Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/1/2011

Question
QUESTION: I hope you can help because everyone else is either "maxed out" or "on vacation" The background information is quite long, but the question at the end is very short and simple. It's just hard to answer the question without the background information. I truly hope you can help.

I met a girl in class and have been hanging out with her since September. I first asked her out as friends, but very quickly fell for her. I am usually very judgmental and very picky with women, which is why I haven't dated in 2-3 years, but this girl is exactly what I've been looking for. I'm sure she has flaws, and that's usually the first thing I notice before dismissing the idea of being with someone, but I find this girl to be perfect in every way.

I am a very forward person and say exactly what I'm thinking. After a couple weeks of taking her out and hanging out I asked her to come over and cuddle with me. Obviously too early for something like that, but I explained to her that I had no intentions of getting in her pants and just wanted to cuddle (which is true)

Obviously, she not only denied my request, but began avoiding me. I decided that it was probably because she thought I was trying to get in her pants, so I texted her saying I was a virgin. A couple days later she agreed to have dinner with me, told me she was a virgin, and I told her I wasn't, but that I'd only had sex with one person and cleared up that I wasn't the type of guy to use women as she thought I was.

We began normally hanging out after that, and even got her to cuddle with me 5 min at a time. Although she acted like she didn't want to, I attributed it mostly to her insecurities of her body. I later talked to her about and and got her to admit that she physically enjoyed cuddling with me, but did not want to do and gave no reason for it, although after that talk we still cuddled on a number of different occasions.

I then told her that I liked her and asked if there were mutual feelings, and her response was "I don't know how I feel, I'm not good at this stuff." She also acknowledged that she considered us going out to dinner as going on a date. I also asked her to stay the night a few times, clarifying that I did not want to have sex, I only wanted to sleep beside her. I'm sure it was too early after we meet for us to ask, but her response was "give it time"

Later, when pressing her on the issue of how she felt she said she never thought she would be interested in being in a relationship with me. I, being the arrogant son of a bitch that I am, didn't believe her. I refuse to believe that after cuddling with me, going on dates with me (even after she said she's not interested in being in a relationship), and telling me to "give it time" and "she doesn't know hoe she feels" that she can honestly say there will never be a  future with us.

Because I am so picky with women, and it's so hard for me to find a woman I'm interested in, I was persistent and did not want to let her go. I feel like, and have even been told in the past, that because of my forward manner and the fact that I say whatever comes to mind rather than waiting for the right time, that people feel the need to resist everything I want/say because they feel like I am manipulating them and have some end goal I am using them for. But I genuinely like this girl and have trouble holding back what I am thinking/feeling.

I recently told her I didn't think we would work out as friends and should stop talking (via text message.) She was upset with the idea and questioned my reasoning. I told her it was because it took every last bit of effort I had in me to get her to hang out with me, and I felt that she made no attempt to get to know me and only made assumptions about me. I thought it was weird that she was so upset because earlier when she had gone on a month vacation I would always text her and tell her I miss her, and she would say she doesn't miss me. (It should be noted that our relationship is one where we jokingly make fun of each other) but whether she actually missed me or not, she always made it seem like she didn't care much for me.

It's been a month since we've stopped talking and I can't stop thinking about her. Constantly checking her facebook page, going back and reading old texts we wrote each other.

I want to know, based on her actions, whether you think she may be interested in me, and the best course of action I should take.

Thank you soo much in advance,
Tony

ANSWER: Hello Tony!

So, you just wound up with me because nobody else better was available to answer your question? Wow, I feel so warm and fuzzy! You poor bastard. Well, let's do this thing...

Here's what I think: she WAS interested in you and you totally and completely killed that off by being a jackass.

No, I'm not talking about that ridiculous crap about being "picky" or that you blurt out any crazy thing you want to (including lies about your virginity) or that you can't read a girl's subtleties or that you don't even know what she really wants.

I'm talking about all the individual mistakes you made here. OF COURSE she not talking to you any more! She probably feels like she dodged some bullet or something. Frankly, I would too!

Now, you just sit there and torture yourself by going to her Facebook page and cyber-stalking her. You need to get out from under all of this. Do you have the discipline to just stop it all? Until you find it, you're going to continue to hurt like this and you're never going to get her out of your head.

