Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/30/2010

Question
So, I met this girl when she moved into the apartment next door with her sister.  Everything started out great, we all hung out, went out places, and that sort of stuff.  After a while, (this is where I made the first mistake) I told her I liked her.  Turns out it was a super bad move, we dated for a few months, but are currently taking a break because we both have busy schedules and things were just really difficult. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I don't want to lose her.


When we first decided to take this break we were talking about everything and she told me I was the best thing that could have happened when she moved here, but now it's almost like she has no interest in hanging out when we both have time.  What does this mean? Should I back off and see what happens? Or is this a lost cause and I'd be better off moving on.

Answer
Hello Matt!

Yes, you're right. That was a SUPER bad move! What was she supposed to do with knowing that you liked her? Yes, I know what you had HOPED she'd do - you hoped that she would just say, "Oh! Matt! I feel the same way!" and then, you'd have to take no further risks or do any more work.

Can you ever conceive of a world where THAT would ever work? I sure can't! At least, it doesn't work on this world in any case I've ever heard of.

Let's be clear here: you two didn't decide to take a break - SHE decided to take a break, and not knowing any better you agreed to it simply to keep her from dumping you altogether. Unfortunately, breaks never work out and by accepting this ridiculous choice you're telling her point-blank, you're not the man in this relationship - she is.

When you're done reading this, go to my video site and watch the video on breaks to learn more about this absurd move. You'll find it at: http://BeingAMan.com/index.asp then click on "Video" and then "Self Help".

If you instead had told her, "Nope! Absolutely Not! No freakin' way! Ain't gonna happen! Never! Either you break up with me right here, right now, and I'll be in the arms of someone else tonight you coward or we work this problem out as the team we are. Period. End of story. What's it gonna be baby?", things would have been VERY different right now.

There are very few true lost causes in relationships, but the reality is that this is pretty-well dead. Trust me when I tell you she was looking for the guy that could deliver that speech I just gave you. By not doing that, you told her the exact opposite.

As to what to do next, I suggest you back off for about a month or two and then try to contact her and see what you can put together. Hopefully, she'll have forgotten all about this and will only remember the good times you had together, giving you a chance to get back into her good graces.

However, if and when you do that, you need to do two things first:

1) You absolutely, positively MUST start dating other girls right away! You can't avoid this step!

2) You have to find your balls and put them back in your pants where they belong. Matt, someone has to be the man in the relationship and it'd better be you - from this moment onward.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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