Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/22/2010

Question
QUESTION: I'm naturally a very nice guy. it's just the way i am. my roommates girlfriends are always telling me that i'm nice and sweet and that i should have no problem just going somewhere and pick up girls left and right; thats not the case. i'm 21, good looking, a great conversationalist, cordial, considerate and thoughtful. i just be myself. i look at myself and i've read all the books regarding bieng attractive to women and i literally haven't found too many things that i'm missing. i should have more girls than i could count. i'm naturally an introverted person, therefore i don't make the best first impression. i tried something different when i started my new job about 5 months ago. there was a beautiful girl i work with and i wanted to talk to her; bieng shy and all i got nervous every time i got within a few feet of her and choked on my own words. so i just didn't talk to her unless it was regarding work. i didn't get nervous around any of the other girls that worked there even though the were pretty also; they all started conversations with me so i was able to be myself (somewhat bieng at work and all); she never did that. she's the only person there that didn't try to talk to me. i noticed her always trying to get my attention and start conversations when i was unable to talk (she didn't realize). my job title is runner. i'm running around all day; i like to just relax and be myself... shoot pool or something like that. anyway just the other day i noticed she (mindy) while i was washing the showcase in the fish market was just standing about 3-4 feet away, not doing anything at all. just standing there.she works on the other side of the building and had no other reason to be over there where i was. i figured it was her trying to get me to notice her again so i decided i'd just go ahead and do it. so when i was about to get off i went over and asked "hey you want to go shoot some pool this sunday" she said immiediatly ya, sure...where at. i said i don't know i'll have to talk to my cousin. as i left i said i'll talk to you tomorrow with the arrangements and she made sure that i knew she was closing. i told her the next day where and when to meet up and she didn't show up. i saw her the following tuesday and she waved like nothing happened so i figured something probably just came up. and when i asked her the next time our schedules lined up what happened she told me about how her friend got into a fight with her ex and it turned into drinks and whatnot. so i asked if she wanted to try again this sunday and she said she couldn't make it. she said just give me your number and i'll give you a call. i responded well just give me your number and i'll call your phone... you know so i could get hers at the same time. thats where i am right now. i just don't get though. my roommate is a 28 year old drunk and in my opinion doesn't look very good; women are just drawn to him. he was just telling me about this 18 year old blond he works with that propositioned him just the other day. he kept making subtle comments regarding me never having women over and so finally i explained to him... girls just don't like me, they look at me like i'm disgusting, a pervert or gay. i talk to them and they look at me and laugh and say ya, right. his response was it's just your imagination. his brother has social phobia also; mine is due to my introversion and my medicine for my epilepsy. it's not my imagination. i have literally had it happen several times. i'm confident even though that may not be how i feel on the inside. it doesn't show on my face. i'm sincere and i still don't get anywhere. one of my sisters friends who was hot said she was so attracted to me when she first met me and she was the type of girl who would have sex with anyone; she said to me your just not my type. what am i doing wrong. i'm a nice guy, but not too nice. i'm able to carry on a casual conversation with women. i have ambition. i'm confident; it's hard when all your life women revere you like as a disgusting gay pervert and laugh in your face. all the time. i just wipe it off and look at like if it was meant to be it would be. last night my sisters came over and one of them brought a friend and i could tell she was a very quiet and shy girl; by time the end of the night she said to my sister out loud he's obviously gay; i've learned that women don't like too much attention, but at the same time they crave it. if i had shown her attention she would have gotten the impression that i was trying to talk to her and i wouldn't have gotten anywhere. i'm such a great guy i just want someone to show that to or someone that wants to see it. it almost seems that women judge me before the get to know me. like i said i'm a great conversationalist. i know what to say, how to say it, when to say it and who to say it to; women just don't like me. one of the girls at work who is real nice is mindys' friend outside of work and i've unintentionally overheard her (bianca)say things like he's such a great guy, just ask him out. i've had a chance to work with bianca, but not mindy. our schedules just hardly ever lined up. like i said i'm just really shy until i get to know someone and i have a hard time starting conversations; once the conversation is started i'm in. sometimes the boss will have me help bianca set up the outside patio so while i'm helping were talking and i can see it while its happening, i'm the kind of person that i believe mindy would like; i don't get a chance to show her, thats why i wanted to go shoot some pool with her because  i can't be myself at work and for all i know she's a different person too. but theres just something about her eyes. what should i do. i want to date whether it be with mindy or someone else. i don't have too many friends i'm in a transition period. i didn't like who i was becoming so i've tried to rearrange my life for the better. i got my own place (well a room)got a job, dropped all the negative influences in my life that turning me into someone i didn't want to be. for that reason i don't like to go out by myself, it's just no fun. i want to go meet people, but like i said i'm extremely shy. i get so nervous when in crowds. i don't know what to do. i'm sure it's something very obvious that right there in front of me; i just don't know what to do.