Tony, you need to get healed from all of this. Then, you need to get these ridiculous beliefs you've gathered up fixed and start working on your education with and about women - what they REALLY want and need, who you need to be in their lives and worlds, etc. None of the examples you've given me fit and you're not going to find the woman of your dreams as long as you hold on to them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I've acted the same way towards her since the first day I met her. And we went on a date 2 days before I told her I didn't want to talk anymore. And she was upset when I said I didn't want to talk anymore. When in the story did I become a jackass and when did she start not liking me exactly?

ANSWER: Hello again Tony!

You became a "jackass" when you started lying to yourself and then turning those lies around to her. There are a ton of examples here and I'll bet you're not even telling me all of them.

I could just about go paragraph by paragraph and point out all of them to you. For instance:

* You "first asked her out as friends". Really? Did she pay her own way? Do you always pay for your male buddies when you go out?

* You're "judgmental" and "picky" with women which you think is why you haven't dated in 2-3 years.

* You find this girl "perfect in every way". Oh yeah? Well, she's not talking to you any more. How "perfect" is that??? Sounds the opposite to me.

* You think it's too early to "cuddle" after a few weeks? Frankly, it's way, way too late.

* You tell her you had no intentions of getting into her pants....but if things just somehow happened, well, that'd be different. She and I both know damn well what you wanted. You're the only one here who doesn't admit it!

* You even ask to spend the night with her and try to convince her it's something other than it really is.

* She began avoiding you not because you asked to her cuddle. That's completely ridiculous. She started avoiding you because you lied to her about your real intentions - just as you have with me.

* Then you tell her you could be "friends". Seriously Tony, nobody here *(except for you?) actually believes that. Worse yet, if that's all you think you're worthy of, why should she think any differently?

Tony, I could go on and on here, but I simply don't have the time. If you actually believe any of this crap you've simply fooled yourself and THAT is why you haven't had a date in 2-3 years. Not because you're "picky". You're only picky in trying to find girls you think would fall for all of this garbage.

It's time to enter the real world and get your head on straight. Get healed from all of this and start working on your education. You're causing your own problems here and frankly, that's tragic.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: 1) I usually do pay for my male friends, when going out for dinner or even when buying groceries. It's part of my culture and how I was raised.

2) I don't understand how being judgmental and picky made me a jackass in this situation, which resulted in her not liking me, because I was neither judgmental nor picky with her. (I believe the follow up question was at what point did I BECOME a jackass, which resulted in her not liking me)

3)She's not talking to me because I told her I didn't think she should talk, that upset her, and she contacted me last night (not that that's relevant to this discussion, just has nothing to do with my follow up question)

4)Asking a girl you are only friends with, have not made a move on, and have showed now signs of being anything more than friends is too early. Either way, are you making an argument as to how asking to late makes me a jack ass and made her stop liking me?

5)I've only had sex with one person, she was a girlfriend, I don't hook up. I've spent the night with girls and haven't made a move on them many times. Obviously, but saying this, I'm either lying or I'm not. If I'm trying to get advice, (which is the point of coming to this site) a) why would I lie to you, and b) even if I was, why would you assume I'm lying rather than humor me....or just ignore me altogether? (Is this when she stopped liking me? Because we still dated and hung out after this)

6)As I've mentioned many times, she didn't stop hanging out with me, I stopped hanging out with her. And again this is after the fact, but she was the first to contact me last night. Apparently she's been really busy with school, but just had three midterms yesterday and now has free time)

7)Not sure where in the story this is, and I'm too lazy to look because she at least wants to friends, making this point moot.

Conclusion: Sounds like the issue here is that you assume that I, like most guys (and even women) have no problem hooking up. While I don't find anything wrong with that, that's not my cup of tea. If I just wanted to have sex I wouldn't be working so hard, there are easier girls (I wouldn't be chasing a virgin, that's just way too much work).

You haven't really answered any of my questions, but it looks like you were bored and had some free time on your hands (as I do now) so I'm sure getting that off your chest will give you a fresh start to the day. Good luck in life.

Your friend,
Tony

PS. If you can tell me when I BECAME a jackass in THIS specific relationship and WHEN exactly she stopped liking me even though we've dated until the day I ended things, I'd still be interested even thought you're a complete and utter dumb fuck

Answer
Hey Tony!

No thanks Tony. You obviously already know everything and obviously did absolutely everything right. It's she and I that are wrong. You're just perfect the way you are. Don't change a thing. Hopefully the entire world will eventually change just for little old you and then everything will be great.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"