Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/17/2010

Question
QUESTION: Ok, I have seen the MOST sex-oriented, the MOST annoying, and the MOST nerdy people in my school get TONS of girls, and I want to know why I don't.

First off, the positive. I have never cussed and never will. I am a wrestler. I'm not bad looking. I have confidence in EVERYTHING I do. I am chivalrous (not too much). I am the smartest in my school. I am caring. I do community service.  I have an opinion on everything, and can express it without causing problems. I get along with "everyone" (except the annoying person and the sex-oriented one). I know my limits. I am funny. I can control myself. I can stand up for myself. I'm great with words. I'm abstinent.
If we had electives, I would easily be the most likely to succeed. I want a serious relationship.
Pretty much everything a girl could want, and I don't try.
Now, the bad. I have an opinion on everything. I am not aggressive when crushing (working on it). My confidence turns into arrogance sometimes (but limited arrogance). My old school history was bad, but I'm at a new school, so that probably won't affect it. I want a serious relationship.

I've only had 3 true relationships, longest is a week and a half. Only one date. And I'm 15. When the guys that have no future, and are out for sex, are in the hundreds of dates and go up to 3 months.

Is it possible to be too close to perfect for girls? (I know this is arrogant, but I can't think of an explanation besides girls thinking "He deserves better than me." or "He can't be real. He's faking", If you think of an explanation, PLEASE tell me).

I am not exaggerating anything in this. It's all true. Sorry for the length.

ANSWER: Hello Tim!

"Everything a girl could want"??? Everything YOU THINK a girl could want. That's the problem.

You haven't bothered to find out what they REALLY want. You've read a bunch of fairy tales and taken them as fact. So, you've tried to craft everything to fit that ideal and not reality. Trust me on this, you're way, way far away from "perfect". To girls, you're anything but!

The other problem here is that you're actually listening to these guys. "100's of dates"? Yeah, right. They'll tell you anything. The reality is far different, trust me.

You have a skewed perception of what is "real". You've created all these attributes that you THINK are the right ones and you've even tested them, proving that they are not, yet you want to continue to believe that everyone ELSE is wrong - not you.

The first rule I teach my students is this: "sell what the customer is buying". Of course first you have to find out what it is that they are buying.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much.

But I've talked to my friends who are girls, just friend to friend talks, and they described "a guy who treats women with respect, has a great body, has a great sense of humor, and has a great future.", basically.

I did not fit myself like this. I did this on my own for my own. And the guys who have had 100's of dates, they have. Every month they have someone new, and everyone knows about it. I know having someone new every month is bad, but its better than have nobody, right? 100's may have been an exaggeration, but just to give you the idea.

"Sell what the customer is buying", does this vary on the girl? Or is there one common trait that I'm missing?

ANSWER: Hello again Tim!

Again, you're taking the information you're getting, running it through your own filter in order to understand it and completely missing the reality - which would have led you directly to the real answers.

Sure, women SAY they want a guy that treats them "with respect" (isn't that obvious? Why should anyone even have to say that?) has a "great body" (sure, why not? but what is "great" to that particular girl? Many girls like big guys and many like skinny guys. What's "great"?) a great sense of humor (sure, fine) and has a great future (at 15 or anything less than about 25, how would anyone know what their future is????)

You see, you haven't asked the RIGHT questions. You don't have a means to translate what you hear to understand it.

Many people say they'd like to be millionaires too. What they mean is that they want lots of money without any hassles in getting it. Those are to very different things! Many people say they'd like to be thin, but they spend all day inside watching TV and eating junk food.

Even your own math doesn't work out! "Every month they have someone new...". Really? That means they're dating 12 new girls every year. For just one hundred new girls, that would take 8.33 years! Thus, at 15, these guys would have had to start dating at 6.7 years old! Of course, you didn't say "one hundred", you said, "hundreds". That means multiple hundreds. That means that these guys were dating even before they were born. Nope. I don't think so.

There are common themes that many girls go for. Yes, every one is an individual, but women and men both have their own common "wiring" to be attracted to very specific things - and there are a lot of them. The problem is that you're asking the wrong people what that is, and when you ask, you're asking the wrong questions! Your own results bear this out!

You've tried to create what YOU think is the "perfect persona" and you expect every girl to conform to it. Well, that didn't work out so well, did it? Your own results have proven that isn't the "perfect persona" when it comes to dating success at all.

So, according to my own research and that of many, many others, here's what the vast majority of women look for in men in order of importance:

1. Power
2. Confidence
3. Sense of humor
4. Being genuine
5. Masculinity

Now, even knowing that doesn't help you too much. You need to understand what each of those things really are; or more to the point: what WOMEN THINK THEY ARE!

You see Tim, this isn't about taking a few words, knowing what YOU think they mean and trying to become them. It's about knowing what your target market thinks they are and becoming THAT instead.

Sure, girls TELL YOU they want a "nice guy" and then they turn around and only date jerks. What should you do? LISTEN to what they tell you or WATCH what they actually do?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I understand what you mean. But I don't want to become a jerk.

Am I understanding these right?

1. Power - I have no idea what this means.
2. Confidence - You present yourself to her like you are great. You have no problem making a move.
3. Sense of humor - Can make her laugh.
4. Being genuine - Be yourself, don't be fake and something you aren't.
5. Masculinity - You embrace your male side.


If my freshman class had a vote (we didn't), I would be chosen most likely to succeed. That's what I mean by a great future. I have my life generally planned out. The guys who have a new girl every month (or more often, but generally its every month), are failures and get on everyone's nerves, and have little to no planning for their lives.
And I said I exaggerated the "Hundreds", it was just to give an idea. I have no idea how many dates they've had. They are rarely single. I've only been in a couple for 2 1/2 weeks of my life, and thats probably longer than they've been single.

And I get from you that you think I TRY to be the perfect guy. I don't try to be what they say. I am myself, and I don't change myself for "anyone".

Answer
Hey Tim!

1. Power is the perceived value you hold among others.
2. No. Confidence is belief in yourself and your direction.
3. Partially. You have a SENSE of what's funny.
4. Yes, but just being yourself isn't enough - you have to be your BEST self - and be able to communicate that.
5. You EXPRESS your masculine side - and know what it is.

You TRY to be the guy you THINK is what girls want. The problem is that they want something different than you think.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"