'

ANSWER: Hello Patrick!

Hmmm...these girls all tell you what a great guy you'd be for a girl - but not for them. Doesn't that tell you something?

Further, you've read "all the books" and you're all the things they tell you, huh? You just be yourself and that doesn't seem to work, huh? Don't you think you're reading the wrong books? Your results scream it so loudly, I can't hear anything else you say!

It's unfortunate, but I see this same thing with guys all the time. There are a lot of so-called "experts" that write books that frankly, have absolutely no clue what they're doing. Many of them are right here on this very board! I see them tell these people the most ridiculous things - none of which really work, none of which is supported by reality. It's all just parroting something that SOMEONE ELSE said that didn't work for them either!

My friend, I think you need a serious new education!

If "just be yourself" ("JBY") actually worked, I'd be out of business - happily. The reality is that JBY DOESN'T work! Think about this: if it did, you wouldn't be writing to me! Further, being the "nice guy" actually REPELS women - it doesn't attract them in the least. You want to believe it does because it's what you've heard in children's stories. It's time to come join the adults at the big table.

Now, let's talk about being "shy". Are you shy around your family? Are you shy around your buddies? Of course not! In effect, you actually CHOOSE to be shy when it fits your needs! You are shy around women because you lack education - not because it's some natural, built-in reaction.

If you actually knew what you were doing (not relying on JBY or being the "nice guy") you wouldn't have time to be shy. In fact, You'd be getting more ass than a toilet seat. You'd be out doing all the things you WANT to do because you'd know exactly what to say and how to act. You simply lack education because you've bought into these books written by people that don't know what they're doing, or worse, take someone else's work and try to make it their own. All these things fit right into your existing - and wrong - belief system, which is why you claim you're all the things they say you should be. This is tragic because knowing all the "WHAT's" in the world (even the right "what's") don't tell you the "WHY's". You need to know WHY something works in order to custom-craft it to fit each different situation!

With Mindy, you made a ton of classic mistakes as well! At least you approached her - and good on you for doing it. The problem is that you tried to "hang out" with her instead of setting a real, actual date! You think that by trying to slide it in under the radar and acting too cool that you'll somehow get her to do all your work for you. No, Patrick you won't. She sees this just as clearly as I do and that's exactly why she played you when you invited her to play pool. Further, you never set up the date properly. If you had, she would have showed up; end of story.

Patrick, there are so many mistakes here, I don't know where to start with you! You think that your looks should get you where you want to go simply because YOU are attracted to women by THEIR looks. Men and women are very different in this way. Where you put a woman's looks up around #1 or #2 in importance, do you know where women put men's looks? Eighth! There are 7 things that are far, far more important than your looks - and you're missing every one of them. This is why you can't seem to get women to give you any play.

Women don't like attention? Are you freakin' kidding me? Where in the hell did you learn that? From some women's magazine? Patrick, women need attention just to survive!

