Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/3/2010

Question
Hey Doc,
I've been talking to this girl for a few months, and I really think she has the most potential of anyone I've met before.  I would say I started things off well with her.  We met at a friend’s new years eve party, and that night we talked a good bit and discovered that we actually were attending the same church.  We started talking on facebook and soon after met up in church.  I asked her on a lunch date afterward, and she accepted.  It was pretty clear that we had chemistry.  It’s important to note that during the semester she is away at school and comes home occasionally on weekends, so it’s difficult to make plans with her.  Eventually we began talking on the phone.  It was me who called her most of the time, but she even admitted that she’s not a big phone person.  We’ve been on 2 dates since then.  One was a few weeks after our lunch date, and we went to get coffee and eat late one night.  The second time I bought her a ticket to go to a concert with me in the city where she attends school.  This period of time was a roller coaster for me, because sometimes she would give signs that she was interested and sometimes not so much.  At the concert I made sure to hold her hand, and she responded positively to it.  The next night on the phone I told her how I felt about her, since it was pretty clear to her at that point.  She responded like her signs hinted she would.  She thought that there was definitely potential, but she wasn’t looking to be in a relationship.  There was no doubt in her sincerity and even mentioned that she thought I understood her better than anyone else at the time, including one of my friends who liked her.  She had grad school on her mind, and was still remembering the complications of her last relationship during the previous summer with her ex-boyfriend who she claimed to not be completely over.  I know this talk I had with her didn’t change the relationship between us.  The next time she came in town I thought we would meet up and do something, but she ended up doing something with her friends instead.  The next weekend I asked her if she wanted to do something around where she attends school, because I was going to be close-by the night before for my friend’s birthday.  She ended up telling me she already had other plans.  This definitely damaged the confidence I had with her, but I made sure to bring it up over the internet the next week when we were talking.  She explained to me that she declined the second weekend because she is trying to spend time with her friends there since it’s her last semester.  Also she said when she’s in town it’s not for very long so she usually has people she wants to catch up with.  She really has no problem with seeing me, but I’m not her top priority.  She said, like previously, that she isn’t looking to like someone right now, which implies that she could start to like me if we spent enough time together.  Lately I haven’t called her much, but we still talk online regularly.  She still frequently initiates chat with me.  It’s also apparent to her that sometimes I’m sensitive to her words and actions even over the internet, but I explained myself, and she understands plainly the way I feel about her.  Her reasons are still the same for not wanting to be in a relationship right now, but she says it’s still possible for the future.  Also her ex-boyfriend claims he’s changed and wants another chance with her as well.
So to sum everything up, she thinks I have potential but isn’t completely confident, because she feels like she needs to get to know me a little more.   I want to fix that by spending more time with her, which hasn’t been going so well lately.  She will be back home in about a month, so it will be easier.  Again, she’s not currently looking to be in a relationship right now.  What are some specific things I can do to make her more attracted to me and at the same time speed up the time it would take her to want another relationship?
Thank You.

Answer
Hello Brad!

Some reality: she realizes what you don't. This is obviously a long-distance situation (since you can't just be there when things are happening - everything has to be planned) and thus, she can't have the relationship she wants - with you.

All this garbage about not wanting to be in a relationship is pure, unadulterated crap. Of course she does. The problem is that this isn't one anyone should be in!

When you said that she'll be back home in a month, do you mean permanently? If so, that's one thing, if not, that's another - and frankly, you're screwed.

If she's back in a month for good, wait until then. Give her a week or so to reorganize her life and then contact her for a date. Also, when you're on a date with her, don't forget to set the next date! That's the best chance you'll have to close the deal.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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