Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/24/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hey Doc, I've read alot of your work and debating on getting your book since I'm a "New Reader" if you will, anyways I like your previous work and love how you handle situations, So decided to ask you a this Question. First off, Im 21 smart,funny,attractive 5"10 and lightskin (Black and white) and been through the worst and still pushing...

I have been starting a new life if you will and so far so good with starting new activities,peace with myself etc.. As you can imagine, I'm at a point where at small times I would love to have a woman beside me or at big moments too, weather its sleeping or etc...Its just the "New" life I'm talking about, Vision's great to me but with a woman there. Don't get me wrong I don't want to hit a crash course tho.
Now Doc, There is a female I met when I first moved here...Long story short we popped it off really well, loved and appreciated one another from what we had to offer. Kinda dated for a lil bit, Till we broke it off cause of me (Not cheating at all) Just going through my young mental phase. We remained very good friends till this day and been "talking" on and off. Sorry but to try to some it up, I really and always liked this woman but are schedules and how I was feeling always kept us away but still stayed in contact. Now for the past months I been trying to get her back and its been really hard but making progress. It hit me months ago where it just hit me like a ton of brick..Like wth, this is the woman of my dreams and I'm ready and I let her slip right from my hands. Now It does seem like I'm just hopping into something cause I want something but I truly believe that this feeling that I have for her is 100% sincere and I don't ever want to hurt her again and honestly...IDK what love is but I think I do love her. (NEVER thought I ever say that)

Ok. The situation now is, She's going through her emotional stress over her ex, (Which deep down I swear she didn't love him like that she says she did) life and me trying to make my way back in. Which lately its been really hard cause she wasn't sure of my intentions, cause she known me for years and we have history,  but now she is (Pure Intentions)..Now where we're at is where she has been having this emotional wall if you will standing tall (Which I respect) that I'm trying to break down slowly but surely cause I'm not trying to hurt her at all, just I feel like I can complete her and vice/versa. So I finally got to take her out this weekend and stayed with her at her place. Went really well made her laugh till it hurt if you will, I'm telling you, I swear her feeling are similar and the same as mine( I just know). I made sure there wasn't gonna make any aggressive moves on my behalf (Kissing or touching) just to really make sure she knows why I'm here (was that a mistake). So, So far it has been going as smooth as it could be. So I would like to know, How do I continue about this situation to finalize her thoughts of me, and to break that wall down so I can also feel more comfortable about her thoughts or intentions. Cause she knows me to well to not give me the full feeling of satisfaction of "I'm in" if you will (Emotional wall, So evil)I give myself great credit from handling famale situations but this is different, she is good at hiding her emotions by changing my direct question to unclear answers (I swear just to me, since she knows me). Is patience the key to this whole thing?? Or is there more to it?? I wouldn't want to go about this the wrong way and lose or hurt her again, I just want to know that I'm making the right moves and not wasting my time or hers. If it can get done, how we met and what has happend between us, It would be a fairytale story. Its tricky cause she is very smart and can play the "Game" as well as me, but my intentions are very sincere and I'm honestly Ready and she is a geat woman..I'll do w.e it takes... Sorry for the booklet and thanks, hope you can understand and tell me like it is.
Thanks Doc

ANSWER: Hello Marcus!

What's the "debate"? Either you want to learn these philosophies (the "BAM Philosophies") or you don't. No debate there!

Your situation is a great example of this. You have no base philosophy to work from in your dating/sex/relationship life and thus, you're shooting from the hip. How lucky are you? If you're really, really lucky, then this can work out. If you're not, then...

The point is that you need some sort of system that works to MAXIMIZE your chances here. You've already made a number of huge mistakes and be clear on this: very few budding relationships survive these sorts of mistakes today. There is just far too much competition for attention.

Unfortunately, most guys that don't know any better simply throw out a ton of attention, confess their feelings, become friends first, etc., all in hopes that they won't have to do any real work. Sound familiar? You're right on the edge here with all of this too. Which way will you fall? Right now, you're relying on luck to push you over the right way. That's pretty damn risky in my book!

The problem is that you're doing all the wrong things - and all for the wrong reasons! You're trying to "break down the wall" when in fact, what you really need to be doing is to either go over it, under it or around it. You're afraid of what you call "aggressive moves" as though touching and kissing are "aggressive"? Really? Really Marcus??

