Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/9/2010

Question
Hi respected sir
Sir I want the answer of a question written below which is very important for me. Please answer the question from your precious time.
Sir I am a Bsc student and I love a girl of my dreams which also studies in same university with me but not in same  class.
Whenever she passes through me I look her for a long time and miss her. Always I try to find chances to talk her but I become confused before talking her and negative thoughts overcome my mind whenever I want to talk her. I had talked her for only one time but that time I need some notes.
I want to know that when I look her why
1. I become less confident
2. I feel shyness
3. I think that I will not talk to her.
4. I think that if she becomes my friend, other students will become jealous.
I want to say important thing that I am so much less confident in daily life but in friendship case I feel less confidence.
Please sir answer the question as soon as possible. More than a year have passed and I cannot find a method that how I should talk her.
thanks a lot.

Answer
Hello Waqas!

You've waited a year to get this fixed? That's a long time to wait!

Is this really what you want to know: "why" these things happen? The answer to them all is pretty simple: it's that you have created these problems in your mind and given them so much value over so long, they have become huge for you. In fact, you've actually tricked yourself into believing that they are true when in fact, they are not.

Think about this. Let's say that this was some guy you wanted to become friends with. Do you really think you'd be having all these challenges just walking up and talking to him? Of course not. You'd do it easily.

Instead, you've spent the past year building this up in your mind as though it's a real thing. It is not.

What is real however is that you lack some basic skills. You've spent so much time convincing yourself that you can't talk to her you've actually made that come true but worse, you haven't learned what you need to know in order to fix it.

Approaching her is actually very easy! What you lack is some reason to do so. That reason is called "context". Context is actually very simple. You just have to ask yourself one simple question: "what do she and I have in common at this place, at this time, in this situation?" The answer to that question is your context or reason to approach her and say "hello".

For example, you both go to the same school. You both have the same studies and likely have the same teachers although not at the same time. There are a bunch of reasons to approach her right there! You can walk up to her and ask her how she's doing with her studies, or how she likes specific classes (especially ones you have yet to take) or how she likes the teachers or what she thought of an assignment, etc. If you're creative enough, you can have a ton of these reasons to talk to her in just a minute or so of creative thinking!

Once you talk to her, the next step is to establish rapport and connection.

To learn more about this, go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and click on "self help". From there, read my FAQ's.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
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