No, you don't know what to say or when to say it or whom to say it to! You THINK you do, but it's painfully obvious (at least to me and all these girls) that you don't. Patrick you need to get past this belief that you already know everything and hope that it's simply the girls that are the problem. They aren't. You are.

So, with all of this considered: your lack of a real education when it comes to women, your mistaken beliefs that your looks should be enough to carry you, that you know what to say to women, that they simply don't like you, etc., etc., etc. what exactly can I do for you? You say you're in a "transition period" but I have no idea what you mean by that. If you're "transitioning" it's not into something better. It seems like more of a lateral move. You're not trying to fix your belief system which is exactly where you have to start. You've got to get over this notion that you're doing everything right. Patrick, you're doing everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) wrong! Your results prove it.

Until you accept that fact - and your responsibility for it - I can't do much to help you other than to point it out.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i want to thank you for your reply. it was, to be honest, probably true. for the first couple months that i was working there that i almost totally ignored mindy and i remember one day as we crossed paths i heard her say under her breath, " i know you like me." it was so slight and the was a lot of chatter in the room, but i know thats what i heard. again thank you for bieng as honest as you were. i am anxious and willing to learn the right way; i don't have a whole lot of money. like i said i'm in a transition period and sorta making a fresh start. i was living with my parents and there crack heads. i got away from all of my friends, well people who i thought were my friends. i moved from the west side back out to the beach where we used to live when i was younger. for the first time in my life i'm on my own. it hasn't been too long now, since october now. my land lady is super nice. my roommates are way cool. i mean there good people and not too much different from me. my land lady took it upon herself to get me some job applications and a week later i got a job for the first time in my life. i get ssi so my rents paid for so i have a little bit of cash every now and then. i see all these good things happening; i still sad. like i said i want to talk to more girls, but i just don't know where to go or what to say (to women)like i said i am a very good conversationalist around people... like you said my family and friends and even around women i'm not attracted to. i just don't know where to go to learn the right way. you said that i need to know the why as to what works. you seem kinda frank and i don't mean that in a bad way; but thats actually how i learn in school. my teachers would be trying to help me with something i didn't understand and i would always be asking why so that i would know how to use the example in another situation; it was usually always math that i needed help with. anyway. it was always obvious that i was nervous around mindy and like i said once i got to know bianca a little i wasn't and now don't get nervous around her. you said don't be myself. that it doesn't work. then what do i do. i'm not arguing with what you said, you obviously know more about this subject than i do; i don't think i know everything, i said women just don't like me and it's killing me that i can't figure out why and how to fix it. i just want to date and like i said it's hard to be confident when all your life women treat me as i described before. i was actually thinking earlier though while i was out looking into school...be confident. be confident about what...everything? actually i was looking into school not only will i be in school, but i'll also get to meet more women; if what your telling me is true than i'll just repeat the same mistakes not even realizing it. like i said i am just naturally a nice guy and ya i caught that women they would tell me what a great guy i am; not for them. how do i fix my belief system. i didn't literally read all the books, but i read alot and they were all telling me the same things. the first couple i read didn't work and all the rest said the same or something very similar and thats why i searched the internet to try and find someone to ask because i realize that there not helping, there just slowing the progress. now that i think about it, your probably right that i wouldn't be so shy if i knew what to say in these kind of situations. as i thought of that i remembered a party my roommate took me to. there were about 100 people there and i remember bieng so nervous that i remember sweating perfusly, my heart was going 90 miles an hour and all i remember was i drank an awful lot that night for that reason. when i first met my roommates i got that same feeling; it wasn't as intense. when i meet just about anyone for that matter i get that feeling. i just want to fix and i don't know what to do. that was a good opprotunity to mingle, but i was about to have a heart attack just sitting at the table with my roommate and his buddies who i had previously met. i want to change it so bad i'm about to go waste money on a dating coach to help with something that i should just know. see i don't know if it's supposed to come naturally or if it has to be learned. and actually i don't have the money to hire a coach, but i just want things to change and for the better. i didn't know if it would be better to just ask mindy out to lunch, especially bieng as nervous as i was, or if i should just casually ask her out. i knew she knew i liked her and wanted me to ask her out. i wasn't intentionally trying to fly in under the radar, i just wanted to talk to her and had very little opportunity. like i said our schedules hardly ever lined up and when they did we were really busy and on opposite sides of the establishment. i also don't get this though, if she didn't want to go out because i messed up asking her than why did she give me her number when i asked? was that just her way of saying no. again i apreciate your being as honest as you were. like i said i just didn't like where my life was heading and i'm trying to change it for the better and this is the area i'm having no success in period. i want to learn how to change this. you said you couldn't help me until i realize that accept the fact that i am doing everything wrong and not right. you said my results prove it and thats why i asked for your help, my results were the same even though i tried and applied what was what i thought the correct way. if you can help me and tell me the right way i will sincerly do what you tell me to do. i'm not too concerned with mindy. it would be nice if i could fix what i screwed up; i just want to date period. i'm 21 and i haven't had a girlfriend in 4 years. i was in high school that last time i had a girlfriend and it didn't last long. i've even wasted money on hypnosis and sublimanal messages to change my current situation to no prevail. just tell me what to do and i'll do it. you have no clue how grateful i'd be. well maybe, but. i'm looking for help and don't know where to go. thank you.

