Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/22/2010

Question
QUESTION: I'm a guy in college and there is a girl who i like. I spoke to her very briefly since i heard her speaking spanish. I asked where's she from & that was it. I got quiet and left because i was too shy - but was angry with myself since i didn't even get her name. A week passed & the girl looked / smiled at me but was shy again. Then she started ignoring me - i don't know why but she did. However today i passed by her in the library, saying "aren't you the spanish girl?" asked how her lessons are, introduced myself & got her name, then shook hands and left. This may be formal but i'm happy that i had courage to do this...
Is this OK ?

ANSWER: Hello Dan!

She started ignoring you because she hoped you'd have moved things forward and you didn't. You didn't even respond when she smiled at you later! She probably think you're a lost cause.

At least you finally talked to her! I wish you hadn't said, "Aren't you the Spanish girl?" She knows damn well you remember who she is! Please don't underestimate girls like this. It's rude, and they know it's rude. Further, it makes you look like an ass!

On the up-side, you began something - now hurry up and move it forward! Go to this girl and say, "Hello [her name] - good to see you again." Then, engage her by getting her talking! (If you don't know how, go read my FAQ's on my website (http://BeingAMan.com - under "self help").

Then, CLOSE THIS GIRL already! Get her digits and set up a date!

Dan, I'm proud of you for doing something, but remember out philosophy over here at BAM: getting digits is FAILURE, NOT SUCCESS if you do nothing with it. Too many so-called "experts" think that digits = success. Instead, I want you to have something real. Go make it "real" already.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well i saw her today in college, passed her in library, said 'hi & how are you'. Then later passed by & saw her doing work & drawing some picture,which i teased her about & told her to try harder when drawing. Then later i went to the canteen and saw her with her mates. We both made eye contact and smiled / waved at each other. Soon afterwards I was going to ask her out but she was speaking on the phone!(possibly BF) I was annoyed at myself !! The problem is she is always to herself (mentally)and with her mates!
What do i say next time ?

ANSWER: Hello again Dan!

GREAT FREAKIN' JOB DAN!!!!!! I'm very proud of you! Here you are moving things ahead by engaging her. Teasing and "busts" are fine too if you use them in moderation, but it's very easy to go overboard so be careful.

You need to close this girl. That has to be your next step. If you don't do this right away, it's going to get weird and you won't be able to do anything then.

Thus, don't wait! And, don't let her seeming like she's "to herself" or with her friends cause you to think you can't close her. You can even walk up to her and say "Hey there!" with her friends right there. Then, turn to the friends and say, "Hi, I'm Dan" and meet them all too. Remember their names by the way! This is critical - say them over in your head a few times and say "Hi [friend's name]" back to them to help you remember and make sure you go the name right.

Then, you can take just a minute to treat the friends politely and in a fun way (no busts here however!) and then just say, "Well, I have to keep moving. Talk to you all later." Then, turn to the girl and say, "I'll see YOU later too".

By keeping this short and engaging, you're already being brought into the group. If you make a good (or GREAT) impression on the friends, they're going to do more for you in this girl's eyes than you can ever do by yourself. Then, the very next time you see the girl you can just say, "Hey you have nice friends, but I want to get to know you a little better too. Write down your number and I'll call you next week and we can go do something fun..."

Dan...be thinking "close" with this girl.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dr Dennis,

After 2 minutes of sending you the previous message, i went up to the girl, spoke for a bit and then asked if she'd like to get a coffee sometime. Guess what - she said she can't cos she has a boyfriend. I was devestated but didn't reveal my feelings, just said "no probz see you around".

Now i'm sad she said no. But i'm satisfied that i had the courage to see this through AND now i know i can try and move on from her. HOWEVER i DON'T want to see her again cos i'm embarrass & KNOW she'l tell her friends & they laugh / talk about me whenever i'm in sight !!!

What do you think ?

Answer
Hello again Dan!

What in the hell are you embarrassed about? You got to know this girl and offered her a nice time getting to know you. What's embarrassing about that? Don't do anything different with her. Continue to engage her just as you have.

I'll add this however: boyfriends are never an issue. It's an unfortunate reality but it's harder to keep a girlfriend than to steal someone else's. These are skills I teach my students but for now, just know that fact and don't change things with her at all.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"