Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/7/2010

Question
Hey Dr.Dennis, my names Dave, and I'm 15 and a sophomore and i have a major crush on a girl named Alissa, in one of my classes. I've liked her for a couple years now and recently i cant stop thinking about her, just seeing her smile makes my day. and iv really wanted to try and work up the nerve to ask her out but i just cant seem to do it because i guess its mainly the worry of if she said yes would i be good enough for her. and the obvious worry of her saying no. right now i believe shes in a relationship with someone, but i wouldn't try and split them up. so mainly i was hoping that you could help me find out it she liked me and how to ask her out the RIGHT way (if i do get that opportunity) and basically anything and everything else you think i should no. i realize this might not be the right category to ask this but my friend recommended you and said you were the perfect person to ask about this. also if theres anything else you would like to no about this that could help please just let me know.

Answer
Hello David!

Wow - that's pretty arrogant! Who are you to say whether you're "good enough" for her or not? That's for HER to decide - not you! You get to decide if SHE'S good enough for you!

It's just as arrogant for you to decide that anyone else she's seeing is a better choice than you are. Again, this is her decision, not yours. As to breaking them up, that too is her choice.

Do you see how you're making all these rationalizations in order to support you insecurities? You are afraid of being rejected and thus, you put all sorts of limitations in place to insure that you can't be. After all, if you don't approach her, you're not going to get rejected and having any excuse - even a bad one - gives you a reason to keep it from happening.

Dave, what if you're the man of her dreams? What if you're her soul mate? Aren't you keeping this girl that you feel so strongly about from having that too?

You have tons of "context" (the reasons to break the ice with her) and all you need to do is find a simple way to make that happen.

Most guys make the mistake of thinking that they have to make a girl fall in love with them from the first word. It doesn't work that way. That's why "pick-up lines" always fail! They are far too large, out of context and simply don't show her any good reason to continue a conversation with you!

Context approaches instead, give her the exact reason to talk to you! Here's an example: let's say that you get a homework assignment or take a test in class. You BOTH have that in common, don't you? Thus, you can walk right up to her and say, "Hey, what did you think of that assignment?" or "How'd you do on that test?" or "What do you think of the teacher?" or any of 1001 different little ice-breakers.

See how this works? It's simple, but is designed to get HER talking!

Go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and click on "self help". From there, read my FAQ's about conversation skills. That will help you a bunch here.

When you get her talking to you, you also want to be the one to cut things short. Just wait until things hit a high point and then say, "Well, I have to run to class, but it was fun talking to you. Here, write down your number and I'll call you so we can do it again some time."

Wow - could it really be that easy? You bet it is! Trust me on this Dave, it works.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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