Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/24/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi doc,

The situation is that, after graduating from school I wa bored so i checked out certain girls from my school whom i have never talked to before. And i added this girl. Upon the first time I chatted with her, she responded well and said that she had seen me before and she knew me. Then I chatted with her for only awhile, like half an hour or so. Then I couldnt find her online ever since, so one month later, I sent her a facebook message asking for her number. She didnt reply. Two months later I sent another mesage, asking her why she didnt reply and telling her I hope it was because she forgot. And i told her that if she thinks asking her her number is really wrong, then i apologise. Then i sarcastically told  her, "Well y're a tough nut to crack huh. I heard you dont open up to guys is it true?". Then she responded twenty minutes later, saying she doesnt feel it was wrong of me to ask,just too sudden. She also said that she's the shy type. Then she offered to talk on msn messenger instead. But I replied telling her its ok because we're probably busy with our own lives so don't bother, or somewhat like that. She hasnt replied me since, its been about a month. Well I didnt want to accept her offer of talking to her on msn as I was afraid it would lead to a typical virtual failure and make me look like a despo who is willing to take anything she throws at me. But now i feel like talking o her again. My ultimate aim is to get her be my gf. So what should i do next? Thanks doc! (Facebook is the only way i can contact her btw)

ANSWER: Hello Rocky!

You were right about the "virtual failure". That's all it would have been. Unfortunately Facebook and other technologies are filters. What they ultimately do is to provide girls tons of much-needed attention while keeping you at keyboard's length and ultimately denying you what you really want and need.

The reality of any online dating situation is this: you absolutely have to get things into real life right away. If you don't, all sorts of hell will break lose and you just spend your time trying to fight against the problems without moving anything forward.

You weren't too early or abrupt in asking for her number. What you didn't see however was that by her not responding, she was telling you she wasn't interested.

Rocky, think about this: this isn't the "way this girl just is". It's her way of staying away from you. Please don't play that game. Forget her and move on. Every girl realizes certain realities such as digits are the entrance into the game. She doesn't mind (in fact, likely LOVES) extracting your attention from you just as long as she doesn't have to give you anything back - like actually talking to you. Please don't be the guy that plays into this thinking and hoping he can turn it into more. You can't and you won't; not because you're not a great guy, but because here, SHE holds all the cards - and you absolutely none. It's HER game, not yours.

One more point: finding and meeting girls in real life is absolutely EASY to do! You just don't know the skills yet. Go get them. It's a ton of fun and you'll have your hands so full, you won't be able to use them to chase girls you won't have on the internet.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Tks doc!

Well i am currently stuck in the army for two years of national service. Thats why its hard to go out and hook up with girls. And thats why  i find going through facebook to find those girls i have some relation with and then getting their number and asking them otu might be easier. Well I have been talking to another one of such a girl i have never met before in school. We have been talking via facebook msg for 2 weeks now. We mainly talk about school stuff actually. So what do u think is my next step towards getting this girl?

Also i plan to add another girl on facebook but she is already attached. Do u think i should give it a try?

Lastly, there is this girl whom i already have her number. We ever talked for awhile before last time. I always felt she had some sort of "liking" for me as i always notice her noticing me and whenever we talk i realise she remembers one or two minor details about me no one ever does bother to remember. However her gd friend was my ex-crush at that time. When I fell out with my ex-crush, I noticed she doesn't acknowledge me in school as much. However I still catch her looking at me from far sometimes. Well I sent my ex crush alot of vulgarities and false threats at the time we fell out. And she went to show that to this girl. So I suppose maybe she thought that I was being mean or something. But the thing is now, I want to go for her. It has been months since we've talked. And I already have her number. So what should I do? Tks doc!

Answer
Hello again Rocky!

Let's be totally and completely honest here, ok? You want to continue using Facebook not because it's "easier", it's because you're a coward around women. You like that buffer you think technology provides you. If you get rejected, it wasn't a real, human being rejecting you, it was the computer.

Sure, you can give this a try if you want, or you can actually meet women and start building something with them. It's obvious that you can't do both. You have to make a decision as to what you want: fantasy or reality. You can't have fantasy turn into reality all by itself.

With the other girl, just call her up and say you want to get together to catch up. Set up a real date and go get to know her. Don't worry about what she saw from your ex. Just brush it off as the reactions of an angry, frustrated guy if she even brings it up - which she's not likely to do.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"