Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/12/2010

Question
I fell in love with a woman 6 yrs ago and kept silent even though she married a questionable man. They were married a yr and a half when he left and started openly cheating but denying it. He beat her up once and told her to kill herself countless times. Long story short their devorce will be final soon. 3 yrs ago she found out how I felt and was rather cruel in her response. "There is no way my heart will feel the same. I tried talking to her but she is extremly stubborn and has her mind made up. I was good friends with her and her soon to be ex before their problems became open. She has been my best friend since he left. I helped her get back on her feet. 12 of our mutual friends all said that her body language says she does have an interest but she insists they are wrong. I have tried everything I can think of and followed all advice given but I can't seem to lose my feelings for her. Several yrs ago I broke her trust (i made it right 2yrs ago) and she still holds it over me every time she gets upset. I don't know what to do anymore. I would like to either have it go somewhere or end all feelings towords her. I am tired of being stuck in the middle. From time to time she say something that suggests an interest on her part but will deny it instantly. I can't fight a losing battle forever. To me, when you love someone you love them in spite of their flaws. You don't love them because of a "spark you felt" or "a strong connection that was made". It takes time to fall in love and is extemely painful (emotionaly) to overcome. When she is willing to discuss it she always tells me her beleifs on love but those are the same beleifs that got her in the place she is in now. My question is this: What do I do? I can't seem to break my feelings for her(been trying for 1 1/2 yrs now) and she refuses to even consider me for the future. I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself but when she sees something is bothering me she insists I tell her what it is. When I tell her she claims to "be overly stressed". Agian, what do I do?!

Answer
Hello Anthony!

I'm sitting here shaking my head. Do you know that this is the 11th question of this exact nature I've answered so far today? It's not you, it's a problem with men all over the world so I guess in that sense you're in good; albeit dubious, company.

You might have had a chance with this girl 6 years ago. You have killed off any chance with her now and you need to see the futility of "hanging in there". Anthony, it's over. It's been over for years. You simply won't let it fall down and die so that; like the Phoenix, you can rise from the ashes, healed and ready to find someone that you can love who will love you back. She is NOT this girl!

The reason why you can't get over this is that you continue to insist that she remain there to rip your heart out again and again. What the hell Anthony??? What is in your nature that would cause you to do this?

Don't you see what a huge slap in the face this is? Sure, you're good enough to her to be her "friend" - to be there to support her, entertain her, cheer her up when she's feeling blue, but you're not good enough to date her. She continues to use you to boost her own sagging ego - insisting that you humiliate yourself again and again by groveling at her feet and confirming just how pathetic you've become because of this addiction to this idiot. You continue to give her pass after pass even when she flat-out insults you like this to your face? No wonder she's not interested in dating you! Would you be?

Anthony, it's cold-turkey time. As soon as you save this message (and yes, save it somewhere so you can refer back to it every single time you start thinking ANYTHING good about this user/loser), I want you to then go through your place and pick up every single item you have that makes you think of her in any way, shape or form. Put it all in a box and seal the box.

Then, go through your computer and phone, address book or anywhere else you have anything from  this girl and delete it. You need to purge every single piece of information about this girl ever having existed from your life.

Take that box and give it to a trusted friend with the instructions to NEVER give it to you again under any circumstance, UNTIL you are ready to burn it. Then and ONLY THEN is s/he to let you see it.

DO NOT call this girl or text her or email her or send her a letter or even run into her EVER AGAIN. Don't tell her what you're doing, don't answer her calls or return texts or emails or letters or anything again either!

You need 100% clearance of this girl before you'll ever heal. Every time you even think of this girl, go back and re-read this message and remember what she's done to you. Don't blame her for it - YOU allowed it to happen - but start to see this for what it really is. She used you, you encouraged her and you're suffering now (and for years?!) because of it.

Knock it the hell off TODAY and move on so you can have what you really want in your life.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"