Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/3/2010

Question
I have a question, but you should have a little background information.
I'm 21, live in the basement of parents house.My mom, and g-ma live upstairs. G-Ma is old, so mom has a hard time taking care of her.  So for a few months, another girl about 20 years of age has been sent here during certain days of the week. Call it "Home-Care", if you will.
Well anyways, she is going to resign from it, and another female is going to be taking her place. This girl is Emily, and she came over once so far-so I got to meet her then. She is attractive and seems nice.. In short-she seems like my type of girl.
The family also goes to "church" on Wednesday & Sunday. I go occasionally.  Emily also goes to our church, but at different Meeting Times. Anyways, I'm single and unaware of her Status.
I'd like to ask her about her Status, and get to know her better in hopes of possibly dating someday. However, how should I approach Emily about her Status, and if she's available- revealing that I'd like to get to know her better?

Answer
Hello Matty!

Ok, how many mistakes do you want to make with this one girl?

First of all, her "status" is meaningless. YOU think it has meaning because you think it's going to give you an indicator of your possible success or failure. It won't do that at all. No girl is going to tell you she's actually single - even if she is.

I call this the "empty restaurant" game. Consider this: you're in town and you're hungry. You see two restaurants - one full of customers and one that's completely empty. Which one do you eat at? Simple: the one with all the customers. After all, they must know something you don't.

Women believe this about their own love lives as well. They don't want you to think they are the "empty restaurant" so they'll claim to have a "boyfriend" even if he's just a boy-friend. Almost every girl has some guy she's not interested in chasing her around thinking exactly what you're thinking right now. This same guy has become her "friend" thinking that somehow she'll see what a great guy he is, fall in love with him and do all his work for him so that he won't have to.

Women know this game too and put guys that play it in the friend-zone; never to be taken out again.

This leads to your next gem: revealing that you'd like to get to know her better. In other words, letting her know you're interested and expecting her to move things forward for you. She's not going to do that. It's not her job and she damn well knows it. Stop trying to avoid risk and trying to get girls to do your work for you. It doesn't work like that.

Instead, since you both go to the same church, first, give her a chance to settle into the new job and just be nice to her for a few days. Suggest that you join her at church on one day when she goes to see if it's any different and then take her out for coffee or ice cream or whatever afterwards.

Bingo - you have a date.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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