Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/22/2010

Question
Hey,
I really like this girl, she is completely different from anyone I have ever met and she is exactly my dream girl. I met this girl when she came into the shop I work in, we instantly hit it off and had a long conversation where it just flowed, I was instantly attracted to her. She came in the shop a couple more times as well as chatting in the car park after work, over a period of a few weeks and we had again had really long conversations in which she asked a lot of personal questions. I decided that the next time I saw her I would ask for her number. I unfortunately didn't bump into her in the next few days, but I knew which car she had so i decided to leave a card on her car just saying, how I really like her company and would she like to go for a drink. She texted back later that evening and said how sweet it was and how it made her day, thanking me for thinking about her and she would love to go for a drink.

We texted for the next few weeks and I asked her out a couple of times, she said she was busy as she was away with family and with friends. It seemed that she was hiding something which made her reluctant to go for a drink. I sent her a text saying if she is not interested in me then it is totally fine and I don't mind. She instantly txted back a friendly text asking questions but not answering whether she was not interested or not. So next time I saw her I told her how I really liked her and how I had fallen for her, i also gave her a rose and a card, she  later said how it was the loveliest thing anyone has done for her and thanked me again and again. She then told me how she had split up with her long term boyfriend not long ago and how she was finding it difficult,she  said that could we be just friends to start with and see how it goes. I agreed and we went out the next day We had a really good time and after she texted me thanking me for going out with her and how she really enjoyed just hanging out. We again went out just before Christmas. Again we had a really fun time and she said how much she enjoyed herself. That week she was leaving her job which was in the area I worked and lived. She lives an hour away and went to a job nearer her home. On her last day I sent her some flowers to her workplace with a little note just to say sorry that your leaving and thanking her for the times we went out she again was really happy and thanked me many times. I said before she left that we should meet up when she gets back from her holidays over Christmas and new year, and she said that yeah we would hopefully see each other in the new year. She went away for Christmas and new year to see her family and we just sent happy Christmas and new year messages. I have since given her some space as she is still getting over her ex boyfriend. We have texted a little bit since but I have not pushed her and asked to meet up again as I don't want to hurry or upset her.

I really genuinely like this girl more than anyone I have ever met or been with before, which is driving me crazy. I am not sure whether I continue to stay in touch occasionally while giving her space, to push to meet up again or just totally let her go? I feel that she likes me but she is finding it difficult to come to terms with the end of her last relationship and she is not yet ready to enter a new relationship? so I am just wondering what is the best thing to do whether to stay in touch, push at all to see if she genuinely likes me or give up and move on? Please help!  

Answer
Hello Dean!

Texts, confessing your feelings, giving her unearned gifts, agreeing to ridiculous terms that she really doesn't want, giving her space...Dean!! Why in the hell do guys make these dumb mistakes over and over again????

Every one of these things scream only one point: that you're a coward and you don't know what you're doing. Yes, I know YOU don't see this, but trust me, she does! She's given you every indication of what she really wants via her actions and you're ignoring those waiting for her to tell you what she wants. She's not going to do that! It's not her job to move things forward - it's yours.

So just who are you to her? Are you her therapist or are you her potential boyfriend? You're acting like you're some kind of threat to her! Why in the hell would you worry about her last breakup. It's not your job, your concern, nor did you cause it! You're the guy that might just save her from all of that if you just pull your head out.

You think asking her for a date is "pushing her". Well, in a sense, you're right. By asking her you're "pushing her" to make a decision. Why would you do that? Don't ask her - TELL HER. Make the decision for her. That's exactly how most of the things are going to go in any relationship you establish with her, so you might as well get used to it now.

Here's what you do:

Call her up (DO NOT TEXT HER ANY MORE! Texting KILLS relationships and makes you look like a weak, scared little boy!) and say, "Ok, it's a new millennium, a new decade and time for new things in your life. Put aside Saturday night [or whenever] because we're going out. I'll pick you up at 8 pm."

Notice how there's not a single question in there? That's important! This is YOUR game now - not hers!

Further, when you pick her up, DO NOT say "So, what do you want to do?" Instead tell her what you're going to do. Go have fun and turn on the charm. Also kiss this poor girl already! Stop being such a sensitive, understanding loser! If she really wanted sensitive and understanding, she'd date other women.

All she's asking for is that you be a man here. I think you should give it to her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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