Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/26/2010

Question
Hi I would like some advices concerning asking a girl out how I have secretly had feeling for years. I’m very confused of what I should do next and not very good at flirting or reading women’s signals.

The situation is I have known her for 10 year we attended the same university and stayed in the same halls at the time I was shy and spotty so did not have great confidence asking girls out. I liked her a lot then but before I had I chance to pluck up the courage to ask her out she got together we a friend of mien. So from that point I decided to say nothing as I’m not the type to try and course trouble and as a person I was happy for them they were both happy. Over the years we all stayed friend but even though I was looking at different women I still had feeling for her.  The more she and me got to know each other the more we had in common. About 4 year ago I went threw a bad time and became depressed and deliberately isolated myself   due to being left with a colostomy and a different women I thought there might have been a future with lead me on and seemed to enjoyed rubbing her later relationship with an ex friend in my face.

The situation is I recently decided to make contact with the girl I had secretly loved for many years. 4 year had passed since I had seen her last and she is now single. I explained why I had not contacted her and other people due to being depressed and how the other girl used me. The response I got was very friendly and it seemed she had highlighted her surprise that I was not I gay. I think she thought I was. She had never asked about my sexual orientation. After the email we arranged to meet up. I decided I’d try and learn over the Internet how to flirt, as I would love to be more than just friend with her and had read that to change a friend into a lover you have to change the way you act towards her.

Yesterday I went to see her I decided I’d try and touch her arm a number of times and also to keep eye contact and smile a lot and manly to be more confident. I thought I would all be awkward but the meeting was wonderful I made physical contact many more times than I thought and did the other entire things I’d planned. She laughed pretty much all the time and eye contact was good at one point It was awkward as we both stared at each other without saying anything for a long time, It was in a restaurant I wanted to kiss her but did not know if it was in my mind, I did not want to scare her, because I thought she might leave and not want to see me again. When we both went are separate ways, while in the past it was a quick kiss on the cheek, this time it was that but I held onto her for a long time, as I suppose I did not want to see her go.

The thing is I don’t want to lose her from my life, but I cannot stand the idea of her dating a different guy as Id love to been in a relationship with her. I fear if I leave telling her how I feel to long, it’ll be too late, or if to early and it might freak hear out. My past luck with women is so poor I’m also afraid I might lose her completely. I’d be grateful for any advice of what action I should take next, as I feel the time apart give me a last chance of becoming more than just a friend.

Answer
Hello Santiago!

Wow - you sure have a lot of fears! The worst part about all of this is that those fears cripple you from doing what you have to do to have this girl.

Seriously Santiago, if you can't deal with the fear of losing her altogether, then you're simply going to have to give up the thought of ever having her in the first place. Relationships are all about risk. You're either going to have to man-up and decide you're willing to take that risk or forget it and move on. That's just the way it is.

Think about this: which guy do you think any woman wants? The guy that is scared and cowardly; that won't go get what he wants, or the guy that boldly takes on the risk because he sees the prize as worth the risk - and worthy of him?

That's at least one (of many) reasons why you either have to change your mind about all this fear or decide you're going to live alone the rest of your life.

First of all, STOP worrying about what she wants or thinks is "right" or any of that. This is YOUR game - not hers! Trust me, she'll tell you what she feels, but if you try to hide what you feel, you'll never connect with her.

Now, I'm NOT talking about "confessing your feelings" to her! Don't do that because you'll absolutely lose her. When guys do that, it's because they want the girl to do their work for them. They want the girl to have to take all the risk - and themselves, none. Women see right through that and simply turn the other way and run.

Instead, call (DO NOT TEXT!) this girl up and say, "Hey! It was really great seeing you. I want to do it again on [day - about 2-4 days ahead]. Let's go have a drink. I'll pick you up at [time]."

Don't agree to meet her - pick her up. That's what dates do. Then, when you see her, take her close to you and kiss this girl already! Make it bold and direct. Let her feel your strength and bravery. Go have fun with her and turn on the charm. Forget your fears - if just for this one night (and of course, the next night and the one after that too, but we're getting ahead of ourselves) and just go for it.

At the worst, she tells you she's not interested in you that way. You can say, "I don't care" but at least you find out now so you can get healed and move on instead of spending the next 10 years hoping and wishing and getting nowhere.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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