Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/3/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dennis! I am emailing you because I have a very big problem. I am a very attractive, smart 26 year old woman with a career as an entertainment industry assistant and a fulfilled, busy life. I have been single for seven months.  I am looking for that special someone and looking for a long term relationship but I can't seem to find that person because I can't seem to get second dates! The thing is, I get plenty of male attention and get asked out a ton on first dates whether it's from online dating sites or just simply meeting men out and about in person.I get hit on all the time. I have probably been on 20 something dates in the last seven months and only four asked me out again (and only 2 out of those 4 was truly interested, the rest just wanted to sleep with me).

I am told repeatedly that I am a girl that most guys would line up for so I don't know what the problem is. In fact, they DO line up, as I get asked out so much. I just don't get asked out again. If it were just a few dates I would just write it off as no chemistry, etc but I have been getting rejected so many times that I know it is something I am doing on the date to make them not call back for a second and I am trying to get to the bottom of WHAT it is. I am cheerful,interested in the other person, ask questions about their life (I keep it light, nothing heavy). The one thing I don't do is pull out my wallet ever when the bill comes--I'm thinking this could be the problem that I don't at least offer to pay. I dont ever talk about marriage, or wanting a serious relationship so I don't know what could be wrong. Please Help!! Thanks

Abigail

ANSWER: Hello Abigail!

No. Not helping to pay the bill isn't the problem at all. Here's the reality: it's his job to take care of at least the first (and often second and third) dates. Most guys realize this. Thus, that's not the problem here.

Obviously, without actually being on a date with you, it's hard to say what's going on. There are a number of common things that women do however and it's likely that you're making at least one or two of these mistakes:

* Not engaging him and expecting him to do all the "heavy lifting"
* Being too serious and not fun
* Talking only about yourself or only things you're interested in
* Talking about/trashing past boyfriends
* Acting too aloof or uninterested
* Not trying to find some common ground...
* ...and suggesting new things for both of you to do on the next date
* Shaking his hand rather than kissing him
* Being otherwise distant or distracted
* Taking calls or texts while you're on a date
* Over-doing (or under-doing) the makeup or perfume (especially when on a dinner date - nobody can eat with all that smell going on!)
* Not being aware of your body language and thus, sending entirely the wrong signals
* Choosing the wrong guys
* Talking about how often you date or how many guy-friends you have
* Not creating some sexual tension/interest
* Discussing your "kids" (like the 21 cats you have!)
* Talking about problems with your work, family, friends, etc.
* Talking about (or being fanatic about) anything like politics, religion, etc.
* Not expressing interest in seeing him again
* Not ending the date by setting up the next one
* Laying out expectations of any kind
* Dating "out of your league"
* Using the internet to meet guys (far, far too much competition, far too artificial and other problems to make this a viable dating method!)

Abigail, again, without seeing you "in action" it's hard to say what's going on here. However, keep in mind that you have as much control over a second date as your date does! For instance, if you happen to learn that he's interested in something like a particular type of music or art or enjoys certain activities, there's no reason you can't call him up and say, "I know you like monster trucks [or whatever] and there's a show going on next weekend...."

Likewise, planning something simple like just getting coffee or taking a walk or going out for a picnic, etc., are all good ways to reconnect and show your interest.

Further, if you make any of the other huge mistakes (what I call "Dumb Girl Games") like not picking up the phone when he calls or not returning voice mails, texts or emails promptly or being evasive, etc., this can lead to guys moving on as well.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks! This definitely helps. The one follow-up question I do have is why is internet dating a bad thing? It seems like the guys I meet in bars aren't so great. I live in LA, as I see that's where you're based. It seems like the internet is a good option in terms of meeting guys who want a serious relationship. Why do you think it doesn't work? Thanks again!

ANSWER: Hello again Abigail!

Yes, I'm in LA as well. As you're finding out, this is the toughest dating market there is in the world. The reality is that you can't swing a cat around here without hitting a beautiful girl! I'm also in the entertainment business (on the other side of the line - talent) and there are even MORE pretty girls in that industry!

Something I have to explain to girls all the time is that; if you're an "8" or a "9" in the mid-west, you're about a "5" or "6" here. Many girls don't have the right perspective in all of this because guys constantly (and wrongly!) tell them they're "hot"; not because they really are relative to their competition, but because they are hot right then, right there or the guy simply wants to get into their panties and doesn't have any other game to do it.

By the way, there ARE great guys in clubs and bars. I know because I talk to them constantly and often take groups of guys out on "hunting seminars" where I show them how to work these places. The problem is that MOST of the guys there aren't great. You've been picking the wrong ones (obviously!)

Regarding using the internet to meet guys, there are tons and tons of problems here that I constantly see. Here's some of the most common:

* Since things started off "artificially" that's how they continue. I've seen people do things to others that they met on the internet that they would NEVER do in person.

* You have tons and tons of competition! You claim to be very attractive (and obviously, I don't know if that's true or not) but the next beauty is just a single click away. What makes you stand out?

