Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/16/2011

Question
Hello,
I have a problem with my appearance. I’m not very good looking at all. I have acne and I’m kind of chubby and also I’m just not naturally attractive. I’ve been told so many times by people, I’m not just assuming so myself. To top that all off I’m also short at around 5’3”.
The worst part about it is that it really ruins my confidence.  I try not to care that I’m unattractive but I really can’t. Every time I see an attractive girl on TV, or wherever, I get really upset because I remember that I’ll never be able to get a girl like that. It’s really depressing for me.
I know that people say looks don’t matter, but I honestly don’t think that’s true. I think they just say that. I’ve seen many surveys on the internet about if women would date short guys and only about half of them said they would date a 5’3” guy. Let alone adding my appearance to the equation. That would really narrow it down.
But even if looks didn’t matter, and there actually was a girl out there who could look past my looks… My personality sucks too, my social skills are dead and I have very little confidence. I just don’t feel anyone would be interested in my personality. But it doesn’t matter anyway because my poor social skills prevent any interaction with a girl. I’m usually extremely quite too, so I don’t even get the chance.  
What can I do to stop feeling this way about my looks? And is there a way I can fix my personality? I really fear being alone forever; I honestly can’t imagine a girl wanting to be with me.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and help me out, it means a lot. Take care.  

(I am an 18 year old male)

Answer
Hello Jason!

Let's be absolutely clear here: your confidence issue is the problem, not your looks. It's your lack of confidence that not only keeps you from clearing your skin to your being overweight to not fixing your social awkwardness - not the other way around.

It's easy to find excuses for not doing what you have to do and even easier to find justification for doing it! The reality however is this: your looks really don't matter. Your confidence absolutely does.

When you read "studies" that claim women are concerned with looks you are totally missing the point. These reports ask the wrong questions.

They usually ask something like "Are looks important in choosing someone to date or be in a relationship with?" Now, that seems like a reasonable question on the surface, but in fact, it's leading toward a specific answer. The REAL question to ask is: "How important are looks in choosing someone to date or be in a relationship with?"

There have been quite a few valid studies that continue to show that looks are far less important than other things. In fact, according to these and even my own research, here are the most important things to women in order of importance.

1. Power
2. Confidence
3. Sense of humor
4. Genuiness
5. Masculinity
6. Communication skills
7. Style/fashion sense
8. Looks
9. Money
10. Physique

Look at that list again and let the facts sink in: your looks are #8 on the list. There are 7 more important things that you're totally ignoring!

Guys make this mistake all the time. Since looks are very high on OUR lists, we just assume the rest of the world thinks exactly like we do. Women look, smell, speak, walk, act and especially THINK, differently than us guys do. You need to change your focus and start putting emphasis on the things that are most important.

Yes, you should lose weight. Yes, you should get your skin cleared. Yes, you should make different choices in the clothes you choose, but there are still other things you need to focus your attention on rather than your looks. As soon as you do, your confidence is going to change right along with your looks.

As well, you need to start working on your education about women too. You don't lack confidence because you don't like your looks. You lack confidence because you lack education.

Consider this: let's say that you knew exactly what to say to women you meet in order to create interest and build attraction. Do you really think you'd lack confidence then? Of course not! In fact, you'd be seeking out new opportunities to connect with women. It'd only be a matter of time before you'd actually find women that really clicked with you and your personality.

Jason, I strongly urge you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and start getting this education under your belt. As I've already said, you're focusing on the wrong things. You need to change that up and get the education you currently lack in order to turn your attitude - and life - around into something you want it to be.

Or, you can continue to make excuses for the NEXT 18 years and be alone. Your choice.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
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Remington Publications
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