Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/2/2011

Question
QUESTION: In a previous article you said the uneducated man is lonely.  I understand why you believe that and I am sure you're correct in most cases.  But I feel the opposite.  I am educated and am always stimulating my mind since my curiosity has quite an appetite.  I don't want to sound like I am boasting but being honest to you is the best way to get the right answers.  This is a quote I found in which I may relate to:


"I've also seen that great men are often lonely. This is understandable, because they have built such high standards for themselves that they often feel alone. But that same loneliness is part of their ability to create."
-Yusef Karsh

I'm great with socializing with anyone and I am great with women.  I can relate to anyone and everyone.  But my problem is this.  I feel confident and i believe my value in attractiveness, IQ level, and personality, but I still feel somewhat lonely at the end of the day.  Nothing too serious.  It's not that I am rejecting women left and right (definitely not the case), it's just that I honestly have no clue why I cannot seem to find a girl.  I'm not looking aggressively like most men at clubs and bars.  Unfortunately, I spend most of my nights reading and watching films.  Most people do not know a lot of the blues musicians, poets, artists, films, that I know.  Therefore I say the more educated=more lonely. Just an antidote, I can small talk just fine as well.  

I don't believe that I am better than anyone just because we differ in interests.  This is just the surface of the whole paradigm which I will spare you from.   

I would have never have thought to email someone this cause I think it is sad but I could care less since you are a professional.  Life is simple, if you have a problem, figure out what it is and fix it.

That was the first problem/question.  The second part is about a girl I spoke to over the weekend at a bachelor/bachelorette party dinner.  I had to sit across from her and I dreaded it since she was so darn beautiful.  In my mind I thought she was nothing like me since I have some sort of typical hot girl tuned up in my head to be shallow and not know anything about film and art. Turns out she does know film and art!  

We basically were in deep conversation and were hitting it off, she even tapped into her past about how she wanted to be an artist and paint which seemed like something she doesn't get to talk about often. Here's the problem, she left to the bathroom and towards the end of the dinner (I dropped the ball?) the conversation ended and we were both waiting for everyone to finish so we could leave since there were 22 of us.  Our parties then parted ways and met again for a short period of time at a late hour.  There were 3 of us men and 11 girls that met for a fake chapel wedding and she was there but seemed tired and uninterested in conversing maybe we me or everyone.  All the girls seemed tired and irritated that they were not in their beds.

The problem is that I feel she may not be interested cause one she is 1-2 years older than me and two maybe I am not what is physically attractive to her.  The actual wedding is next week and she might be there and I want to ask her to dance and maybe even out to  a movie if all goes well.  She is very pretty and has a bright creative side which I found interest in since I don't meet many who do like art.  How do I read her signals of interest or disinterest?  I'm confident, not arrogant, and also a realist.  This girl is great.  My usual approach would be think too much planning on how I will ask her to dance and somehow manage never to do it come wedding time.

Would love to go into more detail but I understand how busy professionals are.  Please help!  If you have time and enjoy writing I would love a long answer such as the one you gave in the article How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams.  I am not looking to sleep with women at all, just looking for good company.  I feel there are other men out there with these similar problems and that you might be able to help them out as well.

Thank you
Sincerely,
Random Web Surfer

ANSWER: Your second message (please always try to consolidate these if possible):

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070203074420AA5Lsk2

Sorry but I just had to send you this follow up link to my question and add more!

Here is a link on how I feel.  I don't necessarily think I am hot, I am actually pretty self conscious as most people are about there looks and plus im only 5 foot 7 which doesn't help to my advantage.  

I guess this would explain a lot and make me feel a little better if this were the case.  It's either that or I'm ugly and stupid which is the cause for my loneliness.... lol which i'll get over if that's the case.

--------------
Hello!

I think you misinterpreted my statement about "educated men". You didn't copy the original message that contained that statement, but I'll bet it was stated to mean "educated about dating, sex and relationships"; not academically.

Let's talk about what loneliness really is: Loneliness is NOT about being alone or not having a sex/love partner. Loneliness is only one thing: being by yourself and not liking the company. Truly "great" people are never lonely - not because they have people all over them all the time however. It's because they are busy being "great". They are doing things and building themselves and finding new fun, interesting things to do either within their industries or bodies of expertise or outside of them.

The interesting part of this is the same energy that moves them forward with their goals also draws other, interesting, fun and attractive people to them. Thus, really "great" people are rarely "lonely".

Your difficultly in finding a girl (love/sex/relationship/etc.) isn't about your smarts. You seem to have plenty of that. You simply don't have the right TYPE of smarts. You believe (as do so many people) that women should "...just love you for you"! That, my friend is NOT the way things work. It's a wonderful, romantic notion, but that's all it is. It's not reality.

This also isn't "sad". In fact, it's common. Perhaps it's commonality makes it "sad", but you as an individual aren't sad - unless you choose to stay that way.

You see, while the entire dating/sex/relationship game isn't a natural part of us (because it's built on culture - not nature - the science of which I'll spare you) it's not difficult to learn. The challenge is that most guys (and girls too!) want to do things by trial-and-error or luck. They don't bother to learn what REALLY works or what they REALLY need to know to be successful. In this way, educated people tend to be more arrogant; and thus, from that standpoint, lonely.

Your choices (as stated in your message) are examples of these mistakes. For example, why would you invite a girl to a movie for your first date? That's a rookie-mistake. You need "face-time" in order to build up "chemistry" (do you know what the 5 types of "chemistry" are and how to build them?) with her. Going to a movie saps you of that valuable opportunity. Then, what do you do? You have to start right back from scratch again to get the second date, the third date, etc.

