Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/14/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

I had been with my partner for 6.5 years and the last 3 years of the relationship were tough times and it has always been long distance/never lived together which suited as he was a student at the time.  He has now found a job and decided that he no longer wants to be with me because of all the cumulation of arguments and negativity over the past 6.5 years.

I was really distraught by this, more than I expected and still am.  I tried to leave it well alone but I don't want to not have him in my life so last night I called him and told him that I believe he has done the right thing in the breakup as yes, we need time to grow and be ourselves and cast off all the negatives and just go back to enjoying each others company again (although this will only be emails or texts) etc.

I desperately want to be with him again and think that breaking up and having some time is a good idea but I don't think he is thinking that far or even of that thought etc.  There is nothing I can do and I feel very miserable about it but thought if we at least are friends that gives it the best chance to see how things pan out.  It has now been about 3 weeks and I've just come back off holiday and had started to build a wall round my heart to block out this feeling but an unrelated incident yesterday has knocked my wall over and I am starting again.

I guess the question is......am I doing the right thing by staying friends and if not is there anything I can do to shake off this feeling - I am already making myself busy, meeting friends, going out, going to the gym and studying in any free time but this is taking over my life and I miss him and genuinely think we are right together, just not right now.

Please help

ANSWER: Hello Al!

First of all, consider this: a long-distance relationship isn't a "relationship" in the first place. Yes, I know it feels like one and you have all the same emotions, but not only are they fraught with problems (and lets face it, relationships are tough enough!) but neither of you can actually be there with the other to really share in important things that happen in your lives.

Now, consider a relationship where you are local enough to each other to do this. Do you see the simple difference in quality between these two types of relationships?

Making him your friend only serves to keep the wound open and fresh. You need to heal so you can move on and find that new person locally.

To do that, start with purging everything about him from your life. Find everything you have that reminds you of him and put it in a box. Seal it and give it to a trusted friend to keep with the instructions to not give it back to you until sometime in the future when you're in a new, solid, healthy relationship. Chances are, you won't want it back then anyway, but at least you know it's out of reach.

Do the same with emails, texts, phone numbers, etc. - everything.

This action is going to help you clear your life and your mind of him at the same time.

Next, continue to do what you're doing now. Meet new people, go out and have fun, etc. Sit down and start working on your relationship goals. These are real, written goals just like you might have for your career and other parts of your life. You have to really take some time to craft these, but the benefit is that you will start programming your mind to look forward, not backward.

As well, start getting some discipline about your thoughts. Whenever you have a feeling of missing him creep back in, stop yourself and say, "No, that's part of the past. I'm only focused on the future" and then imagine how things will be when you meet the new guy you're looking for.

Al, if you do these things, you're going to find that within a week or two all of this starts to fade and you'll be on your way to moving forward with your life.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, your comments and responses were exactly right; I'm just finding it hard at the moment and know that it will get better in the end and having someone local as you said, would be a much better quality relationship.  I feel let down that I have invested so much into this and supported him in all his decisions to be cast aside now he has money, car job etc.  I think being friends will keep me hanging on for a response and as you said, will probably never heal.   To me, he is a beautiful person but I guess there are others out there who I will eventually feel the same about?

Answer
Hello again Al!

There are others out there who you will feel even more for; especially if you can have a REAL relationship with them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"