Answer
Hello again Patrick!

The key to getting these things fixed in entirely in your belief system. You want to believe in fairy tales - and not have to learn how things really work. Yes, absolutely - education is the key. However, getting all the education in the world and trying to fit it into a broken belief system isn't going to work.

One (of many) examples is the belief that women are attracted to good-looking, nice guys. No, they are not. Sure, women appreciate attractive men, but that's not causes them to be attracted to these guys. You hear women talking all the time about "chemistry". Therein lies your key. It's about building chemistry, but to do so you have to have the right guy hit the right buttons. You ARE the right guy, but not when you're trying to be the nice guy. These two aren't the same people.

You have absolutely no models to follow, and thus, you revert back to what is safest and easiest for you. "Just Be Yourself" doesn't work for this very reason. It's too easy and safe - and LOOKS too easy and safe. You hear women say to JBY all the time, but the reality is, it simply makes it easier for THEM to weed you out that way! When you do this, you prove to them that you aren't the guy for them and they don't have to waste time on you! It's really that simple.

I'll bet you were raised by a single-mother; or at the very least, your father wasn't around. What you've done is to adopt most female-based attributes. I see guys doing this all the time! They think that by going "to the source" that they'll learn what women want. It's unfortunate, but women don't really know how to be men. They can only show you how to be women and if you learn that (as you have) women won't date you. If they want to date other women, there are far better ones out there than you! There's a wealth of them in cooking and yoga classes!

What you need is a different model; a roll-model where you can begin to learn how successful men think, act and ARE. Once you begin to see these traits, they instantly flip a switch in your brain. You say, "Oh yeah! I remember that!" because these ancient traits are built right into you. The problem is that right now, you have no switch to flip!

I strongly encourage you to read "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (BAM1) - and to do the exercises. This is that switch I just mentioned. This will give you an entirely new set of tools to work with, and to start to see how these men actually are. More important, it'll give you a new path to follow to begin changing these things in yourself.

As to JBY and how to REALLY be? First, you don't have to be a jackass to do well with women. Instead, you have to be strong and have a solid direction - AND, be able to communicate those in language that women understand. BAM1 will give you these communication tools and that much-needed perspective on how to start flipping all sorts of switches you already have.

Patrick, I've worked with thousands of guys in the exact same boat you're in. Put Mindy on the back burner for a short while. You have some time here and if you simply try to close her now without having the tools you need, you're just going to blow her out of the water. Why waste a great prospect? Instead, get started on gaining that education and very soon, she's going to be your first test-case. You're going to be amazed at how SHE changed - all because you did first.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"