to http://BeingAMan.com and click on "Self help". There are a number of articles linked there.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello doc,

Tks loads for that advice!!! It will help in the long run i'm sure. But i think you forgot to see my previous question cos maybe i asked too many questions previously. What should i do when i contact her back again? Because our exams are next week and it would be inappropriate to ask her out. I was thinking of calling to wish her luck. But wad do u think? Wad shld i do? Will my call seem as a random and out of the blue one? Tks in adn=vance.

Morgan

Answer
Hey Morgan!

Your exams are the perfect reason to give her distance right now. She's not going to think it's weird because she knows you'll be studying - just like she will. I'm sure she's going to appreciate having this "time off".

No, don't call her. Wait until after the exams (by at least a day or two) and then, call her up to see how she thinks she did. It gives you the perfect reason/excuse to call and you can then invite her out to celebrate having made it past them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"