Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/30/2010

Question
Hey, I am 18 years old and going to be a sophomore in college this fall and I haven't had a girlfriend so far.  All my friends say I'm too nice of a guy and I should be more of an "asshole" to attract the girls.  During my high school years and first year in college, I've liked a few girls, but they never worked out.  It seems I have to become friends first with the girl, then ask them out, but I feel like I act too slow asking them out and they get taken.  I feel like I have to know the girl for at least 2 weeks before I can make a move.  I don't understand people who can date a girl who they've know for like 3 days.
Anyways, I recently found a girl I like, but we don't really know each other.  Like we never talked to each other before.  I don't know how I like her, but I do.  She's a year younger than me, and she went to the same high school as me.  Also she's going to the same college as me in the fall as a freshmen.  However I'm not sure how I should introduce myself.  My friend is taking a summer school class and is in the same class as her.  I was hoping I would see her and say "hey, didn't you go to *this high school*."  I already attempted to say hi, but I got shy and when we made eye contact.  I just smiled and turned my head away.  I'm just wondering how I can get over my shyness and talk to her and make something happen.

Answer
Hello David!

Your friends aren't exactly right, but they're on the right path. You don't need to be an asshole to be good with women. On the flip side, you can't be the nice guy all the time and expect to get anywhere. This all stems from a basic lack of understanding of how women work.

While that discussion is far too large for this message system, I'll say this: women need to know they can feel safe and secure with you. You DO NOT create that belief in women by being the nice guy. That makes them suspicious and untrusting of you instead. When you don't trust someone, you can't possibly feel safe or secure and thus, they know they'll never fall in love with you.

As to creating a friendship with a woman first: absolutely not! Women divide guys up into two categories: boyfriend material and everyone else. If you become the friend first - in even the smallest way - you end the ability to EVER be in the potential boyfriend category. That's why things like "hanging out" and being "friendly" simply never work.

Guys that do this try to "work it from the inside". That means that they're trying to show her what a great guy he is, make her fall in love with him and then she'll do all his work for him. Women don't do this. In fact, they come prewired by nature to NOT do this - ever! Women know these guys are cowards and again, will never be able to create that all-important safety and security.

With this new girl, you're on the right path. You have developed a "context" in which to approach her. The context approach is the simplest but one of the most effective approaches there is. Your "context" for approaching her is asking her about high school. You can also mention that your friend and she have the same class together. Either (or both) of these are great contexts in which to break the ice.

All approaches work in basically the same way. They begin with some initial connection. This can be eye contact - or not! (Many guys think that if they can't get eye contact they can't approach. That's bullshit. You can approach any girl any where, any time.) Building a reason not just to be close to her but to engage her is the next step. You've chosen the context approach and that's fine.

You also need to build rapport and connection with her and to absolutely close (the RIGHT way!) to get what you want. There are different ways to close for digits, dates, sex, etc.

Let's talk about shyness for a moment.

Are you "shy" when you're around your friends? Are you "shy" when you're around your family? Are you "shy" when you're talking about something you know extremely well - even around strangers?

Of course not!

You see, you're actually CHOOSING to be "shy" (so you think!) around pretty girls. This isn't shyness at all. It's simply a lack of education - nothing more.

If you knew what to say or do and when to say or do it, would you really be "shy"? Not in the least - UNLESS you decided it would work to your benefit! Then, you'd ACT shy as part of your plan - not because you think that some outside force has inflicted it on you.

David, if you're not sure about any or all of this, I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". Here you are in college - the greatest training ground there is for dating, sex and relationships. You'll never have an opportunity like this again so it's NOW that you want to build and perfect these skills. If you don't, you'll kick yourself later on, trust me. None of this is rocket science, but it *IS* science - and something you can learn to be good at; and more important: to get what you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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