Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/16/2011

Question
hi my name is Chris. me and my girlfriend have been dating for 8 months and the last few months our relationship has changed alot since we stopped having sex. we both have been trying to better our lives. since then we both said that it feels like we are just friends instead of dating. she decided that we should be friends instead of dating anymore that it might help our relationship and give us the passion back. i don't like the idea because i have still had the love and passion for her that i have had and she says that she wants me in her life and her kids life whether or not we are together or just friends. i love her more than anything and really have a strong feeling that she is "the one" an i don't want to lose her. she says that i mean the world to her that she also loves me more than anyone besides her kids. i don't really know how to take it right now and i am taking it very hard right now. can this help save our relationship or what can i do? please give me some advise. thank you so much

Answer
Hello Chris!

So, let me get this straight: SHE decided that you two were going to stop having sex, stop being boyfriend/girlfriend and that is somehow supposed to make your relationship better?

Further, she expects you to stay around and be tied to her (especially knowing that you need and want her) and her kids - so that neither she nor the kids have to feel any loss due to her stupid decisions.

Then, this also means that she can now go out and find some other guy that she really wants to date (instead of you) and when she finds him and doesn't need you around any more, she'll just dump you so that you won't be in the way any longer. You're going to have to "understand" all of this because you're her "friend".

Finally, you obviously believe you have no rights here.

I think that sums things up pretty well, don't you?

CHRIS!!!! What in the hell are you doing here?? Frankly, this girl doesn't sound like "the one" to me at all. She sounds like "the one to avoid" instead.

First off, you don't want to be this woman's friend. She throws you a few crumbs and you lick them up off the floor sitting around hoping and waiting for more. Would you want to date that person? Well, neither does she!

You're supposed to be the man in this relationship. That means it's YOUR job to set the direction - not hers. You've given up all your rights and authorities out of fear of losing her. Frankly, what are you losing exactly?

Chris, you have only the rights you're willing to demand and fight for. She's taken all of that away from you because you let her. STOP IT!

Man up and make a freakin' decisions for yourself - and for her - already. Decide absolutely that if you don't get what YOU want, you're going to walk. Then, you're going to get healed and fix whatever it is inside you that makes you believe that this sort of treatment from someone you supposedly care about is ok. It's NOT ok Chris - far, far from it.

Then, TELL HER in no uncertain terms! If she's so over things with you that she's fine if you leave, you have absolutely nothing to work with anyway. That's the time to get healed and move on - and never, ever let yourself get into this situation again.

In order for this girl (or ANY girl) to love you, she's going to need to feel safe and secure FIRST. You letting her lead you around by the nose, deny you what you want, need and deserve and mistreat you like this will NEVER make her feel safe or secure!

On the other hand, you standing up for your rights and demanding that they be met will. In fact, it's the only way.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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