Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/3/2010

Question
Hi doc,
      Well i recently kind of fell out with this girl i have liked for one year. I suppose she was having a tough time, so she treated me harshly. That forced me to ask her questions about us and then she said that she thinks that we will not have a chance anymore. When i asked her whether we ever had a chance to get together, she said yes. But when i asked her why she didnt reciprocate my love, she said she didnt feel it thats all. Now i havent talked to her for about a month. Recently i just saw her and it made me realise how much i missed her. So i feel like giving her a bracelet i bought for her when we were still good friends. I feel like writing a note a giving it along with the gift as well. I am thinking of passing it to her friend to pass it to her, because i dont know whether she wants to meet me.
What should i write in my note, that will probably make her laugh and miss me too? And what should i write so that she will want to reply me? Also i feel like buying her a mini punching bag. And i feel like attributing that bag to her frustration. I want to tell her that i am sorry and that i would have done it if i were in her shoes as well. I dont want her to feel like she's a bastard. And i feel like telling her that let the punching bag be something which she can vent upon all her frustrations she is having in this tough time. And i want to tell her to vent her anger on me on it, and get back on gd terms with me. Wad do u think about this? Or should i make any other amendments in my plan? Pls help me out.This means alot to me. Thanks in advance!!!

Answer
Hello Jeff!

Don't do this.

Think about it: what do you really hope is going to happen here? That she swoons, "Oh! Jeff! I'm so glad we're back together!" - all because you tried to buy her attention again?

This simply doesn't work. If you have a gift for her, give it to her when she earns it or find someone else that earns it from you first.

Likewise with the note. Again, more attempt at manipulation. She's not going to fall for it, and will be angry that you think she will. Don't self-prostrate yourself with the punching bag or any of this ridiculous crap!

If you really want this girl back, do this instead: stop worrying about whether she wants to meet you or not. Stop being so insecure. Stop worrying about some perceived frustrations. Stop trying to hide behind gifts and notes and friends and man-up here.

All of these things are EXACTLY why she broke up with you in the first place! She wanted to get away from all of that. Now you want to throw it all back in her face thinking that more of it will solve your problem. It won't.

Instead, just walk right up to her (you have the right to by the way) and say, "Hey! How are things going?" Get her talking and catching up. Be bold and calm and confident. Don't expect to get blasted from her - you won't - and even if she were to, it wouldn't be justified. She doesn't want to look like a jackass any more than you do, (you don't, right?)

Make this light and fun - don't hit her with getting back together. Just enjoy her company and let her enjoy yours.

Then, give her a week or so and call her up. Tell her you want to go do something fun - just like you used to do when you were together. Don't tell her it's a "date" at all - just rekindle the good things you had before to remind her of them. If you do this without pressure she's not going to resist and will begin wondering why she broke up with you in the first place.

On the flip side, if you do the gift-and-note thing, you're just going to remind her of the problems. She's not going to want to rush back into that at all.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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