Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/19/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello and congratulations for helping people
free of charge (nowadays it's rare).
I will try to be as quick as possible. Two
months ago my girlfriend broke up with me
the day i entered the army (it lasts 9 months
i. my country). I got very depressed and due
to the pressure i got really emotional,called
her and texted her everyday telling her why
she broke up with me,that i would change
etc.She also told me that she found a
new guy.The 1.5 year we were together i
was in complete control of our relationship,i
was the man.So,the first month of our break
up i acted like a very weak person,telling i
was going to change etc..We also had sex
during this month (she cheated on her new
boyfriend).But she kept telling me that she
doesn't feel the same.The second month she
broke up with the new guy,after a
conversation she had with her closest
friend,she was very absolute and told her
many real facts like she cant be with him
well as she cheated already in the beginning
of their relationship.Ok now,i have almost 20
days to call her,that's what i found to be the
best solution for now,after doing much
reading and searching the web.I downloaded
an e book The magic of making up (i dont
know if i should have said the title if not
erase it) and this offers a plan on winning her
back.The first step is the no contact
period.the second is sending a second
chance letter and generally generate
curiosity and becoming kind of unavailable
istead of showing her that whenever she
wants me back she can have me.I havent
sent it yet.Can you provide any help for my
situation,advice,ways to get her back.i think i
have to be the good old MAN i was when we
were together.but i must admit the breakup
hurt my confidence and ego.She made lots
of mistakes and told many wrong things
during these two months.But i will admit
mines.I personally dont think i did anyting so
bad for her to leave me.I made mistakes but
every time i turned it like i was correct due to
the confidence i had.That doesnt mean i
treated her bad.I may haven't shown much
aplreciation the last months though,that i
admit.So any advice on how to get her
back?any clues?on how to be strong again?
Just to remind you i am serving the army
(now i am serving it at my city and i am much
more relaxed here) and we havent talked for
20 days,i stopped calling but she also did not
call.And one last thing,her closest friend i
mentioned has great power over her.My ex
admires her a lot.I believe she can persuade
her be with me again in two weeks time if
she wants.I have good relationship with
her,we got out for a drink the other day,she
says she supported my all the time after the
breakup.I talked to her much about how i
felt.I trusted her and i am not 100% sure if
this is right.I think she is "with my side" but
she tells me sometimes move on,dont be
upset and so..i am not sure what she says
with my ex (they ve been friends for 15
years).What i mean is that she CAN REALLY
get us together if she wants,she has her
way.Should i talk to her more,show all my
feelings,open myself to her?I think i shouldn'
t be waiting for sympathy from her.Just show
her that i am the strong cool
guy her friend was with that she is worth
speaking to her friend about and telling her
to be with me again.Otherwise
if i get too open and emotional it wont be
good for me.Anyway,too much i wrote
already.I would appreciate your reply and
help and am willing to give more info if you
ask

ANSWER: Hello Charis!

Considering what you've told me about this girl, I have no idea why you'd even want her back.

I'll bet it has nothing to do with her at all. I bet it has everything to do with you. I think your ego is bruised because she dumped you and you want to try to regain your ego by her taking you back. The problem is that after that's done, you're stuck with her again.

Think about this: just as you're going into the army, she dumps you. Then, she takes up with this new guy immediately after (it's very likely she was working him well before she even broke up with you!) Then, she cheats on him with you. Next, she continues to mistreat you, ignore you, etc.

What exactly is it that you want back here, Charis?

On the flip side, you're living a completely new adventure. This is going to change you and make you a better man for it. She's sitting at home and will be exactly the same person she was in 9 months.

If you want some real advice and help, what you need to do is this: spend the next 30 days FORGETTING this idiot! Work on yourself and getting your attitude and self-image back in shape. Then, in 9 months (not very long at all!) find a NEW girlfriend that is worthy of you. This one absolutely is not.

Get healed and move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your answer.
I think you are completely right.It's my ego
that makes me want her back.In fact even if
we get bCk together i think it will be really
hard for me to forget what she did and
appreciate her again.The truth is she is a
weak personallity with lots of insecures and
she wants somebody on her side.I kind of
liked this sometimes because i was that
man,the strong man that "conquered" her
heart and mind.You are correct about
probably having an affair with the other guy
even before the break up,i believe it,too.
i think you are also right that i should forget
her,BUT,say i am a weirdo say i am selfish,i
would like to do this at the same time that i
make her want me again,or at
least take some control of the sotuation.I
want this.Not that i will drive myself crazy if it
doesn't happen but i think i may can,so why
not do it?I always was the one that i did what
i wanted from us two so that's how i
want to leav the relationship,with pride and
my head up.Not like this,wounded.That's why
i found maybe the second chance
letter a good solution of regaining some
control.Or not cLl her for as long as it takes
for her to call me and then
i will take the upper hamd amd T least
male her apologize.I did a lot of
mistakes,pleaded almost begged tried to
convince her to come back..many things that
put myself down and i dont
want
to finish it like this.Can you tell
me
your opinion about that?It's like playing with
her mind a bit and showing who is the man
in our relationship.that's how i want
her to remember me.I would really like if the
is a way or ways to do this.

