Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/27/2010

Question
QUESTION: I'm sorry if I'm sending this message twice, but i think theres a problem with my other eamil i sent this message from.

Here is a copy/paste of a message I sent 20mins ago.




Hello Dr. Neder

I've met this girl less then a week ago. Shes 17 and I'm 20. We met at a small social gathering of college friends (1 guy, 2 girls, me and her).

I was cooking, we had a few drinks, we liked each other and made out. Got her number, we went out 2 days later. We've seen each other 2 more times before this "thing" happened tonight.

We talked about "relationships" the same night we made out and i told her shes my gf. She was telling her friends how shes happy that shes with me.

Anyhow, in so little time that we spent together it felt like we were together for months. I really enjoyed her company and talking with her. We called each other every day.

All this might sound ridiculous since we were together for less then a week.

Anyhow, the texting, talking, behaving in public, kissing and all, she was happy and glad to be with me.

1 hour ago she called me before bad, to say that shes going to sleep and told me to call her tomorrow when i want.

But now, a few minutes ago, she sends me a text over facebook "It's really hard to be with someone, when your in love with someone else, please forgive me for everything :(("

That guy, shes been with him when she was 15. They were together for a year. And then broke up. She was single for a year.

All in all, I'm kinda disappointed she didn't have the guts to tell me that to me in person.

I think now would be a good time to not respond, text, or call for 5-6 days and then give her a call, tell her to clear the next day for me and go take a walk on the beach or something...

I would appreciate if you could give me an advice on how to deal with this situation, Dr. Neder, and how to deal with her childish "love" thing or whatever. Shes a nice and pretty girl so I'd like to switch the game over to my favor.

Thank You in advance Dr. Neder

Best regards,

Luke

ANSWER: Hello Luke!

I agree - that was a pretty cold, cowardly act to dump this on you via Facebook. Pretty low stuff!

First of all, I'm glad you're considering a direct approach here, but I think the ZCP ("Zero-Contact Policy") isn't the right approach. Instead, you need to address more specifically.

To do that begin by telling her how you don't appreciate her dumping this on you via Facebook. It's really cold. If she doesn't think she can tell you to your face or at least through the phone, then you gave her WAY more credit than she is due. Put it that way. What you're trying to do here is transfer the power she effectively took from you (by making you have to react) back to yourself by putting her on the defensive.

Next tell her that she's holding on to a ghost. It's been a year and it's way, way past time to let go! Here she has the perfect opportunity to do that (you) and she's just about to piss that away because you're not going to wait for her to make up her mind. She's either in or she's out and if she's out, you'll be in the arms of the next girl in a short skirt you find.

This little speech is going to "help" her to get some perspective. It's been a freakin' year already! It's time to let things go!

Notice too that this is bold and direct; telling her that you have a clear direction and she's either on-board or she's going to lose out. Don't deal with the rudeness issue beyond mentioning it and don't deal with her little problems with letting go. Focus on the future and what she's about to miss out. This sort of clarity is hugely compelling to girls.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: More or less, i did as you said Dr Neder. I was quite busy so i sent her a message the day after the breakup saying how cowardly the FB breakup was etc but that ill give her a call when i find some free time.

A few hour later, her best friend calls, a girl i go to class with, and says that they talked and how shes sorry she did that and that she likes me.

I got a call from her (ex), the next day at 3am while she was out with her friends... We tried to talk for about 10mins but i was too sleepy so i said ill call her tomorrow.

As i said, i called, we talked a bit and she asked whats the conclusion to our chat...? I said "Well you will either be with me or you wont, there is no middle ground here for me and since you don't want to see me, my conclusion is you don't want to be with me and thats it."

She got defensive here saying things like no no no i never said i don't want to be with you, im just confused i dont know what i want, how about we see each other tomorrow and not today etc.

There was a lot of tension that could be felt in the conversation till now when i said: "ok thats a different story, ill give you a call next week (this is saturday morning), then ill tell you when and where ill pick you up, oh and i almost forgot, you promised to clean my car so that will keep you busy"

She laughed, said thats a deal, cya next week.

I got sick the next day and now my mouth is full of canker sores, i havent been able to eat or drink for the past few days. And i cant even talk.

Anyhow, yesterday due to some relief medicines i was feeling good and could even talk a bit. So i gave her a call. She was surprised, said she was certain I wouldn't call her since she didnt hear anything from me for 4-5 days. We talked a bit, i told her im sick and that ill give her a call when till sunday, and that ill pick her up on sunday afternoon.

Even tho i doubt ill be healthy by then : /

Oh well, everything went well i guess

I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time here since i really didn't add a question here... Just wanted to share that with you, and maybe get corrected if its not too late.

And of course, Thank You Dr. Neder

Best regards,

Luke

Answer
Hello again Luke!

First off, I think you handled this pretty damn well. I'm glad you went to phone rather than messaging or texting. I'm also glad to hear of her reaction - exactly as she should have.

You need to get this back in-person however. I hope you're feeling better, by the weekend, but if not, plan something - even if tentative - for one evening next week.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"