Expert: Lisa Tyler - 1/2/2011

Question
Well, I've "known" this girl for as long as I can remember. But I never really actually sat down with her and conversed with her. I'm way to shy. She goes to my church, (that's how I know her) and she also goes to a different school. I know her name, and I know her somewhat, and I can classify her as a friend. We aren't new to eachother. So, my question is, how can I get this girl to love me back? I'm too nervous to go up to her and have a conversation...I also don't know WHAT to say! I love this girl not only by her beauty, but also by her... own self. Please help!

Answer
Hi Trevor,

I think your question should be number 2 or 3 in a list of how to attract this girl as your potential mate.

Since you two haven't actually sat down and had a meeting of the minds yet, that needs to come first before you can endear yourself to her.  It's basically a simple method in theory, and you have nothing whatsoever to lose by trying.

You need to know that you ARE worthy of getting to know her better, and asking her opinion on things, and then asking if she'd be interested in dating you.

You are equals, and just because you're shy, that should not keep you from living the life you were put here on earth to enjoy.

Women respect men who treat them as equals, and look up to men who think well of themselves and have an idea of what they want out of life.  That doesn't mean you should be snotty or self absorbed, but don't back down as if you're less than a man.

You said you're too nervous to have a conversation with her, but you HAVE to get over that fear in order to have anything with her at all.  Examine why you're too nervous to talk with her.  Is it because you think that her beauty elevates her above your status?  That's totally untrue.

In fact, many times a mate's beauty only ensures strife and trouble in the relationship.

You have to look beyond her physical attractiveness and think only of what you hope to share with her, give to her, - how you could enrich her life.

When you are presenting yourself to her, be yourself, be honest, and be open about how much you like her.  When you are "selling" yourself to her, later on when you ask for a deeper relationship, make sure you come at it from the viewpoint of how you can meet her needs, satisfy her desires and be the man she's looking for.

I don't know how you can make her love you back at this stage, before she even knows you, unless you were to become famous and she were the superficial type to be attracted to a stranger without caring what you were like.  See what I mean?  

You two have to first have a casual brief talk in the hall at church.  That could include "hi, what have you been doing this year?  How are your grades?  Really?  Ugh, mine aren't that good.  (Or Wow that's great, I'm trying for A's but I'll be happy if I just really learn the material so I can apply it.)  Do you have a hobby?  I like...."

Then next time you see her, or if the conversation in the hall is going real well, ask if she'd like to do something together (try for 'in-church' activities first so she feels safe).  Like does your church have a basketball court, or movie time or any youth activities you can go to together?

If not, is there something in your hobbies or hers that you can try to do together.  If not, see if she'd like to go to the mall with you.  (Good idea to ask her sisters or brothers to go too, or your sister or brother, so her parents don't have to worry about you.)

Spend an hour or two at the mall, maybe get something to eat at the food court, or go see a movie.

Little bit at a time, Trevor, and you won't seem obsessed.  Look for things in the conversation she might reveal that you share in common.  Common interests.  Or ask if she'd like to join you in a special community project.  Maybe you'd like to collect clothing or food for the poor.  You and your family can set things like that up through your church or the local tv, and then you've got the credibility behind you to show that you're a mature and compassionate Christian.

I know, it sounds awful, like you're after brownie points.  But you're not just seeking to impress her.  If she's a minor, you have to impress her folks too.

You'll also be building your own character and courage, while helping figure out what things you like to do.  You'll also be meeting important social figures in your community who can help you get your life started, and make a career/home/marriage for you when the time comes.

Pick what you're passionate about and let her know what that is.  Invite her to join you in it, and give her interests equal time in your conversations and in your time spent together doing things.

Be fair, and then when you've had some time spent together, you can tell her that she really means a lot to you and would love to spend more time with her.  If she responds favorably to that anouncement, then you can reveal more.

Good luck and God bless you Trevor.  If you want to ask more questions, you can email me directly at chastityrose@yahoo.com.  I hope you get this new relationship off to a great start and soon.

Lisa