Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/6/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr Neder,

  I knew a woman over 10 years ago. We did many things and had a lot of fun together. To make a long story short, she married someone else and moved several states away. I thought I would never see her again, then this past year I met her again. She is very pretty, her personality is great and she seemed like the sweetest person in the world.. She was back in my area for several months due to an illness in her family. I learned that she was divorced for 6 years and we started doing things together. We saw each other almost every day for months and she called me at least 250 to 300 times over 3 months she was here. And many times we talked for hours at a time.


    But, I did notice some things that seemed odd, like she watched her cellphone very, very closely. Once at dinner, she asked where the restroom was, put her cellphone in her purse and went in the restroom to use it. Whenever I tried to ask her questions I would get answers that would best be described as vague. Like "who were you talking to on the phone?" ..... the answer would be "a friend of the family" or "one of my mom's friends". Or something else that is impossible to pin down. If I tried to pin her down, she would bring up that I don't trust her. She is an expert at splitting words into different, confusing meanings. I could give many examples of this. For example, if she said "I'll call you later" that seems simple enough. But, if she didn't call that night and calls the next day instead .... she claims she didn't lie because "calling you later" doesn't have to be in the same day, tomorrow is later too". I wanted to visit her over the holidays so I took several days off work.  But she said those days were bad because her daughter is out of school for the holidays and they were going away to visit family. However, when I looked online her daughters school was NOT out for the holidays yet on those days.  Why was I attracted to her? Easy .... her looks and personality had me hooked and she knew it. And before she went back to her area I told her exactly how I felt about her.


    She went back home and we kept in touch almost daily. I noticed that she called me a lot but at odd hours. Sometimes she would call at normal times but mostly she would call in the late evening or even in the middle of the night. If I called her, many times she wouldn't answer or the phone would be off. I knew this was not normal behavior. I had to figure things out by myself. And that wasn't easy to do because she lives several states away. To make a long story short she was living with a man all this time. She never even hinted about this to me. Now here are my questions. Why would she hide all this from me? What did she gain other than my attention? And this may seem bizarre, but I still miss her and want to see her. I think it's because I'm very attracted to her physically. How can I see her in the proper way, based on her actions and not her words? Is she the dreaded AW? Thanks.

Franklin

ANSWER: Hello Franklin!

Let's get this straight here: you're attracted to her physically, but I'll bet absolutely nothing "physical" happened between you, did it? Of course not. You take her out on "dates" (which you're likely acting like it's a couple of buddies getting together) and then pay for everything along the way, do whatever she wants, put up with such rude, disrespectful behavior as her taking phone calls when she's with you, etc., etc., etc.

There's a good chance that this woman is an Attention Whore, but what's confusing you is simply that she's acting like a woman and not a man. You want her to speak, think and act in a way that YOU'D speak, think and act because you don't know how women REALLY are.

She's not going to do that. Further, it's exactly the fact that she doesn't do these things that makes her attractive to you, (along with a many others).

Franklin, you need to understand a number of things about women that you don't currently. The most important of these is this: to women, attention is like sex is to men; particularly male attention. They crave it and many (like this woman) will do absolutely anything to get it. You, and so many other men that don't know any better, give away mountains of attention HOPING to get what you want in return. It never works that way.

There are a number of reasons for this that I won't go into here. If you're interested in knowing more about the Attention Whore, I've devoted an entire chapter to the phenomenon in my second, book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" and you can really learn to understand it there.

What was happening here is that this woman is emotionally connected to this guy she lives with. She wants him to be her partner and lover, but he does one important thing you do not (as with many guys that don't get this), he WITHHOLDS attention from women UNLESS they give him what he wants in FIRST. He knows that by doing this, he gets love and devotion and all the sex he can handle in return.

Sadly, you do not.

You think that by giving all of this attention - and even "confessing your feelings" - you're "investing" in her and that will make her want to return your needs to you. It doesn't. It makes her realize that you're an easy mark. You're the guy she can go to and use and manipulate (by being evasive with her language in just one small example) and you'll dish out all the attention that she needs in order to stay within her current relationship.

