Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/30/2010

Question
Hi, I am 28 years old and a pretty succesful young man. In general, I don't have a confidence problem, except when it comes to picking up woman.  I am after a 2 year relationship with a girl that didn't work out in the end.  Problem is, I don't know how to pick up woman, and the ones I do try always end up wanting to be friends, or just say no.  However, I should say I hardly pick up on woman I don't know, since it embarrases me. Even my last girlfriend was a girl that worked with me. The one before that picked me up. I really want a serious relationship.  I am just afraid to hit on girls. I always find myself making excuses like she doesn't seem interested, or she is busy with friends, and all this before I even talk to them.  What should I do? How does one get over this fear? What is the best way to approach a girl in a club, bar or even a mall? How do I persuade a girl to agree once I have started talking to her? Need some help here!!

Answer
Hello Alex!

First of all, this is probably the most common question I get from guys. You're absolutely not alone here! Learning the approach and pick-up is something that very few people teach, and most of the that try, don't really know what they're doing either! They usually take something someone else writes and (without knowing why) warm it over and try to put it out as their own.

Consider this: if you knew exactly what to say and how to deal with the various possible scenarios that might arise during an approach, do you think you'd be scared then? Of course not!

You see, this isn't about being afraid to approach at all. It's simply a lack of basic skills and nothing more. When I got that figured out my entire life changed.

The problem is that most guys don't bother to seek out this education! Whether through lack of interest, arrogance, fear, laziness or some other ridiculous belief or reason, they never learn just how easy all of this really is. That's a tragedy both for the guy and for all the great women out there that would really enjoy meeting an equally-great guy if only he knew how to move things forward.

I teach guys a large number of "approach systems" for various scenarios, and these aren't about memorizing a bunch of dumb lines or trying to change who you are in the least. In fact, there are a large set of basic skills that work for every guy and in any situation.

With that said however, you're making a classic mistake in your question. You're talking about approaching girls in bars and clubs. These are the two hardest environments there are! What happens is that guys try to use these to learn skills and only wind up getting their asses handed to them by the very targets they want to meet. The mall is far, far better as is everywhere else.

So why are bars and clubs so tough? There are a number of reasons:

* Women go to bars and clubs to get hit on. Thus, they are ready for you - and already have their own games down and hold huge expectations of any guy that approaches them.
* They usually go in large "girl packs" making it far more difficult for most guys to approach them.
* It's entirely artificial! Where else do you go in life where there are maybe 2-3 girls you'd like to meet and maybe 50-100 drunk, horny guys all competing for the same girls? Well, there is one (worse) place: the internet!
* Girls own all the power in clubs and bars. You need to learn how to turn that power around and make it your own if you want to be successful in places like this.
...and a hundred other reasons!

I can walk into a bar or club and get digits, dates and sex that very night, but you have to remember that I've been doing this for years and years. I have those skills because I've perfected them and I teach them. Alex, I'd never send you into a place like that without real training first. There's nothing magic about it, but trust me, it's not intuitive! I teach entire seminars where we train guys just how to make bars and clubs (and everywhere else for that matter) work for you.

With all that said, don't be discouraged. In fact, you CAN be incredibly successful all over the place. In fact, anywhere you go - just even being out and doing your daily things - can bring you tons of incredible women.

Think about this: you probably see about 5-7 great girls every single day. Why don't you approach them? You've listed some reasons, but frankly it all comes down to one single reason: you don't know how. You don't know how to break the ice, you don't know how to engage the girls, you don't know how to build rapport and connection, you don't know how to turn that into real chemistry that SHE feels instantly and you don't know how to close for what you want. When that changes, so will your life.

I strongly urge you to get this education already! You're 28 years old - how many more years are you going to wait to learn this? A few girls might drop into your lap here and there, but the reality is that you're only going to get what's left over after me and my students pick from the bunch. Further, what if she doesn't fall into your lap? What then?

Do yourself a favor and make the tiny investment in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and get studying already! These books will show you exactly what you want to know. They'll give you the foundation not just to know how but more important WHY women choose certain men, how to create initial interest, build rapport and connection, exactly how to close and far, far more important: how to "convert". Conversion is even more important than the approach! Without that set of skills, you'll never turn your approaches into anything of value. Simply getting digits is a waste and as my students understand - failure. It's what you DO with them that is important.

Alex, bottom line: these are just skills and nothing more. No Magic. No secrets. No tricks. No becoming someone you're not already. Just new, pure understanding, knowledge and technique that lead to getting exactly what you want; and more important, deserve.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
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