Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/13/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr Neder,
I have this issue of how to focus and deal with rejections.
I go to a gym regularly say twice a week, and I'm always doing some group fitness classes.  This is great as there are always many hot girls in the same class.  I use the time before and after the class to say hello or strike up conversation with some girls, and even the female instructor.   After a couple of months, there are one girl(Jane) and the instructor(Melissa) they both have sort of friendly, active response.  I can feel Jane is more likely be interested as there's one time she intentionally wait for a while after the class until I come up to her say hello and asked her name, etc.  Melissa seem to be more communicative as she's the instructor. but I have asked her to give me her facebook she said she doesn't have one, and not allowed to give it to client etc.(B.S. anyway)

Anyway, I might say they're all options, my question is
1. Which one to bet on ?
2. How do I eventually say my interests and ask her out?
3. If she said no and reject, my thoughts is to avoid embarrassment, as we'll still see each other weekly. If I
ask her to take it easy and keep as "friends",  is that be a good idea? or do you have any better suggestions?
4. If she reject and happy to be "friends", I'd still keep trying the rest girls(what else can we do as man?),  those girls see what I do every week, I don't want to be appear like a stalker or creepy that only to pick up,chase up girls in the gym, so how do I handle the possible negative image/reputation?

I'd appreciate your insight!

Sincerely Richard



ANSWER: Hello Richard!

My question is why in the hell are you going for a facebook friend rather than getting real, hard phone numbers? Richard - you have to get digits anyway. Why give yourself TWO chances at getting a "no"????

1. Bet on Jane. Melissa already told you "no" (mostly because you didn't ask her correctly!) If she were interested, she'd have given you some other way to contact her - like digits.

2. You don't "say your interests" to her. You don't confess a thing! Guy make this mistake all the time and it always backfires. They hope that by telling a girl how they feel that the girl will then do most of their work for them and they will take little or no risk. In fact, it ALWAYS backfires and destroys the target in the process.

Instead, you say, "You know, it's fun working out with you! I want to get to know you a little better, and if you're good (sarcastically) I may invite you to another class with me - but we'll have to see. Here, write down your phone number and I'll call you for a drink sometime."

Richard - this is hugely simplified and there are many considerations when "closing" for digits, impromptu dates or sex, but if you want to know more, consult my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II".

3. If you ask the right way (like above) you won't get a "no". However, you DO NOT want any of these girls as "friends". First of all, women don't make good friends for guys. Second of all, go for what you want - don't accept less than that. It's weak and it looks weak. Third, stop being so wishy-washy about things! You're giving these girls a chance to meet a great guy - if only you knew that!

4. See above.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Dr Neder!
Let me change my question a bit and have more discussion.

1.Get her number and Invite her out. Of course I won't say my interests directly. Because asking her number and suggest catch up already says my interests.  Let's say I don't use the "ask out" anymore, as I understand your saying "don't ask her out,otherwise she has chance to reject". Even so I just say something "I'd like to know your more, give me your number and we catch up later for a drink", girls will still panic and say no.  Nowadays girls just seem be so hard to understand. Even they're interested, flattered by the fact I'm up to approach and invite, they still have millions of excuses to say No, like "Sorry, I don't give my number to other people", "Hm.. Not now, let's do it next time",  "Hmm.. not sure, I never gave out my number to others...", "...", I have asked dozens of girls for numbers in last half year, that's why I know all sorts of rejections.  My question is are all these "NO" seriously saying they are not interested  OR just they don't know how to handle and give out their number to a guy who can be a potential date?
Women complain men don't know how to approach and date them, but when the real chance come, how many women are experienced, brilliant enough to handle as well?
I think it's due to many girls have the so called "anti-slut", "anti-stranger"  social conditions, they just don't feel right to give out number, accept invites etc. even they're interested.


2."Friends", this is a trick. Yes, it looks like I made the mistake to suggest "friend" first to Melissa, which doesn't work well.  My question is after I ask for number and invite for catch up, they'd still have millions of reasons, excuses to say "NO" (see above),  then is it a good idea to suggest just be "friend"?  As this give a chance to reduce her panic level, provide a buffer and second chance. As I meet these girls every week, they'd think why don't you just talk and know each other during the class session or whatever.  Just directly ask their number and invite for catch up will seem too bold for most girls even they secretly know it's manly, masculine whatever, they're just not used to it.
In fact, many of the relationship I know, they started as knowing each other as "friends" for a while. So it all depends.
What'll be your thoughts?

Once again thanks for your insight.

Sincerely Richard.


Answer
Hello again Richard!

1. Women are NOT hard to understand. You simply don't know how they think or work and worse, you're trying to make them think, talk and act just like you do. They don't do that. They won't say "no" to you if you go after what you want in the right way. It's because you ASSUME they'll say no that you get it. You actually help them (possibly even subconsciously) to turn you down!

You get played because you're ABLE to get played. Women don't really want to do this to you, but you don't know enough to prevent it from happening. I'm also in the dating world and I *never* get turned down.  What's the difference between you and me? Simple: education. That's it. I have it and you lack it. That explains 100% of the difference in your experience to mine.

Here are just a few of the skills you lack:

* Knowing which women to approach
* Knowing WHEN to approach
* The right way to approach
* The right way to build rapport and connection
* How to create interest in girls...
* ...and then help it to naturally lead to attraction
* How to close for whatever you want - digits, dates, sex, etc.
* How to set up a date - and make sure she shows
* ...and even is enthusiastic and excited for it
* How to turn her attraction into love
* ...But even before that, to let her know she COULD love you.

Richard, this is actually a short list of many skills you don't know. I can't possibly train you in all of these right here, but then I don't have to. That's what my books do.

I just finished answering this exact same letter from another guy that was in exactly the same boat as you are now. He read the books and not only fixed all of this, he's now having the same success I do. What does that tell you? What it tells me is what I've already said: this is about education only. Nothing else.

2. They have millions of reasons because you're not properly building rapport and connection. Think about this: if you were Brad Pitt asking Melissa out, do you really think she'd have all these excuses? Of course not! She'd be falling all over herself to shove her number into your hands!

This is for one simple reason: he already comes with value built in. What you don't understand is this: you don't have to come pre-valued at all. You can BUILD that value within minutes. You don't do that and you close at the wrong times, thus, you get rejection.

Because you've been rejected before, you do other dumb things like going for friendship "just in case" thinking that she'll somehow see what a great guy you are and will then do all your work for you - and you won't take any risks. What really happens is that you simply remove yourself from her dating pool - permanently.

My thoughts? Why settle for only what drops in your lap? That's just lazy. Instead, get educated and start getting what you really want instead.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"