Further, being so far away, you're totally and completely safe. She knows she can just run back home and not answer your phone calls unless she needs a booster shot of attention from you. Further, if she really gets frustrated with this guy she's living with, there's good old Franklin that she can lean on for the ego boost she so badly needs.

So my brother, you have a choice: continue doing this just as you have. Chase her (and likely every other girl you've ever been attracted to) to the ends of the earth and absolutely guarantee that she (and they) will remain with other guys and you'll just be the "surrogate boyfriend/attention-giver" or you can learn how to REALLY work all of this to start getting what you want and deserve.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dr Neder,

   Thanks for your response. I appreciate being told the honest truth on how things are rather than how I want things to be. Your response was right on with a few exceptions. My association with her went downhill quickly after Valentines Day. She said a few times how much she liked flowers, so I send her some for V-Day (remember she lives several states away). I didn't hear from her till a few days after V-Day and she was very friendly but made no mention of the flowers. I didn't know at this time that she was living with a guy, but maybe he found about me thru the flowers.



    We still talked as we normally did till early March then all of a sudden I didn't hear from her at all. Went from talking every few days to not a peep. I tried calling her at least 5 times and never received a response or a call back. I thought this was ridiculous so I quit trying to call her at all. So, it has been 2 months with no contact with her. As far as physical contact, she did want that several times but not nearly enough as I wanted.. She wanted me to hold her hand during the movies we saw. As far as more intimate contact, she would want that during the days of the month where she could conceive a child. It was almost like night and day how her desires changed during these days. She did hint that her bio clock was ticking and she wants another child. A few questions please ....



Is there a point where I could/should try and contact her again? If so, I don't even know what I would say. I mean I still have feelings for her, but in reality I  it's hard getting over what happened. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't call her again because she had many ways to contact me if she wishes to.



The way she behaved .... isn't calling me between 250-300 times, seeing me almost everyday and wanting physical contact disrespectful to the guy she is living with? Or is it just it was so far away from her home that he would never find out?



Thanks,



Franklin

Answer
Hello Again Franklin!

No, you shouldn't contact her again. You need to get healed over this woman so you can fix this problem and move on. Every time you pick at that wound, it just festers and continues to grow. You need to let it completely heal by purging this woman entirely from your mind.

Franklin, there are too many problems here beyond the simple contact issues. The distance. The fact that she has kids. The history you have (that she doesn't have with you!), etc. All of these things are unhealthy in and of themselves - and beyond what you think the problem is.

This is the time to take stock of this and use it as an important education. If you don't, you're simply going to repeat it again and again. Trust me on this: I see it every single day with great guys (like you?) that would be perfect partners for any woman. The problem is that you have to get past all this mistaken knowledge and belief you have about women and start learning what REALLY works. Then, you can turn all of this around for yourself.

I know your reaction to reading that last paragraph is exactly how you started your last message to me - "...but wait!". The problem is that you don't see that the symptoms themselves expose what is REALLY going on. You can't use the fact that she tried to contact you 300 times as an indicator of your value to her. That's not at all what that means. It simply means you were that easy a target for her to get HER needs met - NOT an indicator of her attraction for you.

Holding her hand is *NOT* the physical contact you wanted or needed. That was simply more servicing of HER needs. Getting naked with her and having her invest her heart, body and soul in you is what you needed, but THAT never happened. Nor, will it happen at this point. That chance is fully gone.

Now, she'll continue to throw you a bone here and there to make you THINK it's a possibility. She (and many women) are experts at manipulating your own feelings and needs. The problem is, you've already thrown away exactly what she needs in order to feel the type of feelings for you that she would need to have in order to invest like that.

OF COURSE her actions are disrespectful to this other guy. However, I'll be he doesn't even feel threatened by it. She's devoted to him - not you. You're the guy that makes it possible for her to remain with a jackass like him. After you, there'll be a long line of other guys, trust me.

Franklin, I'm sorry to give you all this bad news, but the great part of this is that you can now purge her (as an individual) from your life, gain from this experience and use it to begin learning what REALLY works and whom you REALLY need to be in order to have what you REALLY want and deserve.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"