Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/26/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi doc

     Well here i have my own story. Its a long one and different one but i will summarise it for you. I have met this girl about a year ago. She swept me of my feet. She is really beautiful. I fell in love the minute i saw her. I wanted her in my life. So i chased her. Many things happened between us, except for the fact that we never got together. In this case, the many things referred to times when we used to msg or talk over the phone for hours, with both of us knowing that we had something for each other. But then over time things slowed down. She wasnt like last time. But my love  was still strong and i kept going. Yesterday i asked her again, whether anythin would happen between us, cos i sincerely loved her.. She said she thinks that it wont happen. And i asked her, was there ever a time when she thought that we could work out well. She said yes. Then i asked why she didnt reciprocate my love. She said that she didnt feel it thats all. Now i am confused. I still have feelings for her. And there is this bracelet which i bought for her some time ago. What shld i do? How should i continue my pursuit for her? Should i pass her the bracelet through someone and then stay away from her, so that it will create space for her to reflect and maybe miss me? What advice would you give to continue with my pursuit for her love?

Tks in advance,
Nesan

ANSWER: Hello Nesan!

There's only one way that relationships ever get built - in person. If you've been trying to create a relationship via technology; texting, holding your "dates" on the phone, etc., you've killed off any possibility of a real relationship. Anything that he had in her heart has gone cold and to be honest, the chance of rekindling that is just as cold.

Why, oh why do people continue to do this dumb thing??? Is it simply ignorance or arrogance in thinking that YOU will be different than the multitudes of other failed relationships that died on the phone just like yours did?

If you send her the bracelet, she'll appreciate it, but trust me, it's not going to buy her love. There's only one way to get that - in person. Period. End of story. Your situation ends right here.

I'm sorry to deliver this bad news, but this is exactly what you've set yourself up for. Whatever the reason you've done this; whether through cowardice, distance, ignorance or arrogance, you've harmed yourself in the process.

I suggest you terminate any further contact with this girl, get healed and move on so that you can find someone with whom you can have a REAL relationship with.

By "real" I mean "in person".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again doc!

         Sry but it is my fault for not making it clear. What i meant was we used to spend alot of time on the phone as well. But we have our fair share of meetings personally as well. In fact it is in person where i maintain contact with her mostly. The first time i confessed my liking for her was also in person. This relationship which i am chasing for is REAL. I am taking REAL means to make it happen as well. I am sorry that i put things in the wrong way earlier and i guess it gave you a different picture of my story. Hence that was why u talked about maintaining contact in person i guess. But i hope you get the right picture now. Please tell me how i should go on with my pursuit for her love. Please refer to my previous question if you need to refresh on my story. But please take note of the fact that i m indeed using REAL means to win her heart as well. So my main question is what should i do from now? Thanks alot in advance!

Nesan

ANSWER: Hello again Nesan!

Well, first of all, don't give her the bracelet. All you're (still) trying to do is to buy her love by making her feel obligated to you. That never works and in fact, will push her further away because nobody likes feeling manipulated.

Only give gifts when they are earned. That's when they carry real meaning - not before.

Second, forget the phone and texting and email and any other non-personal contact other than simply for short status updates.

Far more important: she's told you that she doesn't feel love for you - and that she wants to be in love. What are you hoping for, a magic potion or something? For whatever reason, she was hoping that she could be in love with you and she discovered she couldn't. The problem here is that through all of your in-person and not-in-person connections with her, you never bothered to discover what she needs in order to feel love. I don't know this girl so there's no possible way for me to tell you what that is!

Unless you can first determine exactly what it is that she needs in order to feel love, and second, to become that guy, you may have lost your chances here. She believes in her head and heart that she's not going to love you. That's a lot to turn around and frankly, very, very few people ever do it.

If you're absolutely stuck on this girl and can't live without her, you've already given up at least one thing that women absolutely need in order to feel love for a man: your power. Power is the #1 most important thing to women and when you give it over to her, she knows she'll never love you.

The other problem however is that is not the end of the story! There's likely many other things she needs as well - and you don't know what they are. If you honestly believe you can figure those out now (and that she'll open up to you this far to let you know them) AND that you can become this man, then continue forward with the knowledge that you have a strong probability of getting nowhere with her. Otherwise, it might be time to get healed and move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again doc!

Tks so much for that useful advice. Now what i wanna ask is, what is the first step i should take now? This is because i havent been having any form of contact with her for a few days already. What can i do to find out what she wants in me? Is there any way i can do that? And also, she is the type of girl that is nice but harsh at times too. She is the type that likes to go for rock concerts and mosh around. And next week there is going to be a famous alternative rock band's concert in my country. She will be going too. Will that be a gd platform for me to do anything? All in all, what steps should i take from now, so that it would put me back on track with getting her? Tks so much doc!!!

Nesan


Answer
Hey Nesan!

You didn't really bother to listen to what I told you did you? You're about to get your ass kicked by this girl Nesan. If you don't mind the heartache and humiliation, go ahead and be my guest. I have to tell you that the chances of turning this around is almost zero - maybe 2-3%. That's it!

Think about how many other girls you have available to you that CAN have a real relationship with! Why are you stuck on just this one girl? You've convinced yourself that you love her, but trust me, you don't. You don't even know her!

The problems here are many - and you have to fix them all before you even have a chance with her!

Ok: here's what you have to do:

First of all, you absolutely HAVE TO start dating other girls. There's no option here. This is the most important step!

When you go to the concert, tell her that you want to meet her there - or even go with her and her friends. But you have to take a date with you - without her expecting it! When you show up with your own date, you instantly add "social proof" and she has to question her own interest in you - which she will.

Keep in mind that it's not simply about seeing one girl one time. You have to continue this for a while - and you have to start ignoring her while doing it.

Until she's "on the chase" with you, you have absolutely no power or possibilities with her.

That's where you start, Nesan.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"