Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/17/2010

Question
Hi Dennis!
I really want to tell you this directly, in less than a hundred words, but this
isnt really possible in my story. So i hope you could bear with me.
I know what this may seem to some, but i'm not an @ss. I'm not looking
for sex. I don't even think about it, even though i've long stopped growing,
and I finished puberty. I respect women and i would never want to cheat
on my partner if i would have one.
I am just one of those guys who is always grateful to everything he has. I
love my friends who are always there for me and i love the other little
simple inexpensive things. 
But i also want the best and to be the best. I strive to get straight A's in all
my exams, paint better than my mentors, and hopefully the best scientist
in the world (my dream job),etc.
Fortunately, i have achieved most of my many ambitions. I'm 16, i live in
England. However, one thing has stayed in my memory for three years. In
an area i cant just go back on again if i mess up. In an area i can't just
revise. This area (women/girls) have always been a mystery to me.
Though i never really try to start a relationship with any girl, i'm just happy
with them being friends with me, because they make wonderful friends.

It started when i was 13 (3 years ago). I really liked this girl called
charlotte. Not just because she was beautiful on the outside, but she was
sweet, understanding and caring. It was amazing to be with her. All my
friends knew i liked her, and her friends (what seemed like it) knew it too.
She liked me too. We always talked to each other, danced with each other
at the school dances (she went to the girls school near mine) and i knew
we had chemistry.
 Although, a few days after i started talking with her, she was teased
behind her back by some people in my school who called her 'chinky
charlotte' (she was half chinese) I told them to stop at first, but it esculated
until the entire school were calling her that. She (of course) eventually
knew about this and was really upset about it. 
Things then went from bad, to a LOT worse. At that time i had a large
amount of friends. I was stupid, as i assumed quantity was better than
quality. I had a huge argument with a lot of my (then) friends. They started
to hate me and only the minority (until this day, my true friends) stood by
me. Unfortunately, the leader of those guys (Dan) who fell out with me
realised where i was weakest. He told charlotte that it was I who created
the name 'chinky charlotte' and it was I who started the name calling! He
even had one or two of his friends who sided with him to confirm this.
She, thinking that they were still my friends and they were just being
helpful, stopped talking with me. Including her friends. I tried the best i
could to explain, but i couldn't. Although i only knew her for a month or so,
she was the first and only girl i have ever loved and the days after were
the worst of my life. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cant write how close we were
for that month and how i would kiss her gently on the cheek after every
dance.  The next year, everyone in both the schools moved on to
secondary school, and i never saw her (or dan and his friends) again.

3 years later, or 4 months ago, i was going through Dan's facebook
profile. I really don't care about other peoples activities (apart from my
friends-which i have a phone) but after 3years of thinking of her, she was
right there, on the internet. and so i found the infamous girl whom he
befriended. Charlotte. She seemed to have the time of her life. Her dad
was filthy rich, meaning she would travel to some exotic country every
month, is friends with all these 'celebrities' like the jonas brothers
(whoever they are) and generally wouldn't be the person to care that an
average boy (my parents aren't poor, but are hardly rich) like me likes her
even though she used to be really modest. She never had seemed to had
a boyfriend. 
I talked to her friend. She told me that she couldn't even remember me
and i became friends with her. I told her about who i was, and she said
she still couldn't remember me, and she promised me that she would keep
our conversations secret. I eventually found the courage to add charlotte
as a friend and e-mail her though facebook and told her in a last attempt
of what happened. I waited for 4 months for her reply, but no reply arrived,
even though she seemed to be quite active on her public conversations
with her friends. I then couldn't stand it anymore and deleted her as a
friend.

I know it's near impossible to make her my girlfriend, but i love a
challenge, and this is one huge challenge! I know that one day my
ambition would mean i'll become rich/powerful. I would work all day to
achieve my exam results that would enable me to become successful.
Which will only be half the battle in winning her. I've begun to talk to girls
a lot more. To understand them and know their nature, so charlotte would
be blinded by my transformation from a skinny, shy, unconfident 13year
old to a muscular confident, successful adult. She would never know it's
me, if i approach her when i'm ready. I already run and swim a lot more,
meaning i've now got a good 6pack and broad shoulders. I know you
could say that there are plenty of girls out there to make me happy, but i
want to live life with no regrets and nothing left unfinished. 

I hope you could help, and guide me where to go now.

Thanks,

Ryan


Wow, that is quite wordy indeed...

Answer
Hello Ryan!

Here's the problem: it's not Charlotte you're in love with. It's some ghost you've created in your mind that doesn't even exist. You've spent the last 3 years building this girl up into something she absolutely is not. Further, you have all these complete misunderstandings of girls - how they think, how they act, etc. - and are basing everything on all of that.

Seriously Ryan, how in the hell can I help you? You've already made up your mind entirely - and filled it with nothing but half- and untruths!

Need an example? How about this one: you actually think this friend of Charlotte's hasn't told her every single thing you've said "in confidence"? Ryan, that isn't just some mistaken belief, it's down-right ignorant! OF COURSE she's told Charlotte every single thing you've discussed with her! She doesn't have any responsibilities to you whatsoever. She has every responsibility to her friend - and you aren't her friend. I don't care what Facebook says!

So, here we sit. You've tied my (and your own) hands and somehow want me to wriggle free to fix all these incredible problems you've created for yourself.

I can't possibly do that.

You've already tried to contact Charlotte (again, NOT the "sweet, innocent girl" you've made her out to be!) and she's ignored you. How "sweet" is that? In fact, that makes her a total bitch in my book!

Oh yeah, but then, there's that ghost you've created.

You're even convinced you "know" girls because you have them as friends!

Your entire belief system is wrong and in that, you've left absolutely nothing to work with.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
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Remington Publications
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