Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/30/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi
   So if you know a women for four months now and she still tells you she doesn't"at want a boyfriend is it you she doesn't want or is the restrict of a boyfriend she does not want? I ask because i am friends with a gorgeous women who is 22 and i am 26 have not got anywhere with her except a lesson on how she is not over her last boyfriend who was 1yr ago and she said he was her first real love. We go place dinner, out drinking, and i mainly help her with her pottery which is her life. She told me she always dates older guys. But I know she is into partying and i cant go out all the time like she does. And i don't know why she tells me i am the nicest guy she has ever meet and i am cute but i get nowhere with her. I bring up moving forward and she said she is not ready any time soon.

ANSWER: Hello Mike!

Yes, absolutely correct. It's you she doesn't want.

Consider this: you (as a guy) define yourself by your job and career (among other things, but this is the most important), right?

Women do the exact same thing via their relationships. Many women today use the excuse "I don't want a boyfriend" or "I don't need a man in my life", but the reality is this is simply misdirection, pure and simple. These same girls would jump at the chance to be with a great guy; if only he can express his own value to her.

All or this is her way of using you for her own benefit and entertainment while she waits for the right guy to come along. After all, add up what you spend on her in money, time and attention and compare it with what she spends on you in the same way.

Doesn't balance out, does it? It never does. Time to move on Mike and find someone else.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I was once told if a women doesn't dig you, then the only way to have a chance at her is to change the situation. Via going out drinking with her or dressing diff. or taking up a hobby with them for instances. Do you think this works or once she classified you it is over. I mean I spend a lot of time with her about 4 nights a week and sundays and she doesn't have a job but she does spend a lot of money on me not as much as me but I have a very good job. So can you change her view of you or it cannot be changed. Like her ex. Has moved on with several girls but she still text him with messages of how she can't go on without him. Like we were at the bar two weeks ago and she text him when we were drunk about how she still loves him and wants him back. He has moved to another state and has a new girl and doesn't text her back at all, but it did not stop her. Can I help her move forward someway or does she have to do that by herself. So do I put myself in a situation where I look good and she will see in time how much I care or is it hopeless. I would normally move on but there is something about her and I can get her out of my head. I know she calls me one of her best friends and tells me she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. But I don’t know what to do to put myself in a good light to her.Thank you so much for your time.

Answer
Hello again Mike!

Well, changing the situation isn't wrong, but the way you have to do it is very different than you're plan.

Before I get into that however, what are you goals here exactly? Are you going to try to convince this girl that she should like you? Frankly Mike, that's a huge waste of your time!

Think about this: with so many incredible girls out there why are you planning on wasting 5-10 times the amount of time and effort on just this one? That's not very efficient. If she doesn't see your value (even if you were the cause of her not seeing it) why waste your precious resources like that? Why not find the girls that DO get it? This isn't your problem (that she doesn't see this) it's hers.

The reality is this: once you've entered the "friend zone", you have a 5% change OR LESS of ever turning it around. I've done it myself in my less-sophisticated days, but trust me, it never turns out to be worth it. Once you've put in all that work and even if you get that 1-in-20 chance, the girl turns out to have been a waste of your time for the effort. It's just so much easier to find someone else even better!

Here's one absolute rule: you're NEVER going to change her attitude of you by hanging with her. Every time she sees you it simply confirms her belief that you're NOT the guy she wants to be with.

Doubt this? Just consider: why is she still pining over the guys she CAN'T have instead of the one she can? Mike, a woman's mind is the most powerful force in the universe. You can either use it to your own demise (as you have) or to your benefit as these other guys have done.

THEY (these other guys) realize she wasn't worth the effort. What does that tell you?

These guys have exactly what you don't to her: value. You're always around, always entertaining her (rather than engaging her), acting like her friend, accepting this incredibly inconsiderate situation from her and directing and leading absolutely nothing. That's exactly why you are where you are with her.

So, this leads to the ultimate problem with her; and likely every other girl you meet: you don't know how to express your value to her in HER LANGUAGE. You're trying to use YOUR language and convince her to understand it. That is simply never going to happen.

Mike, I strongly urge you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and start learning the differences in these languages. Here it is the start of the new year. What a better time to get these skills under your belt! 2011 is going to be far, far different for you than 2010 was armed with them. Further, you're going to realize just how much new opportunity you'll have.

When you're not so interested in this girl because you have tons of other options, what do you think that'll do to her level of interest in you?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"