Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/8/2009

Question
Hi Dennis,

I've written to you about two months ago about my girlfriend of more than a year who wanted a "break". I've followed your advice and did not allow the "break" and told her we should work our our relationship as a team. At first, it seems we were back to normal. We've been going out as frequent as before (about 3 times a week) and she just had her birthday two weeks ago in which I helped organized a small party and I think she appreciated it very well. Now just last night, I got a text from her that caught me by surprise.. in her text she asked me "How well do you love me? Want me?" I answered, "More than you'll ever know babe" then she asked why I loved her and why her.. to which I knew this may be a "test" (I've bought your books though I haven't finished reading them) but I could not come up with a quick reply.. she then texted me  that we've been going out for more than a year yet she feels she doesn't know much of me.. that when we are together she can't seem to get any information out of me like what's on my mind and stuff..  I texted her back jokingly with "Babe, would it be boring if you knew everything about me?" And then she texted that she feels "we are still strangers" and she said that when we are together she thinks we don't talk about anything..etc. I knew her nagging questions showed she was losing interest in me again. So I texted her that we both sleep this through and meet up the next day. The next day (today) I asked her to visit me at home because I wasn't feeling well.. she did visit but we didn't talk about the questions she texted me. The whole time she visited me she was really cold. When she went back home, I texted her that I appreciated her visiting me.. she replied an hour later with "It's not working out babe.. I'm sorry". Now I feel really confused. I've bought your two books and tried working on being a man for the past two months but it seems I'm not doing everything right with her.. I still love her Dennis and I would like to still win her back. What should I do now? Is there still hope with my situation? We have a pending trip this Saturday but I feel like canceling it...

Thanks,

Elvin

Answer
Hello Elvin!

Here's what's going on:

When you told her "no" to the break you gave her real hope about having a man in her life. She responded positively and things have been good for a couple of months. Good job on this by the way!

As time went along, that feeling of safety and security began to fade. Now, she's feeling insecure again (the original reason for the break) and is throwing Tests again. It's very difficult for us guys to see these Tests coming. We simply don't think or act this way.

She wants for you to open up so that she doesn't feel like you're not "present" in the relationship. Further, you should do this. In fact, when she came over to your house, you should have gone directly and boldly to the issue and dealt with it. Because you didn't, she's back worrying about you not being there powerfully when she really needs you - and she needs you now.

I'd suggest you not cancel the trip, but make some decisions about it. First of all, take some control here. Don't ask her what she wants as though you haven't planned everything. If you feel compelled to get her opinion, give her a choice between only two or three things.

For instance, don't say, "So, what do you want to eat?" Instead ask, "Would you prefer something spicy or mild?" (for example).

Further, you have to deal with this opening up issue! Don't let it fade and try to not deal with it! That's exactly what she's asking you to do. You might have to deal with it before she agrees to take the trip with you by the way.

When she said, "It's not working out..." you should have handled it right there.

Even more important, you absolutely HAVE TO get off the texting already! Texts are the weakest, most cowardly thing you can do - and it looks that way to her.

Right now, you need as much power as possible. When that text came through, you should have called her up and said, "Absolutely not! You're not going to get away with texting me something like that. You owe me better! That was incredibly rude and thoughtless of you."

(By the way, this is a little trick in and of itself - misdirecting the issue to be her problem, not yours!)

Then, you should have demanded that she meet you immediately to talk it out.

Elvin, so much of this stuff isn't intuitive. You have to keep on yourself about it until it becomes a habit. Always ask yourself what the strongest choice would be at any given moment and take that option. Don't let things just slide.

That seems at first like a lot of work, but consider this: isn't having to go backwards all the time and FIX problems a ton of work? Of course it is. Once you get on this path, it's far, far easier than fixing things.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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