Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/18/2011

Question
Hello,

For the past couple weeks I have been focusing my attention on this girl I used to work with. We constantly text and facebook message each other every chance we get and i seems that we have been hitting it off. I keep trying to ask her out on weekends but things keep getting in our way, like family emergencies and her getting sick. I don't wan the chemistry to go away so I constant shoot her a text or call but I don't want to annoy her. How can I keep her interested? Your help is greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hello AJ!

First of all, let's examine those "emergencies".

Think about this: over the last 12 months, how many real emergencies have you had? I'm talking real emergencies that actually changed your clear, specific plans? Think hard about this. Have you had 3 of them? Have you had any?

I'll bet, in 12 months you haven't had very many of these types of emergencies if any at all. You see, the fact is, this rarely happens. It's about motivation - NOT events outside our control.

Let me give you another example to help set this idea in your noggin:

Let's say that you and I are sitting in a room and I ask you to get me a pen. You get up, go to the office where the pens are kept, turn the doorknob and find it's locked. So you come back to me and say, "Sorry, I can't get you a pen. Door's locked."

Now, let's say instead, the your 8-month old daughter is behind that door and the building is on fire. Are you going to come back to me and say, "Oh well, the door was locked..."

OF COURSE NOT!! You're going to move heaven and hell to get that door open and save your daughter, right?

You see, therein lies the issue with these sorts of "emergencies". In fact, they weren't emergencies at all. They were either attention grabbers or excuses - NOT emergencies. You (and frankly, ever other guy out there) needs to understand this point. Simply calling something an emergency doesn't make it one. To many people, getting a text or a phone call is an emergency. Is it really? What do you think voicemail is for?

You aren't a priority to her. Trust me on this: if you were, she'd be falling all over herself trying to get with you TONIGHT. I believe you're seeing someone here that invents emergencies in order to keep you where you are - and keep her getting what she wants to get. If you were George Clooney or Brad Pitt, do you really think she's be pulling this "emergency game" on you?

Consider this: attention (to women) is like sex is to men. Yet, men tend to lavish tons and tons of attention on women in hopes of getting what they want. What would happen if you parceled out the attention you gave someone based on getting what you wanted back? Do you think things would be different? You bet your arse they would be!

Many women (and it seems this girl) use Facebook, internet dating and other arm's-length tools (even texting) in order to work this in exactly this way. They want to extract the maximum amount of your attention from you (while denying it to someone else by the way) and then find ways like these "emergencies" in order to keep you from getting too close.

AJ, trust me: all of her excuses seem legitimate, but go back to my first example and think about your own situation. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt and start expecting to get what YOU want here.

The very next time you and she connect, be cordial, but aloof with her. Stop rewarding her with all this attention until she starts giving back and making YOU the priority. That way when another one of these "family emergencies" (like, "oh, my mom wanted me to go shopping with her") things come up you can say, "Great! I'll go find someone else that deserves my attention and time. When you're ready to actually start acting like adults and meet in person, just let me know."

Here you are worried about "annoying her" and bending over backwards rewarding her for bad behavior. Stop that and watch how quickly she forgets all these "emergencies".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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