Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/11/2011

Question
Hello Dennis! I've recently met a girl at work that I'm interested in and we hit it off immediatley. We started talking like we've know each other for years, and I guess that's the trick but she has a live in boyfriend. From what I gather she don't know what she wants, she rushed into a relationship with this guy because he's a nice guy, now she's having doubts about their relationship and has hinted about breaking up. My question is how do I let her know that I'm interested without sneeking around like a couple of high schoolers?

Answer
Hello Fernando!

First off, you're going to have to sneak around until you get things going. Bringing this out into the open now, before you have anything to work with isn't going to help anyone.

Second, you don't want to tell her you're interested. What's she supposed to do with that? She'd then have to deal with all the complicated, difficult issues between her and her roommate at the same time she's dealing with you. That's a lot of pressure and you aren't going to win by inflicting that on her until she has some investment in things.

So, first, ignore the boyfriend issue for right now. See if you can get her out with you preferably for dinner and drinks but at least for lunch or coffee. That's where you need to turn on the charm. Get her to talk about the difficulties with she and her boyfriend (this helps to solidify the problems in her mind) but at the same time, drop in how you and she seem so good together.

You're going to need to do this over a few weeks in order to get something started. Once it does start, you'll then need to be ready to deal with the live-in situation. That will likely mean helping her think of her exit-strategy. Where will she go? What will she do?

I'll add this: you DO NOT want to ask her to move in with you! You'll be right back in the same boat the boyfriend is in now.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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