* It's next to impossible to differentiate the great guys from the not-so-great ones. Just because someone can write a message well doesn't mean they're a great catch.

* Women often use the internet to date outside their reasonable dating pool. If you're going for the top 5% of the guys on a site (which 95% of all women do!) then what puts YOU up there with them? What makes you someone that person would choose? You need to be able to answer that honestly and succinctly.

* Once you begin exchanging messages via these sites, you begin to form ideas and opinions of what and who the other person is. After the very first message, this starts. Then, when you finally meet in person (after maybe weeks or months and possibly 10's of messages) the other person has formed an opinion of you not based on who you really are, but on your well-crafted messages and photographs! It's impossible to live up to all of that. Thus, you almost always disappoint the person you're meeting for the first time.

* Even if you do get past the first date, you have internal barriers that you put up to try to keep the guy somewhat away from you. The internet causes guy's "window of opportunity" to close much more quickly than it would in real life. Thus, you have to be MORE open to moving things quickly if you want any chance at all.

Abigail, there are many other reasons why and you can check out my video site for more on this if you'd like. Go to http://BeingAMan.tv and click on Video and then Self Help and watch the videos on Internet and LDR's.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: It's funny that you mention the midwest i lived in Chicago for 5 years before moving to LA and I actually think the dating scene is more difficult there than out here (not to say LA is easy by any means) because people are very set in their ways in the midwest--men have a very specific "ideal woman" that they are looking for. That being said, obviously, there is a ton of competition here. I get called beautiful or hot all the time, but it could be that I am more approachable than those so called perfect 10s but then again, I grew up on the east coast and got called beautiful all the time there as well. I am a petite brunette, very in shape, which in a way makes me stand out from all the blonde hair and plastic surgery.

Anyway I guess my last question would be, since you know the LA dating scene, where would be the best place to meet guys out here, if not on the internet or in bars and clubs? Despite all the gorgeous women out here, I see plenty of women (who are not classically attractive) settled down with good guys and married with big rocks on their fingers so obviously there is hope to finding a good guy in LA, pretty or not pretty. This is actually helping a lot! Thanks again:)

A

Answer
Hey Abigail!

Well, I'll agree with you on this point: dating in the mid-west and other parts of the country - and world - is certainly different than it is here in LA.

Trust me, there are incredible guys all over the place here in LA. What most women do however is go for the posers, then are disappointed with what they get and think all guys must be that way.

I actually get this question every day, but usually from guys, not girls. That's because it's far more straight-forward for guys than girls: we have to approach you and we know it. Girls rarely approach guys they are interested in and that's where it gets a little sticky for your girls.

Frankly, women have far better tools - and luck - in approaching guys! You have things even us guys don't have; if only you'll use them. Instead however, most women sit back and wait for guys to approach - and then only can select from what is presented to them - rather than going out and getting what they really wanted in the first place. You've been told that this scares guys off when in fact, this is rarely the case.

I wish guys knew better how to approach women - and how easy and fun it is! I just did that last night for instance. I was in a bar to meet friends and walked in, found the prettiest, most interesting girl in the place and just walked right up to her. She spent the rest of the evening with me and of course I got her digits - all while her boyfriend just sat there!

As to where to meet great guys, the answer is: everywhere! You see, because you're expecting guys to find you, you're wondering where it is that they'll be looking. Obviously, bars and clubs, but the problem is that it's not the types of guys you're looking for and thus, this isn't a very good choice.

On the other hand, if you had your own game in your back pocket; ready to pull out anywhere you are when you see someone you'd like to get to know better, you'd have a very different set to choose from, wouldn't you?

I have met girls in bookstores, coffee shops, auto-repair garages, while stuck in traffic, at shows, in elevators and even just walking down the street - literally! The problem is that most guys don't have this game. Thus, you're going to have to help them. You need to keep your goals in mind and focus on everyone that you see when you're just out doing your thing.

Be careful about how you dress - even if you're just running to the store. Get your eyes up off the ground and look around. Make eye contact and smile (practice in a mirror regularly if you need to) and learn to say "hi!" Don't be afraid to ask a gentleman for help in a store or elsewhere. Be engaging and fun.

Get some new hobbies! You'd be surprised at how many fun things there are to do out there. Want to learn to scuba dive? Want to learn to rollerblade or take bike tours throughout LA? Want to study art or wine or theater or music? Want to learn to write or ride motorcycles?

Each of these things have some important commonalities: first, they are all fun, exciting things to do. Second, there are classes and organizations revolving around each one of them. Third, there are great guys ALSO involved in those areas that you could get to know at the same time as enjoying the hobby!

The point here is that if you want to be successful in the dating/relationship market, you can't be shy or wait around for things to happen for you. You have to MAKE them happen. Be bold! Take a small risk and reach out! You'll be surprised at what you get in the process. Even more important: who you'll become in the process; and with whom you'll become her!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"