Next, you say you're relying on her to tell you you're "in". Marcus! No girl will *ever* do that! It's totally and completely against her wiring! I don't care how close you two are. That's just never, ever going to happen. Of course she's good at hiding her emotions. All women are. It's wired right into them.

Marcus, here's the problem you're giving me: you're looking for a technique to solve all your problems while you work hard to kill off your chances. The real problem is that you're foundations are simply wrong. How can I possibly fix all of these foundational problems AND give you some sort of trick to make it all work correctly through these messages? Answer: I can't.

What you need to do is to throw out all of the things you THINK you know about women and start again. You had the perfect chance to turn things around at her place and you just threw that one away. In fact, you don't even see that you took one LONG step backwards - not forwards.

It's simply not her job to do your work for you. You have to work smart and make the right moves at the right time. Instead, you insist what you're doing is "right" and want to continue doing even more of it - with my blessings. Sorry, I'm not going to give you the rope to hang yourself. You don't know what women want and need in general and thus, you're doing what most guys do. You're playing it safe. You're not moving on a clear, specific plan with clear, specific actions. You're waiting for signals back from her as to what to do, etc. None of this is going to work.

You might get lucky if she's gets so frustrated waiting for you to get it figured out that she helps you along, but frankly, you'd better not count on that. It's rare; almost to the point of being non-existent.

Here's the very best advice I can give you: take all the things you're doing now (and thinking of doing) and simply do the opposite of them. Stop being this girl's friend. Stop waiting for her to give you signals. Stop chasing this girl. Stop trying to make this girl laugh. Stop taking it slow.

Most important: stop waiting for the perfect moment and the perfect sign.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Holy Hell OMG doc, later on last night I figured that out!!! I completely understand now and 1000% agree!!! UNFORTUNATELY!! It might be to late...Last night I said to myself that I'm heading out there tomorrow (Today) to go get and rewrite the past again, I woke up and tested her and MF!! what did I get!?! a " I appreciate it if you leave me alone" like...Wow ok, but of course...what a shock-at work and will talk to me later (Her)...Doc,No way once again am I gonna fail on another female...Can this be salvaged?? Damn I swear the story of my life...everytime..I cant take this ish no more Doc..gotta help if possible...
P.S.: unfortunately you reeled me in with your book that im getting today  before I go outta town Lol I hope it is good as you say... But I appreciate it.

ANSWER: Hello again Marcus!

You know, I take no joy in delivering bad news or in being right about these things. I'm sorry you're going through this, but that's unfortunately how it often happens. You have to lose something so precious and valuable that you finally decide, "Enough!" and dedicated yourself to getting educated.

There's a lot of good news however too. Once you get some new ways to think, speak, act and BE, you can revisit this opportunity and maybe turn it around. More important, you'll never be in this situation again.

This is a good time to regroup. Put her aside and use this frustrating situation as a springboard to become someone new. After you've read the books, you'll look back and wonder why you put so much weight into this one girl in the first place.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I know I know, Just kinda sucks as you know...she saying all this stuff right now that I'm not diggin but hey right?? She was a cool female tho and wonder why my only true "girlfriend" was in my life for that long and in contact.Man Lol so Unfortunate that it happened like this...Easier said then done, but you can bet your ass it will be doc. Even before all this tho, I been fascinated with human mind lately and this stuff is wild, usually my education stops me from getting what I want Example:today but I swear im not your average cat...Damn to learn like this...Sigh, Lol people like you are suppose to prevent this from happening right?? I guess you learn from you mistakes the best tho huh

Anyways Thanks Doc and much appreciated, I'm not a failed message that you sent if you will...I read you load and clear.Be safe and keep helping people...You got skill

Answer
Hey Marcus!

Lo, that I wish I COULD prevent all of this! That's why I do my TV and radio shows, write books and articles and answer these questions. The problem is, it's very tough to get people to get past their own arrogance. These are not skills you're born with, you have to learn them. There simply is no other way.

Now, go get your ass educated. The next time you write to me, it'll be because you're trying to figure out how to successfully juggle 2 "9's" and 1 "10".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"