Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/10/2010

Question
Hello, Dr Neder. I have an issue and I wanted to ask your advice. I have been in love with my best friend's sister for about 14 years. It started when I was 14 and she was 11. I am now 26 years old, in the active duty army and I find myself thinking about her all the time. A lot of different things enter my mind. What shes doing back home, if she would ever be with me while I was still on active duty, what her family would think if we got together...thing of that nature. I am currently in Afghanistan, and going home on R&R very soon. I want to tell her how I feel, but do not know how to go about it. In the past, her mom has mentioned to me that she HAD a crush on me, I currently do not know if she still does. My best friend (Her brother) I know, would not have a problem with me dating his little sister. How do I tell her that I've had feelings for her for so many years?

Answer
Hello Dan!

You don't tell her that you have feelings for her or that you have had for any length of time.

The reason why you don't do that is based in expectation. What exactly do you hope will happen? Do you hope that she'll say, "Oh Dan! I've felt the exact same way for years!" and then you won't have to take any risks?

Trust me on this one: she's not going to do that. Worse yet, you'll then have to spend all your time doing damage control and will STILL have to go back and do what you would have done in order to actually start dating her.

So, let's start with that tactic, shall we?

What you want to do is to reach out to her and let her know that you'll be home soon and would like to spend some time with her. In order to keep this from becoming just "hanging out" or worse yet, you and her and her brother and a bunch of her friends, just say, "I'm back in town on [date] and would love to catch up. Maybe we can go grab a drink."

The point of this is that you're giving her some specifics rather than leaving everything up to her. The clearer and more specific you are the less chance there is of her diluting the effort.

When you go on this date, you want to turn on the charm. Remember: she had (and very likely still does have) a crush on you. She's going to be all excited to spend some time with you - although she'd never show it. Don't worry about that, it's a girl-thing. Just know that there's interest there (at least - maybe more) and you can build attraction from that pretty easily.

Focus on her and ask her open-ended questions. To learn more about these, go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and click on "articles" and read my FAQ's.

Frankly, you have a pretty good chance here, but don't blow it by telling her how you feel. That's way too much pressure and is a proven loss-leader.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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