Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/23/2010

Question
Hi, I am a girl of 22, and I was reading some stuff here to try to understand what men think about girls, what are their ways of approaching and their fears. I was just curious. I noticed you suggested more than once to "tell" instead of "asking" a girl out. In my opinion, many girls would feel this kind of approach a bit arrogant, especially if there has never been any contact (I mean, at least a bit of talking) before. I have been "ordered" out like this many times, and I declined each time, if they were good-looking boys. In a girl's mind, the first approach is very important, because it gives an impression of the man that will not easily be changed in short time. I definitely prefer a boy glancing at me, smiling and then asking me politely out. I don't think the "write down your number- technique" would work that good. Sure the man should be self confident, but he must not think that we are objects! maybe this is just my opinion...... but I wanted to tell it anyway! thanks for reading... (I am sorry if I made any mistakes, but I am italian)

Answer
Hello Guilia!

Yes, yes, I hear this all the time from women. Yet, it continues to work over and over again! I also hear that women want "nice guys", not jerks, yet the jerks are the ones that get all the girls. I've been both so I certainly know what I'm talking about here!

Guilia, I work in the world of reality. People say things all the time and do something else. My job is to show my guys the "something else" - and to help them be successful in this "woman's world". Many women hate that I do this because they're afraid of men that can actually make them happy!

With that said, keep in mind that I've never recommended a guy just walk up to a girl and demand her digits. This is about as effective as that old wive's tale where a guy goes up to 100 women and says, "Hey, you want to have sex?" and gets laid. You and I both know that has never happened. That's simply not the way women work.

On the other hand, building interest which leads to rapport and connection creates attraction. It's a very simple formula. As you've said yourself a guy that is self confident is very appealing and it's this guy that my students learn to become. Part of that is knowing exactly what they want and being able to express it in the very language that women are pre-wired to understand.

So, I'm afraid you're chasing the wrong argument here.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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