Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/1/2010

Question
I have been in a relationship with the girl of my dreams for over two years now I am 27 she is 21. Upon her graduating from college she and I informed her mother and grandparents (her father is no longer in her life) that we were planning on getting engaged and moving in together in a state outside of where they all live so that I can further my career and so she can attend grad school at the university that she wanted to attend for that we had been planning this for over a year and she had told me that she had discussed it with her Mom’s family which I came to find out later that she had not. Ever since this discussion took place her mother and her mothers family have gone from loving me and saying that I was the best thing to ever happen to her talking about us getting married and having kids to hating my guts. We never had any problems at all other then her having a deep-seated fear of me being unfaithful based upon her previous relationships but that never really bothered me. Once this happened back in May they immediately began telling her that I was a bad person, I have probably cheated on her, she is being ungrateful to them by seeing me, she needs to be more independent and meet new people etc. They also began buying her things to distract her like a new car, a new puppy, and a new aquarium. Since this happened she has become very emotionally cold towards me unless I act upset or displeased. She has tried to cut contact with me on three separate occasions first for 3 days, then for 10 days, and the most recent time for 14 days under the pretense of taking a break from speaking to each other (not a break in the relationship). Each time she gives the reason as that she doesn’t know if she can trust me or doesn’t believe that I haven’t cheated on her and tells me that when she calls me it will be with an open heart. Each time she did this she always went to her mother and her family to their vacation home while there her mother gives her valium to help her “deal” with the situation. Each time she did this she was never able to tell me to my face or even on the phone it would always be through email and then would panic until I told her that I would go along with it. Each time she did this she would always sneak off to text me or call me constantly wanting to know what I was doing and telling me that she loved me and missed me. After the second time of her doing this I tried to make plans to either have her come stay with me or have her and I stay in a hotel together, for several days she told me that she wasn’t ready to see me and that she was afraid that if she did she would fall for me all over again and allow me to “influence her”. It wasn’t until I threatened her with ending the relationship that she agreed to let me come see her but I was only allowed to spend 2 days at her house and we couldn’t get a hotel room while I was with her she was back to her normal self and everything was fine again. When I left to go back home she burst into tears and told me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me but that I couldn’t stay and that she couldn’t leave with me. Everything was fine for a few days and then I got an email saying she was going to the vacation home with then for the third time, on day 14 of this third time I told her I had enough of it and told her that there wouldn’t be a fourth time and that if she did this again it would be the end of our relationship. Since then it hasn’t happened, things have gotten somewhat better but she is still very emotionally distant and cold, on the phone she has gone from being one of the most affectionate girlfriends I have ever had to being one of the coldest. However anytime I act upset or angry she goes back to being nice and affectionate towards me until I’m back to normal. It seems like the nicer I am the meaner she gets, and the meaner I am the nicer she gets.

I recently found out that her mother receives money every month from her father’s brother so long as my girlfriend is living there, her mother is on methadone and takes a variety of prescription pain killers, at an early age her mother was found unfit by a court to take care of her and she was put into foster care until at age 15 she ran away to go live with her mom. I find it disturbing that the people she is taking relationship advice from; Her mother has been divorced 7 times, and her grandmother never talks to her grandfather they have no relationship and have cheated on each other their whole lives. She acknowledges that nobody in her family has a healthy relationship, and that her mother is mentally abusive but if I try to talk to her about her family she gets really defensive and refuses to discuss it. Our lives have come to a standstill over this, in person (when I can actually see her) everything is fine and loving, on the phone it seems like she is trying to go out of her way to be cold and mean like it’s a fake toughness, but anytime I act cold or upset she does a 180 and goes back to normal until I stop. Since this she has also begun sleeping 12-13 hours a day (though she will call me in the middle of the night and be back to her normal nice affectionate self for about an hour at the same time every evening before going back to sleep). She has also stopped sexually flirting with me on the phone (which she used to do regularly) claiming that her birth control is the reason, I don’t think she is cheating on me because she constantly offers me her passwords to online accounts and access to her cell account online without me even implying anything like she is afraid that I think she is. She has started allowing people back into her life from her past that she previously swore she wanted nothing to do with because of their character. I know for a fact that she is no longer taking pills from her mom and she isn’t on any drugs. I have caught her lying to me about little minor things related to her family recently but nothing serious. I love her I want things to work, I’ve swallowed my pride and agreed to move closer to her family but the fake coldness in her still remains.      

Thank you for your time and advice
-John  

Answer
Hello John!

You have two problems here: this is a long-distance relationship and this girl is totally emotionally immature. Let's deal with the second issue first.

You're expecting her to act like a normal, healthy grown-up. She isn't any of these things. Expecting her to be normal, healthy and mature is like expecting politicians to stop being selfish bastards. You can hope all day long and even write them letters - and they'll give you the answers you ask for while doing exactly what they want behind your back.

To this, you're going to have to stop expecting things from her and reacting in a positive way. She doesn't respond well to your positiveness. You need to tell her this is absolutely the end. Unless she stops all the craziness and gets right back to where she was, you're gone - and you're never going to look back.

John, no more enabling her to be crazy and no more accepting of crazy behavior. At the very least, you need to do this for yourself. She isn't in a place to be in ANY sort of relationship (let alone a healthy one) if she can't do this. Waiting around for her to do so is just as crazy on your part and if she doesn't make that leap, there's absolutely no point in waiting for her to do it. She won't as long as you "hang in there". That just makes you a sap for believing in her when she doesn't believe in you or herself.

Regarding the distance: if you're going to stay at a distance from her, forget all of this. You have absolutely no power or control or option here. She has it all - and doesn't want it. In effect, you've put all of that in her hands. Look at how well she's done with it so far! Pretty pathetic.

It's time to wake up John. She isn't going to change just because you want her to. She's looking for stability which you can't possibly provide her at a distance. The only stability she has is her mother and the mother is crazier than she is!

If you can't permanently solve the distance issue, forget all of this. Go off, lick your wounds, get healed and move on. Nothing else you do from here on out will be of any value if you try to do it from the ether.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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