Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/28/2010

Question
Dr Neder,

I'm 49 years old and pretty good looking for my age, with great legs and just a little overweight.

You seem to understand dating problems really well.  I have a strong need for physical fulfillment, so a long distance relationship and a now-and-then relationship isn't going to do it for me.  When I next fall in love, I'm going to want my fellah to be there when I go to bed at night and there when I wake up - and willing and able too.  In relationships, eventually, the bloke gets too tired and the frequency drops.  Once the frequency drops, I eventually get bored and move on.  

My husband was an exception.  I was the one who got bored - because I had to do all the "work" and he never initiated or took control - so I eventually got bored with the physical side and only initiated on weekends.  When his doc put him on meds that dropped the frequency down to once a month, I adapted as you do when you love someone.  I sublimated my energies into my business and made a success there. However, after a couple years at this frequency rate, he eventually left after 18 years together in order to be what amounts to totally celibate.  Drat.

My problem's a bit more complicated than this.  I have discovered that the frequency I desire is really, really, really far outside the norm.  I have at least 20 orgasms a day if I DON'T have any intercourse, and a lot more if I do.  I have them eating a good meal.  I have them snuggling and cuddling (my husband hated the fact that he couldn't snuggle me without me getting off on it).  I have them walking down the street, holding hands, or seeing a bit of racy action on regular evening telly.  I don't even want to think about my upcoming trip to the USA with the TSA body search...  I've gotten very good at hiding it in public, but in private, I'm really randy and I want to crawl all over my man all the time.

How can I get my next fellah to understand it's so much better WITH him than without?  How can I get my next fellah to understand that I still want to be made love to?  

That's not all.  I don't want to be making a lot more money than he does ever again.  The problem here?  I earn six figures.  My ex-husband didn't work for 13 years, so I took responsibility and pulled up the slack.  I ended up being the man in the relationship.  I think the fact that I was carrying the weight for two people and also being hot in the bedroom and cooking and coordinating everything else, I think that led to our breakup too.  It was hell once he left.  He still has no idea how much I needed him emotionally in my life; he was convinced I was so successful that I didn't.  He thinks (and there's a lot of fellahs out there with this misconception) that if a women is unhappy, then he's needed, but if she's happy and successful, then there's nothing left for them to do so it's okay to move on and find someone new who needs help.   

How do I find a man who can keep up both fiscally and physically with me?  If he's being too passive (like my ex), how on earth do I get him to be a man in the relationship?  

Answer
Hello!

You have a lot of issues going on here. Let me try to sort it all out.

First of all, let's deal with the biggest issue you face; that of finding a man that will actually BE a man. Frankly, that's going to be rather difficult.

This isn't about how much you earn, although I can understand the challenge that brings. It's really about finding a man that is comfortable in his own skin and understands what being the masculine energy in a relationship is all about. Very few men understand this today.

You're certainly not alone in wanting to find this however. This is the #1 complaint I get from women and it's just a very sad commentary on what's happening in our culture. The good news is that there ARE real men out there and you can find them. As you add other conditions however such as your very high libido and earning requirements you continue to narrow the pool however.

I've been with many women that were "easy climaxers" just like you are, so I certainly understand your unique issues here. That can be a challenge for a lot of men that want to define their own sexual skills by the ability to "give" you sexual satisfaction, but these men simply don't understand your unique needs or abilities. Yet another challenge you face in finding the right guy!

I think there might be a solution for you however that; while outside the mainstream, might be just what you're looking for - including the need for a deep, profound connection, lots of regular sex that continues as your relationship grows, etc. You might very likely find it in the world of SM.

Stay with me here. If you've never considered this as a sexual or lifestyle choice, I think you should.

Most people don't understand what SM (sadomasochism) is all about. They think it's about abuse or whipping the stuffing out of someone or humiliation or whatever. That's absolutely not what it is.

In its purest form, SM is simply about the erotic exchange of power. In other words, giving away your power or accepting someone else's power from them. This then becomes a sort of game where you explore each other's sexualities via this power and the control it brings.

SM takes on a very large number of faces from wearing of fetish clothing to bondage to psychological control to sensual forms of touch to sensory deprivation to many, many other aspects. Interestingly, if you've ever had your hands held to the bed while you made love, you've actually practiced SM in your own life!

Some people add in these elements as part of their sex and some people make it an actual part of their lives (called "lifestyle"). As to what you do, that would depend on what you and your partner want and need. Each couple is different.

So, why would I recommend such a thing for you?

It's because it touches so many of your unique situational needs! Consider this: having a man that is powerful and in control is certainly one aspect of this (just as your own need to be submissive to such a man). Being highly orgasmic leads me to believe that you're likely not fully experiencing the sexual relief that your body needs physically, emotionally and physiologically. Again, this is a case where SM "play" can come in. A good dominant will know how to help you control your climaxes and build them to a point where they create real release, satisfaction and physiological benefit for you.

Probably the greatest benefit here is that you also need to build huge connection, trust and communication between you and your partner for this to work. The SM experience is all about these things.

There's another aspect to all of this that may be appealing:

Your income puts you above the top 3% of earners in your country. That means you have far less than 3% of the available male population to look for in finding that perfect partner, considering all the other things you want and need.

However, if you change up your thinking from being a relationship "supporter" to a "servicer" of your partner, that changes things quite a bit, doesn't it? Now, your income has far less to do with your choice and you actually expand your pool of available men dramatically.

There is a lot of structure here to consider, but ultimately, I think this is where you want to go if you can reconcile all of these things together.

Here's a link to an article I wrote about this very thing: http://www.romancestuck.com/drdennisneder/strongsubmissive.htm

As well, there may be some very personal issues that go along with this and if you'd like to know more without having to write in a public forum, please feel free to contact me privately directly via my email address: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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