Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/31/2011

Question
QUESTION: there is a girl in our church who used to look at me and i also used to look at her. she is a singer and i sit in the audience so we face  other. its been happening since 5-6 months. And we were not able to talk to each other because of our parents. so looking at each other got too high and also i got a feeling that she is my future wife and i thought jesus gave me hint that she is my soul mate and because of that i started thinking about her as my wife and started thinking about spending time her in my mind and because of that i got too emotionally attached to her. and then one day she gave a blank msg on my mobile and and she said that she is that girl in the church [sneha] and we started chatting on mobile through msg and when i asked her that how she got my number then she said one boy who is our common friend [nitin] gave me my number and then after that few msgs later asked her whether she has a bf and she said "yes nitin is my bf. and dont tell nitin that i msgd you"  and i couldn't handle the shock. something happened with my health, my energy dropped, i cried a lot and it felt like a hot water is passing through my head and i couldnt sleep the whole night, not even one minute. Now i am in trouble something is happening with me, i am all the time in weakness.

So am i going into depression?
And if she has a bf then why did she look at me and msgd me?

Once i thought that she must be lying to me that nitin is her bf to make me jealous but i asked another friend of mine and he said yes they both are together. I never thought she was a characterless women. by looks she seems to be a very decent and shy girl but she is completely different to what i thought. and then i asked her that if she had a bf then were u fooling me from the past 5-6 months? and why did u do it to me? and she said that i chatted with you only once and before 5-6 months i never chatted with u and then she stopped msging me and after that we had an argument? i abused her and she also abused me.

now u tell me was it my fault? why did she flirt with me if she had a bf? first of all she hurt me by telling me that she has a bf and then she dont even feel guilty or bad for me, she talking so rudely to me?

ANSWER: Hello Ajay!

Just because a girl is with a guy doesn't mean that she's with the right guy. That was what she was telling you. Unfortunately, you handled this very badly. That doesn't mean it's entirely your fault however. She has some blame here too.

You have to ask yourself if Nitin is a close friend of yours or not. Further, why would he give his girlfriend your number?

The worst part of all of this is that you can't/won't go talk to her! That would have avoided this entire mess from the very beginning.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: you said that its the fault of both of us. so can u tell me whats my fault and what hers?
And also tell me, could she be a characterless women?  I mean if she had boyfriend then why did she flirt with me? i think it could be that she was already in a relationship with him and  later she realized that i am  the right guy and thats why she flirted with me but on the other hand if she felt that her boyfriend is not the right guy then why did she tell me that "dont tell nitin that i messaged you" because this proves that she doesnt wants to loose her boyfriend [nitin]. And now i am thinking to patch up with her, is this the right thing to do? should i say sorry for calling her a characterless women? And also sometimes i feel like even if i get get her now she may do the same thing to me also, i mean flirting with another guy when she is with me.

2 days ago i msged her and said you are character less women and she said "what do u think of yourself, dont ever talk to me like that, u r fighting with me for now reason"  so i replied "i am ajay and i am the best" in which she replied "i am worst, the worst guy i have ever met, i am sure u r really having some problem". So do u think i am having some problem? should i consult a psychiatrist?

Answer
Hello again Ajay!

Your fault: not going for what you wanted when you had the chance. You made excuses instead of taking action. Her fault: she let you do this.

I don't know the woman is "characterless". That's your definition, not mine. Maybe she's an opportunist instead. Maybe she's looking for something new or different and your mutual friend simply isn't what she wants long-term. These are obviously all guesses since I don't know her. You do, and you should ask her instead of me.

You had no right to attack her based on your own beliefs. As I said, you don't know what's in her mind or her heart. What's probably happened now is that you've lost the chance to find out. You let your own hurt and immaturity cause you to overreact.

You don't need a psychiatrist, but you may need a psychologist. What you really need to do is to grow up. This is about immaturity and lack of sophistication, not likely mental illness.

Don't attack others because you can't handle their situations.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"