Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/3/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
There is a young woman in my classes in university, and I have never met someone like her. I know I can't say that I "love" her, because I've known her for only 1 month now, but please take my word when I tell you that I like her A LOT and I am EXTREMELY interested.
My problem is I am actually very very confused by the way she acts with me. It is a complicated situation for many reasons.
First, she has a boyfriend, she has been with him for almost 2 years and from what I could understand, things are going well between them.
But here is what confuses me: when I met her, I did not know she has a boyfriend, so I sort of tried to get her closer to me, we had lunch a couple times together, we talk and do our work together. To make it simple, she acts like she IS interested.I even asked her number an mail and she didn't hesitate a second to give it to me. On the other hand, she looks very confident about her relationship with that other guy.
I am relatively young, so I don't have a lot of experience with women, but I have never felt something that great for someone and I sincerely believe we could be happy together. So... I don't know what to do. How should I act if my goal is to get closer to her, without scaring her or... is there a way to let her know that I'm interested without making her push me back?
I am sorry for such insistence: (I KNOW there are plenty women out there and I could find one just as great as her) but it is HER I want, so I need your advice on a way to proceed; long term if necessary...

Thank you very much for your help; in advance,

Marcus

ANSWER: Hello Marcus!

Oh, don't worry - I believe that you like her a LOT.

How interesting that she doesn't tell you about this boyfriend until after you've already started dating her. That should send up some red - and a few green - flags here.

She did this for one or more very specific reasons and obviously, without knowing her I can't tell you what those are. It could be that her boyfriend isn't giving her the attention she needs (very common after 2 years!) and she's hoping to get that from you - without giving you what you want in return. Trust me on this: she already knows what you want.

It could also be that she and her boyfriend have been having problems and you're timing just happened to be right. It could also be that she's wondering what else is out there or that she feels the exact same way about you that you feel about her or other things. We simply don't know that that's part of the game.

What you're actually asking me is: "Is there a way I can get what I want without taking any risks?"

Answer: no.

You're going to have to accept that if you want this girl, you're going to have to take the same risks of getting rejected or hurt and of losing her friendship that all the rest of us have. There aren't any special rules just for Marcus here!

The good news is that you can reduce this risk significantly and I'm going to help you do that.

Let me first start with this: you're in this situation right now for one reason: a lack of education about women, how to build attraction, how to create relationships, how to deal with "the boyfriend issue" and many other things you don't know.

Now, let's say that you had begun this journey toward learning all these things last year. Do you think you'd be in the same place right now? Of course not! That's the point! Even after I answer this question, there are 1000 more right behind it!

Marcus, do yourself a favor and get the education you need rather than just trying to go for the easy way out and get a few answers from me. Go read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" so that you already have ALL the knowledge you're going to need to not only win this woman but to actually keep her too.

First of all, you need to realize this fact: EVERY girl has a "boyfriend". You're almost never going to find any girl that is completely ready for a new relationship and is completely free of other guys. So, you're going to have to accept that fact and learn to deal with it.

The reality is that boyfriends are NEVER a problem! It's far more difficult to keep a girlfriend than to steal someone else's. That's because women are always willing to "date up" if you can show them that you're a better choice for them. You DO NOT do that however by trying to impress a woman. That works against you.

Just as often, women have "boy friends" - something like you right now! You're actually acting as the surrogate boyfriend while she does whatever she needs to do with the other boyfriend. He might not even be that important to her (and frankly, I don't think he is - otherwise, why would she be accepting so much attention from you and risking her relationship with him?)

Here's what you need to do:

Set up something other than a lunch with her. Make this a dinner-date instead. There are important psychological reasons for this that I'm not going to get into here. Just suffice it to say that you need to actually start treating this girl like a date and not just a buddy or you're sunk.

Don't shy away from the boyfriend issue, but don't hang around with him either. If she wants to invite him to be with you two, decline or change the plans. The goal isn't to be the 3rd wheel, it's to become the front one instead.

When she starts getting the idea that you're become more than her friend, she'll bring it up - trust me. That's exactly what you want! When she next says, "You know, I have a boyfriend" just say, "Really? I have a hamster!"

She'll look at you funny and ask what that's supposed to mean. You simply say, "Oh, I thought we were talking about things that don't matter. You see, if he were really everything you ever dreamed of, you wouldn't be here with me in the first place. If he's not absolutely everything you could ever hope to want and have, you need to get to know me because you've never met a guy like me before."

Then, drop it and just continue on with your date. You can even change the subject to anything else.

Also, be sure to kiss this girl on the lips at some point during the date!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello,
Thank you for your quite cheering answer!
Though, I am not sure what you mean; you think I should just directly invite her for dinner? What if THEN she tells me that she has a boyfriend?

Thanks a lot!

Marcus

ANSWER: Hello again Marcus!

Yes, you should directly invite her to have dinner and if she brings up the boyfriend again, just use what I told you before.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey,
Thanks for your answers!
I was sorta, extremely harshly turned down....

My new questions is this: at what age do women realise the damn difference between love and affection?
This is very fucking annoying: they don't even understand what they feel, and I should try to guess it out... ha ha

The thing is; I am (well I think) a bit more mature than other guys of my age (I'm 18) and I don't want of these stupid relationships where the only thing that counts is sex and "hanging out together". I believe it's bullshit...

Any suggestions??

Thank you, your advices were great though :)

Answer
Hey Marcus!

At what age? It can happen at any age and depends on the woman. Some never get it. It's the same with love and sex being different things - some women never come to this understanding.

Suggestions? Yeah - simply NEVER "hang out together" in the first place! Is that really want you want - just a buddy? Hanging out creates buddies. Dating can create girlfriends.

If you want more on all of this, check out my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"