You are also kidding yourself. Perhaps the good news however is that you can't kid me. I simply talk to far too many guys and know better. OF COURSE you are looking to sleep with women! There's absolutely nothing to apologize about there. You'll do far better to accept your natural, carnal nature and embrace it. Realize that it's one of the keys to your own masculine persona and absolutely nothing to shy away from.

This begets another mistake you're making. You're trying to act, speak and think like a girl - not a guy. Sorry, you probably don't realize this, but it's true. Women definitely realize it. That's why you've got to get your head around this and fix it; at least if you ever want to be successful in a "woman's world". Women don't date other women - or men that act, speak or think like women - unless that is their specific target market. For the vast majority of women, it's not.

There are at least another half dozen of these mistakes littered throughout your message like thinking your looks or intelligence have anything to do with being lonely. They don't. You are simply uneducated. However, that is easily fixed - *IF* you accept and embrace that reality and go forth to change it. I wish this for you!

If instead, you think a few dollars (usually far less than you'd spend on a date!) are more important than not being lonely then, you can continue to do what you're doing right now and things will stay exactly the same as they are right now. That's not my rule by the way. It was here before I came!

[By the way, I added a comment to that Yahoo question regarding this.]

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the long and quick response.  So what are those 5 types of "chemistry" and how to build them?  I usually do face time with dinner and then movie as an activity to do.  Coffee seems like to much of an interview to me unless that's exactly what it is.  I guess you're right that I am clueless in terms of dating and sealing the deal on dates otherwise I wouldn't be emailing you.  

So do you believe that most beautiful smart women are lonely because they choose to be or because they are neglected through intimidation?  Just want to know since this girl I like is one of them and I have no idea how to approach her.  

I was always about being myself.  How can I not? What's your alternative?

You caught me there.  Correction: I am not just looking to sleep with women.  I'd like to get to know them as well. I just meant I'm not just trying to play the field.

Thank You!

ANSWER: Hello again!

Five types of chemistry: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual. As to how to build them, that's a VERY large discussion - too big for this forum. My books discuss this in great depth and you can also order personal coaching time if you want to talk about them.

I agree; coffee is for business meetings, not dates.

As to beautiful women being lonely, many of them are. I can't tell you how often really beautiful women complain to me that that they don't get approached. Of course, average looking women don't get approached either. This is because men simply don't know these skills and far more commonly wait for the women to break the ice, go through all the rapport/connection building work and even have to close them. That's why I had to write the book, "How Women Can Approach Men".

Yes, I'm absolutely clear on what you want. The problem is, because of media conditioning, many men deny (or actually go about confusing themselves) on what they really want. These ideals are promoted by a mostly feminist-leaning media to tell you that you and the things you want are bad. They aren't and you aren't, by the way. That's the very first place to start! You need to be completely clear on what you want - and why you want it and to accept that there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or getting any of it! In fact, by doing so, you're also giving some lucky woman everything she could want too.

The reason for this is that if you don't know what you want, then the very first woman that walks by is the "right one" because she matches perfectly your goals - or more to the point, the lack of them. You chase entirely the wrong women for the wrong reasons. Then, if you finally (and only through luck) land one of these women, you have no further game to make anything happen, so you (as do most men) leave it up to the women to move things forward. Most of them won't simply because it's not their job. Of the rest that do, it's out of frustration. Then, they don't move things in a way that is beneficial to themselves, you or any sort of relationship. Again, it's not their job! You just wind up getting led around by the nose by a woman that is frustrated and angry and trying to get you to be the man she needs. Why not simply learn how to do this first so you can give her what she wants and needs? Doesn't that sound much easier? (It is by the way.)

By the way; another huge, mistaken belief is that "luck" is created via trial-and-error. It's not. Luck is created by doing only the right things. I see far too many guys (many right here on this forum) that just keep trying/doing the same things hoping that eventually they'll get lucky. What they don't understand is that they actually kill off their own luck by doing so many wrong things. That's incredibly sad, especially when you consider how easy it is to do the right things!

As to being yourself, that is one of those "feel good" pieces of advice that you hear from well-meaning but otherwise clueless people. "Just Be Yourself" ("JBY") is a sound bite, nothing more. It has no real meaning. If just being yourself was all it took, you'd have women all over you! After all, you've been yourself your entire life.

What they don't tell you (because they don't understand) is that you have to be your "best self". You need to recognize and draw from those millions of years of evolution that has given you testicles and become the man that women want and need you to become. You then simply integrate that power into your own personality - without changing anything else - and bingo! Your entire dating/sex/relationship life turns around.

I can't tell you how often I've seen this transformation in men. Talk about "great guys"! These are the guys that learn these skills and simply apply them. Then, I hear from these same men the same thing: "Why didn't I learn this sooner?" and "Why didn't my father teach me these things?", etc.

Yeah. Why?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm glad we still get to be ourselves just our best selves.  Would love to check out the book that describes everything into detail, but you have so many, which one is it?  Seems somewhat complex.

Thanks again for clarifying Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Answer
Hey!

The very best place to start is with the two books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" (http://www.beingaman.com/beingamancom/Products.aspx?type=1)

These two books are going to completely change your way of thinking along with giving you the exact tools you need in order to approach and win with women. The detail pages for each book will tell you more.

The other books in the series are add-on's to these two so that's where you want to start. Together, they are less than the cost of just one date and as one of my readers recently put it "If you can't afford to read these books for your own benefit, you can't afford to date in the first place!"

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"