Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/22/2010

Question
Ok Well I have spent most of the day reading other peoples stories and pain about there breakups and seeing a lot of commonalities. The most frequent being that a lot of us seem to have a "thing" for women that are control freaks and like to play emotional mind games. So lets see what you guys think about my story and see what insight you guys care to offer. I will forewarn most of you this is a classic Toxic relationship. But we are both crazy so what the heck...


I am 29 years old and really at the point in my life where I would like to start a family and meet taht special someone. Like a lot of people a I lost me house do to the mortgage crisis and was offered a job from a friend I knew in Las Vegas. I immediately thought that if I took this job it would detour my all around goals of wanting to find someone special and start a family. Never the less I took the job. About a month after moving to vegas and things going pretty well. I met my girlfriend. How we met is actually a story in itself and pretty unique almost seemed like fate. But anyways since our first date we were inseperable. We practically started living together after a couple of weeks as I was over there over night. We were a extremely passionate couple we were definately the type that when out and about would make other people jealous just because of the way we would look at eachother and how we were together. However we did have a lot of ups and downs. Both in my life and hers and well frankly we fought a lot because she is the type that NEEDS outside male attention. She has to have the male validation for whatever reason. I mean I did everything for this woman and mind you I come from a completely self absorbed player background. I have loved and lost before and I have taken from women without care and frankly this time around I wanted to right all of my wrongs and devote myself to this person. So I did. I mean if she needed anything she got it. If she was sick (which was most of the time) I was rushing to the store to get her vitamins and suppliments to help her get over it faster. Brought her starbucks on my day off listened to her about her day, helped her and supported her to achieve her personal schools and help her get enrolled back in school. I mean the list goes on and on and on. She oftened talked about marrying me in fact it was her idea. One night we even drove around drunk in vegas trying to find a chapel that was open to get married. But we couldnt find one. But the thing that always bothered me and she knew it was how whenever her guy friends would come in from out of town how she would always act single and choose them over me. I mean she did this a number of times! It had made me seriously insecure we had talked about it so many times and she continued to do it again and again. When I would try and leave her she would literally get in her car and chase me down sometimes sit at my friends house for hours trying to call me to get me to come out and talk to her. As sick as this stuff sounds it actually kind of turned me on cause in my warped mind I thought wow this chick really does love me and she knows she messed up and she cant let me go! So this time I had a gut feeling something was going to do down. She was driving me to the airport where I was going to travel to Arizona to pick up a new car because I was in a car accident and she was nice enough to let me borrow her car for the last 2 months. And that alone had put a lot of stress on both of us but made us grow stronger cause we pretty much were attached at eachothers hip doing everything together cause we only had the one car. So I am getting dropped off at the airport we kiss deeply as we always do and I tell her to wait for me to get home. We will celebrate (cause it was only a 5 hour drive back). But all along I had a gut feeling that some of her guy friends were in town and she was bound to repeat her past. After all this was her M.O. Anyways I flew to arizona we were talking all day through text everything was going fine. Then was I get on the road to go back home she text's me and tell me she is going to dinner with cowokers (girls) from work. I mean come on? Isnt this obvious? I go into a rage cause I know she is lieing to me calling her everyname in the book through texting cause she knows that I know she thinks I am stupid and she is just lieing to me anyways. She gets off at work at 8 it takes about 10-15 minutes to get home. I was home by 8:40 there was no signs of her ever returning to the house. Not even to get ready or anything. Which means she had this planned! So we are texting back and forth she is trying to convince me she is just out with her girlfriends but she is refusing to tell me where or even invite me. I stay up all night long literally with a gut wrenching feeling cause I cant even begin to imagine what this person is doing. I mean folks the night before she asked me to marry her and we were 2 weeks away from closing on a house we were buying together! Anyways I finally get a text from her at 4:00 in the morning tell me she is going over to her best friend cassidys to spend the night. I mean come on! 4:00 in the morning sound like dinner with the girls to you? Anyways I stay in the apartment I begin packing all of my stuff she finally comes home at 10:30 the next day that is 30 minutes before she has to be at work. She doesnt even look at me and just runs straight into the bathroom to take a shower. I go outside to get my workout gear from her car cause at this point I am done I am so upset I just want to leave. But when I get to her car. I see it has been freshly detailed. A skimpy going out dress in the back Her entire makeup kit and heels in the front! I was ENRAGED!! I grabbed that dress went back inside the house and threw it at her and started screaming at her how could you lie to me. How could you do this to me. Out all night with god knows who! Not coming home and I actually grabbed her by the throat and pushed her up against the wall. I knew in that split second I had lost control and I was wrong. I immediately let go and she ran and called the cops. I grabbed what little clothes I could in about 30 seconds and left...

