Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/9/2010

Question
Dr Dennis,
What i have to say, could take a while, but i'll shorten the
story as much as possible while still taking certain details
into account.  We will call her M...

I dated a girl whom I love w/ all my heart.  She lives 1500
miles away at the moment. This love may be tied to a tragedy
i incurred during our time together, but regardless, is
truly heartfelt.  I was run down by a drunk driver while
riding my motorcycle. It has been many years of physical,
emotional, psychological and spiritual healing for me.
During this time, she decided to end the relationship...I
guess the distance didn't help, but neither did my attitude,
resentment and pain during this time. You can imagine how
hard it may have been for both of us, especially trying to
maintain a long distance relationship.  Through time and
self work, the emotional loss of her leaving me, embodied w/
a "road less traveled" for many of us...(overall healing), I
have been able to build back my confidence, charisma, charm
and have spent time really trying to become aware and
conscious of my life, the things i manifest and desire from
life.  I have since been w/ a few girls as well as try to
build relationships w/ 2 of them, which were destined for
failure(?).  Nothing against the girls, but i noticed a
pattern from myself, of not allowing myself to "feel" the
way i did w/ M.
After about 3.5 years of no communication, M calls me, and
we begin talking again. Shortly thereafter, she came to my
state to see her sister, and invited me to a fundraising
function. We ended up spending the weekend together at her
sisters house. What was supposed to be an overnight
fundraiser, turned into a weekend of "just being together".
There were no sexual moments, but certainly a few intimate
and exciting moments between us. We talked about the past,
what had happened, where we'd been and whom we've dated over
the past few years.  We had an incredible time together that
weekend. She knows my heart started dancing for her
again...she heard me express that...
After the weekend was over, i took her to the airport. I
tried to explain to her that after all that has happened to
me, that I always still wondered what would have happened w/
us had the relationship worked.  Although, i know at the
time the relationship had to end (hindsight), as it drove me
to explore avenues of self realization and consciousness
that i probably wouldn't have gone through otherwise.
She expressed the fact that she loved me, and if we lived in
the same state, we could date, to see where it went.  During
the next week, with M 1500 miles away, we managed to talk on
the phone more than i ever have w/ anyone.  Much of our
conversations were flirtatious teasing as well as deep
conversation regarding what we want out of life, kids, home,
goals etc etc.  We even booked plans for me to go visit her,
which she cancelled because i was willing to cancel a
previous trip i had committed to.  The feelings were all
there, from both sides. I can honestly say that i was amazed
when i saw how many minutes we spent on the phone together
that month.(thank goodness for free mobile to mobile). 2441
minutes on the phone w/ M during that month.  WOW!
Needless to say, our conversations became less frequent, w/
more time during conversation periods and return phone
calls.  Most of this was on her end.  I guess her logic got
to her..."distance" etc etc.  I know she felt lonely during
that time, as she had explained a few things that she'd been
going through lately.  I know i felt lonely, as well as
incredible aliveness whenever i spoke to her, or even
thought about her.  My energy level skyrockets around her...  
I know that over time, these feelings we experienced over
the fundraising weekend died down a bit.  I feel that they
did for her.  For me, on the other hand, I felt a drastic
drop in my energy, like i missed her, and saw  a
"separation" coming.  Yes, i became emotional but never
really observed it in the moment.  Still, i did my best to
play it cool when we did talk, and wrote her a letter
affirming that due to the distance, we could only be friends
and that I truly hoped that the universe would bring us
together again in the future (I told her i loved her).  I
guess i didn't say anything she hadn't already known, or
said to me. Now, i feel like i've given away all my power as
a man, in the "game" of dating.  I think about her a lot
more than i probably should.  I dream about her, and
sometimes i wake up w/ her being the first thing on my mind
and in my heart.
What can i do, Doc? Is there a way for me to keep
possibilities open w/ her?  Is there a way to "win" back her
feelings?  I can tell that recent phone conversations (i now
have to call her, leave a msg and get a call back
eventually)are less about feelings and more about "facts" as
far as how's the day, the dogs, etc etc.  I want to be able
to win her back, as i've never met anyone like her. I want
to be able to spend time w/ her and regain her interest
level. How is it that one month we're talking so much, and
sharing so many truths about each other, then the next thing
i know, she's not calling, or waiting for me to call...?  
What can i say to her, do for her or how can i be w/ her on
the phone?  I had plans to simply ask her out on a date, and
assure her to not worry about the logistics of me having to
fly 1500 miles and finding a place to stay. While we were
talking daily, as i mentioned before, and planned the
initial trip, she was excited to have me there, stay with
her and just have fun hanging out. Whether that's the case
or not now, what can i do to be true to us both? Is it a
good idea to put myself out there again, and just ask her if
i can spend the weekend w/ her (own accomodations etc). The
last thing i want to do, in case i hadn't already done it is
make her feel uncomfortable and not have open communications
anymore.  The love of my life is so close, yet so far
away...I'm not sure what to do. Some say i should leave it,
and let the universe work its wonders.  Others say i should
be a man, and go after what i want.  I'm torn, heartbroken,
happy and appreciative that i even got to have her in my
life for a little while again, but don't want to let her go.
Can you help me? I'm 35 years old. Marriage isn't the first
thing on my mind, but something i'd like to enjoy in life.  
Unfortunately, out of all the girls i've ever been with,
even though we've spent so much time apart, and things seem
to currently be withering away, she's the only girl i've
even considered marrying so far.  Sad to say, but the
downright truth...Please advise me, i'm lost on what to do
or not do.  Thanks for all your help.  

Answer
Hello Andrew!

I'm going to waste my time and put it to you straight and you're going to completely ignore me. I'm clairvoyant like that.

You have nothing of value with this girl. All you have is your own fantasy. She realizes this - you don't.

It's absolutely easy (and common!) to fall in love at a distance! I see people doing it all the time and while it FEELS real it is anything but. She's the perfect girl for you ONLY BECAUSE you don't get to know who she REALLY is. Spending thousands of hours on the phone won't ever tell you this. She's only on her best-behavior and you on yours.

You never get to see her in her real element - and a weekend here or there won't ever give that to you either. You need to observe her closely over months (maybe years) of time to even know anything real about her - and if even if you could ever really love her.

Andrew, you no doubt have heard you can make yourself sick by thinking about it, right? Likewise, you can make yourself love too. In fact, it's damn easy to do - people (like you) do it every single day. That's exactly what you've done here as well. Of course, you're not going to believe me, but it's true.

The reality is this: NO GIRL can ever live up to the fantasy world that you've created here! No wonder you can't find a girl there that you could have a REAL relationship with! How could you? As long as you continue to believe in this fantasy, there's absolutely nothing I can do to help you.

Worse yet, SHE realizes this - and wants something real in her life. You can't possibly give that to her being 1500 miles away! She wants someone in her life that can share those moments when things happened - in person and not filtered by electronics. When things are up or down, she wants someone's arms around her, not an email or text or IM or even phone call.

Of course, you're going to ignore all of this reality for your own fantasy. Unfortunately, until you get healed over all of this it's going to persist - possibly for years and years to come. Eventually of course, you'll realize I was right, and only then will you also realize how much energy, emotion and time you wasted chasing the fantasy when the reality that you COULD have had (like the real, incredible girls right there in your own backyard) finally slaps you in the face.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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