Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/15/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dr. Neder,

First, a little background... I met a girl about a month ago and the night we met we stayed up for several hours just talking and getting to know each other, and proceeded to initiate touching, got her number, kissed for a while before parting ways. Texted the next day and then spent hours on the phone the next couple of nights. We made a date for the following Friday and had a great time... dinner, drinks, holding hands, kissing, etc. while we were out in public... she spent the night... yada yada yada. The next day we both had to get up early, so she went her way and I went mine. We texted during the day (Saturday) several times, she thanked me for a great date, etc. Well, she fell off the face of the earth for about 2 weeks, no texts, phone calls, etc. I attempted to reach her via text and phone for 3-4 days with no response. Two weeks after our last correspondence, she texted me apologizing for not contacting me, said I did nothing wrong, she had a crisis and didn't really talk to anyone during that time... said she'd call the next day. So, she called the next day (Sunday) and told me what happened. Aside from some family issues, she said her ex from 4 months ago called her and essentially caused her to "shut down" because she thought she had rid herself of this guy and now he called her and berated her, causing her to react this way. She said she took the 2 weeks to deal with this, which made her realize that she needs to focus on prepping and studying for a test to get into grad school, which would lead to a her dream profession. Having said that, she said she realized that she doesn't think that right now is the right time to be dating because it would derail her from achieving her goals. However, she loves talking to me and still wants to hang out. My response was probably too sensitive as I told her that I believed she shouldn't let anything get in her way of her goals, I understand what she's saying, etc.

So now what do I do? I get the sense that if Mr. Ex hadn't called, she probably wouldn't be saying she doesn't want to date. I am inclined to not call or text until she does first, as I haven't initiated contact nor heard from her the last couple days. Is this the way to go or is there a different approach I should take? Do I put it on her to "hang" out or press her to date, as I don't think the friend zone is the place for me!?

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond!

ANSWER: Hello Paul!

Don't blame the ex. Even if the call DID happen, he had absolutely nothing to do with it. Obviously, I can't read this girl's mind, but this is nothing more than a game, pure and simple.

Things obviously moved very quickly for her and she got scared. She reacted (actually, overreacted) to that fear by shutting down. That's a big red flag in my book and it should be in yours too. It tells me that she isn't in control of her own faculties and you need to be careful with this girl. If you're seriously thinking that this could be a long-term thing, I'd strongly advise against it.

With that said, she's just testing you to see if you know what you're doing or not. In effect, you've told her you don't.

Consider this: this isn't all about her - you have rights here too! She wanted to see if you'd let her shut things down and control everything; which you did.

This fear thing is a huge factor for women. Women want to fall in love and put that first before anything else. The problem is that in order to fall in love with someone they have to first feel safe and secure. She began going out of control (losing that safe feeling) and went underground. You sat there waiting for her to resurface which told her that you weren't going to be there when she does implode.

Worse yet, when she finally talked to you, instead of expressing the fact that you know you have rights (which you didn't know until now) you let her further set the ground rules. This leaves her without any security from you.

No, you don't want to hang out with her, but you still have a chance of turning this around. You don't have to call your time with her anything in particular (like a "date") but you need to ACT like it.

Call her up and set up a time to spend time together and have some fun. Don't go to a movie or concert as you need to have face time but definitely get together. When you do, go right back to where you left off. Touch her, kiss her - everything. Treat this just like a date and don't worry about what she says or thinks about it.

If she brings up anything about her schedule or being friends or anything like that brush it off and treat it like a non-issue. If she presses it just tell her that you're not interested in being her friend as you already have plenty of friends. You deserve better than that and she should know it.

Paul, the bottom line is that the tests aren't over yet. You failed the first one(s) and your next moves are critical. You really can't afford to fail any more if you want another chance with this girl. Thus, you have to be very careful to do everything right from this point on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the response and advice! Eerily, about 5 minutes after I sent you the initial email, she texted me... told me she was out drinking, we texted back and forth a bit (more her than me) ... said good night.

I get the sense that you are advising I "man" up, show her who's boss, and let her decide what she wants based on that?

Thanks again!

Answer
Hello again Paul!

Yes, manning-up is exactly what I'm suggesting you do, but you have to be smart about it. You could have gone out and met her for instance.

As to "letting her decide", no that's not what I'm talking about. This girl is doing everything she can to get you to take the reins and move things somewhere. Don't worry about what she wants. If it becomes a problem for her, she'll let you know, but you don't even have to react to that either!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"