Now. This was tough. I knew in my heart and sole I was so wrong. But what she has done to me time and time again was also very wrong. I would never run out on her never cheat on her never put those insecurities in her of another woman. In fact I dropped all of my girlfriends for her! Whenever we went out she would get extremely jealous if another woman even looked at me! She was very territorial and the jealous type. After about 4 days went by I really began to feel like crap so I wrote her a email expressing how sorry I was stating that I even went to confession to ask for forgiveness and how wrong I was for that moment. I mean at this point people I cant function cant eat I mean nothing. I feel such a overwelming amount of guilt its insane. But never the less I didnt hear from her. I tried again about a week later. This time she actually responsed and we were talking. I thought we were possibly on the track to reconcile and work through this. But the whole time she is just punishing me and making me feel like crap because of the fact that I grabbed her. Her never once acknowleding what she has done. Like me grabbing her validates all of the crap this woman has put me through including that night. So feeling like crap and guilty and depressed I try to do the right thing. I go buy some roses and I go to her work when she is getting off to apologize like a man. She walks out. Looks at me and walks right back in. I am like oh great she is probably going to call the cops or something. Anyways I set the roses down on the side walk and just leave. She texts me 5 minutes later and asks me if I want to go to dinner and talk. I say sure and I immediately turn around. I go to the thai resturant we used to always frequent together. We are texting back and forth and I asked her if she found the roses and she said she hasnt been outside yet she is just finishing up something. Well I see 2 cops roll up and I am immediately devistated. Here I am trying to face her and apologize and I am thinking this woman is getting me setup to get arrested. I text her and tell her I cant believe she has done this I come to you to apologize to your face as a man and bring you flowers and you set me up like this. I mean thats fowl no matter how you look at it. Anyways the cops just serve me a no contact order and the whole time she is texting me asking me where the freakin roses are. Can you believe that? Well needless to say after that I was ready to give up I was like this person is just inhuman.

So.... About 2 weeks go by and I get a email from her telling me "I know you cant/wont response to this but I just wanted to let you know I am sorry for the way things ended" Now I know I should have ignored this email cause I know it was a lure to suck me back but I didnt. And I a responded with a sorry for what and taht began a whole new discussion and mind you a girl at my gym said that she had seen my ex already with another guy making out with him in front of the gym 2 weeks after we were broken up! I mean wtf! And you wanted to marry me? So anways we started talking and she told me about this guy and I was like wtf?? But she said she wanted to meet and talk and I wanted closure too cause I was still living with this guilt even though I still felt she spawned all of this. So she says she wants to meet the next day. ANd then low and behold she stands me up. I mean come on. How much more do you really want to mess with me. Something else you folks should also know my ex HATES the gym I mean I literally used to have to drag her to get her to go. So anyways back on subject she stands me up and text her and tell her I cant do this anymore I need to let you go out of my heart and my mind I have said I was sorry I have told you everything I feel I have tried to apologize to your face I have done everything I really can. And then she replied the next day and said that I will be sorry one day and that now she has to walk around the streets scared and I should be ashamed of myself and all this. I didnt even reply.

Now at this point at this state of mind I still love her I miss her like crazy I miss having a home cause now I am sleeping on another mans couch I can barely eat little own function in anyways I literally feel like I lost everything heck I even miss her little poodle I used to take care of. But I know that if I dont let her go I am literally going to drive myself insane! So I try... I dont call I dont text nothing I am trying now to forgive forget and move on. I know that besides that one moment I was such a good person to her and loved her so much and did everything I could to show her how much she meant to me. And to this day I still believe that. So about another week goes by and I get a email from her and it says "Hey I just want to let you know I am not a total bitch and your W2's came and later today I am going to drop them off on your car windshield if I can find the time" I am thinking is this chick for real. She does me dirty so many times gets a restraining order put on me runs around town telling everything I am a raging psycho path and now she wants to do me favors? I tell her to fuck off not to do me any favors and to leave me alone and not contact me. I too have found someone else and I dont want anything to do with her" He basically replies with some smart ass things to say like Oh another one for you to use lie and hit on. I am like your such a waist of time just delete my contact info.

Since then I have noticed she has been showing up at the gym on her days off at about the time I would go there. She also checks my myspace at least once a day almost everyday and she started up her black berry messenger again which has been activated in months and conviently she didnt delete me as a contact so I deleted her. And then she activated her google talk account which she also had for months and never even used! So I deleted that too.

So heres my question folks. And hopefully I am not over analyzing but does she really want me back? Does she want to talk but she wants me to intiate it cause she feel she was in the right and she is trying all these different means to put her self out there? Or is she just trying to get a rise out of me and mess with my head some more. Maybe play the control game. Whats even sicker is if she has a new man and she is still doing all of this! And I know she has flaws she acknowledged in our relationship that she does have man issues and that she does need to see a shrink to work through them She just always worked so much and late hours that we never had time to get her in. So I just tolerated a lot of it because the fact that she could see that she had a problem and I figured eventually we could work through it. So I am still left here wondering trying to anticipate her next move.... Is there going to be a next move? Is she going to call me? Am I going to get that sorry letter I have waited so long to hear? Is she just waiting to see me at the gym and make her move there. Even though last week we saw eachother while I was walking in and she was walking out but she didnt say anything and neither did I. But conviently she checked my myspace the next day..... I mean I just dont know what to do. As I write this I can see this is a toxic relationship but man the passion we had foreachother. Its something very rare and I can testify to that. But was it real? Was it all fake? Whats going to happen next? Is the ball even in my court?

Answer
Hello John!

First, it's obvious that you're sending this to everyone on this board. That's rude. You're not looking for help, you're looking for a bunch of penpals.

Second, I'm not going to read this huge essay just to throw you some information that is of no interest to you in the first place.

I'm here to help real people with real problems. Don't waste my (or other's) time like this. It's rude as hell.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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