Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/8/2010

Question
Hi Dr Neder,

I'm going to ask you for a big favour, You were right you had answerd the below question already unfortunately it was deleted by mistake. I've looked for it on past answers and its not there - if you still have access to a copy I'd be really grateful if you could forward it to me. Hopefully I am going to man up and deal with this but your comments I'm sure would have put me on the right track.

We're both 31, she works in an office that is linked to mine, and in some cases we're working on the same projects, which I know can in itself be an issue but this girl was immediately attractive to me - beautiful, charming and seems kind also.


Anyway, I've had the impression she's been showing interest in me, body language, eye contact, and her voice on the phone has been very flirty.  

Two days ago we met to visit a different site together (something I'd been looking forward to for two weeks) and we got on great - we went out to lunch together afterwards, just the two of us, and it was like a date, she had planned to go 'work at home' for the rest of the day, in other words I think she'd left her options open - she then gave me a lift back to the train station as I decided to play it cool and return to my office for the afternoon, which I kind of needed to do anyway, the conversation was turning to what we had planned for the weekend - SHE brought it up, I then told her I was cycling with my brother on saturday and car shopping on sunday, following this I got the sense that the time had come to seal the deal, and I ASKED HER TO COME CAR SHOPPING WITH ME (....WTF...), she said 'car shopping?' and then changed the subject and started talking about her friend and the time she had helped her leave her violent husband who then had to start the car for them both anyway (what I belive is referred to by some people as a shit test), by this time I had the creeping death feeling you get when you think you're failing just because the initial invite hasn't elicited a yes, and I didn't recover from it.  She started talking and joking about other things, we pulled up at the station and she was looking for a reason for me not to get out, such as 'oh I wonder if I should drop you at the university station instead would that be better?' and kept on as though she didn't want me to leave.

Problem was, I'd fired all my shots at once by asking her out (however lame the invitation was) I'd worked myself up to asking her then when it didn't work because I was nervous or whatever, I had nothing left in the tank and just bailed, I got out of the car and there was her shaky voice behind me 'oh ok have a nice weekend then ok bye'

Basically my ego took over just because she hadn't said yes and I lost it, then I walked into the train station feeling like I was going to puke. I'm not used to this kind of moment when you have to escalate to asking someone out and it felt WAY more significant than it needed to, I think I'd probably built up to it in my own mind which just made it worse.

Anyway, assuming that there is still the chance of this going somewhere (which may or may not be true for any number of reasons) but if it is, I am planning to carry on the friendship as though nothing had happened and see where it goes from there.

Hope you can help

Owen

Answer
Hello Owen!

The response is below.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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Hello Owen!



No, you haven't blow this yet. The problem was that you don't know how to set dates.



I understand that you were nervous and didn't want to push things to risk rejection from her. That would have ended your game. However, you don't have to suffer like this when you know how to set dates properly.



Here's what you're going to do next:



Timing is rather important here. If it's been less than 3-4 days when you see her next, give it another 2 days. On the other hand, if it's been more than a week, you need to get moving.



Just walk up to her (do NOT text her!!) and say, "It was fun spending time with you last week [or whenever]. Let's do it again. Which evening is better for you - Thursday or Friday [or whenever]." Keep the time frame for the next date longer than 1 day, but shorter than 5. 2-3 days is best, but it depends on schedules and other things.



Notice a few things: first of all, I didn't ask. For instance, I said to say "Let's do it again" NOT "do you want to do it again?" This is a subtle but very important key. As well, I'm recommending that you make this an evening - over drinks and maybe dinner - not another lunch. Lunches are what buddies do - not people that are starting out dating.



When she picks a day, be absolutely clear on the time, where you'll meet, etc. Don't leave any of this up to chance, and for god's sake, don't agree to confirm it later on! THIS is the confirmation itself. If you don't do this, she'll "accidentally" not answer the phone with some excuse about being busy and you'll have been played.



Likewise, if she tells you she has to check her schedule, give it a time frame. Just say, "Ok, let me know by this evening so I can schedule something else if you're not available."



Owen, if you want to learn how to not only set dates and make absolutely sure that she'll show, how to manage dates, build rapport and connection, etc., I suggest you read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" as they go into all of this in great depth including "what to do if..."