Generally a really appreciate the fact you are
providing your opinions and help to people
for free here.Congratulations for the thing
you do.

ANSWER: Hello again Charis!

Seriously? Is that all the self-respect you have?

Getting revenge like this isn't going to hurt her at all. It's just going to show her that you haven't let go - and give her even more reason to avoid you - and likely, start to hate you.

Then, not only will you have not gotten her back, you'll have also lessened yourself even further.

Do you know what women find sexy? Men's strength. You're right on with that analysis. However, going back to her makes it look like you're begging her again. Instead, if you totally dump this jerk, it'll be her left wondering what changed: "Hmmm...maybe he found his stones again and is spending all his time now with someone better than me???"

You need to understand this about women: they spend their entire lives studying these games and are far, far better at them than you are. The best reaction is silence, not revenge. Even more, getting healed and moving on to find someone you really deserve to be with.

As Frank Sinatra said, "The greatest revenge is massive success".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I think you are completety right,i totally agree
with what you said.That women like mens
strenght and that if i show her i am totally ok
and have a great time without her,then she
might be wondering herself,what happened?
is he over me?is he ok without me?has he
found someone new better and is ok?i can
tell this from personal experience,too.And
ok,sometimes i think of "revenge" (not the
correct word), better to say getting my ego
back,but i dont think i am that complete jerk
who only wants to satisfy his ego,neither she
is so worthless that she doesnt deserve a
second chance.But it is just that it is very
hard for me to trust her again for a new
relationship.So maybe we could be back
together even if it won't be the same
again.So let's say i want this to happen.I
mean ok she propably showed me she
doesn't deserve my pure love and my
complete appreciation.But let's say i want to
make an effort of reuniting with her or at
least giving it a try.Do you think what i am
doing right now is in the right direction?The
no contact month followes by a second
chace letter in a few days?I can explain what
tha second chance letter will say but it will be
far from oh darling i still love you .it will be
kind of i am totally ok with not being together
and taking responsibility of the break
up.Then opening lines of
communication,creating curiosity and urging
her to make a call to me.Then i will
be kind of "unavailable".What do you think?

ps: if there is a limit of follow ups i can ask
please let me know.I am really enjoying our
conversation.I think it really helps me.

Answer
Hey Charis!

You're absolutely dedicated to getting me to help you screw up, aren't you?

I can't be any more clear than this:

1) She's not worth it - or worthy of you.
2) You don't care - all you care about is helping your wounded ego.
3) You're even willing to do even MORE damage to yourself in this goal.
4) By trying to get her back in your life, you're giving up your own self-esteem in the process.
5) The only way to do this is to give her back your power - and your balls.

Seriously Charis, if that's all you think of yourself, be my guest. Go play these games, try to get revenge, etc. Just remember that it was me that told you you're going to come out losing in the end.

You can ignore her and then go back and see her later on. You can try to win her back only to dump her later on. You can do all sorts of things, but the final, end effect is that you'll be more damaged than you are right now.

Let's say instead that you took this energy and hurt feelings and turned them inward. You started working on yourself - completely forgetting this idiot - and found a woman 10 times better (which shouldn't be hard!) Do you think that would change your bruised ego even more effectively than trying any of this other game-playing crap? You bet your ass it would!

Ok, I've tried to convince you and it seems I'm getting nowhere with this.

Sure. Ignore her for the next two months while you plot your come-back. Then, hit her up just the "catch up" for a drink and work your magic again then. You might be able to get her to turn around. You can act unavailable and then interested and then turn it off again and you MIGHT have some success with this. We'll see I guess.

Too bad about all the incredible women you COULD have met during those two months, but this isn't about love or relationships or sex or self-image. It's about revenge. Let's call this what it is, ok?

As far as the number of messages, yes, I think this board limits the follow ups. You can always contact me directly however at my website. Just use the "contact" menu item and be sure to copy these previous messages.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"