Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/18/2011

Question
Hi Dr Neder,

I have read many of your articles, as well as your BAM. I like them.   I have also read some other relationship materials. I have put as much as I can into use and get certain level of success.  
Meanwhile I still have some confusions and would like to have a break and have some discussion with you.


1.Communication model: Male-female model, Motivation model, NLP programming, Sexuality model.
You have many cool terms here. From my understanding, I'm trying to match up them with some other materials,you can review and give me some thoughts so that I know my take of your books are on the right track.
Male-female model - basically the Gender Difference topics, theories.
Motivation model - basically the Personality type topics in relationship
Sexuality model - basically the Masculine/Feminine topics and how the Masculine/Feminine brain affect a person's sexuality.


2.Marketing plan, Sales, Action plan etc.
My understanding is these are about the courtship process,courting, charming, relationship building skills. You have re-frame them with modern marketing theories.


3.The Test.
This is most confusion part, I still don't get it. What is the Test, and Why we get Test, from what you wrote in your book, it didn't gave some clear, direct explanation, but seems gave lots of examples for readers to figure out by themselves the truth.

My take of What is the Test, and Why we get Test will be as below:
As the name says it, it's a Test. It's a process, tool to know more about the inside traits of the potential mate, to evaluate his genuine intention, integrity, personality, power and skills to move things forward, make things happen, to identify the man is a candidate worth considering for next stage involvement.

Your thoughts?


4.Why women don't make good friends.
This is confusion as well. The reality is if we want to maximize our chance, while without much attachment, being needy at early stage of courtship, we probably need lots of "female friends" around.  Don't they say Ladies man sometime actually act and looks like a girl/woman, as if he's one of women's buddy or sister, because he understands women so well and get along with women so well.

What's your thoughts ?



5.Reality questions. As I said,I have put as much as I can into use and get certain level of success.  I can go out and meet some women in certain circumstances and get their number and follow up. But how do I end the relationship with the one that I don't want to take things further and move things on to next stage with the one I really like?

Three month ago, I went to a shyness social group, social group called “Shyness social group” aim at shy and reserved people socializing and I attended. There are equal number of guys and ladies, most of them are late 20 or over 30. I met a lady called Lisa and we stayed together for drink for a couple of hours, we didn't had a intense conversation as I'm not a talkative person. But I said I felt comfortable around her and ask her number to keep in touch. I asked her out after that. We did a day city tour.   After that I decide for some reason I won't consider her as a romantic prospect.  I didn’t call Lisa for solely two of us catch up any more. But I still attend other shared social group activities where I meet up with her. I’m in touch with her on facebook and I don’t avoid her. I encourage to catch up with her in a group activities and hopefully she can get the message.   Last catch up is for a Karaoke event, I met her with other shared friends as well. Even with many other mutual friends together, it seems Lisa is very much close to me at least as a friend, we sits together most of the time and even planned to sing a song together, but it’s canceled later. When I left the group, she also left together with me. I accompanied Lisa to her car and kissed her face goodbye again.

So in this case have I handled it right or there are better ways to do it?


About Three month ago I have also joined another university Christian group, here I met more nice girls and boys.  I had joined a few group activities with these people and made loads of friends.  There's a girl called Ana seems very nice and friendly. She's the girl that seems be Ok to be close and around me. She's only 19 and still live with parents, every time she go out she need tell her parent's time and place.   During the semester break, I organized a facebook movie event(Transformer 2011)  and invited those new friends.  I invited 30 people.  Only 5 attended, and only 2 girls are there, and She's one of them,  she's also the earliest one who registers the movie event.   The event went well and I get to know she speaks Germany, Hungarian as well.  She likes playing soccer, and a bit tennis. She also loves Harry Porter.  We exchanged number and I said I'd like to catch up with her later, she said that's ok.
Now with this girl I'd really like to take things further with her. How do I follow up properly?  Ask her out for some catch up with solely two of us? or keep seeing her next semester in group activities?  Should I make my intention clear at some stage and see her response?

I'd love your practical advise in above cases.   Thanks millions again.

Answer
Hello Richard!

First of all, I see a problem with your questions. You aren't going to be able to match up the communication systems I teach with other people's materials. I'm the only one that teaches these, (with the exception of NLP, which other's misuse and misunderstand). Thus, there's going to be a disconnect if you try to use them with someone else's philosophies.

As I explain in BAM2, these communication models are used to create rapport and connection in a very quick, very profound way. That is one of the steps along the way of any approach/pick-up and/or of any relationship building activities. If you try to use patterning (as so many in the seduction community teach) with these tools, it's not going to work very well.

Patterns are all about AVOIDING building rapport and connection and trying to do it in a very artificial, unnatural way. That's why only about 20% of the guys that use those things see any sort of success. The guys that stick with the BAM philosophies, see a much better 85-90% success rate. The key however is to be pure in your systems. You can't mix-and-match and expect to have any sort of reasonable results.

To your questions:

1) The Male-Female model is based on the new gender similarities/differences models. The Motivation Model is a modified conjunction of Jungian and Myers/Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) models adapted specifically for interpersonal communications. The Sexuality model is actually one half of the Sexuality/Suggestibility Model from hypnosis - NOT the gender differences model. This last point is extremely important to understand since the model's modalities can apply equally easily to either men OR women.

You might want to check out the "Communication Models Fast Track" e-book on my website for more information on this.

2) You are absolutely correct! I've taken the best of the sales/marketing model and adapted them to dating, sex and relationships. They are very, very similar in many ways.

3) The Test is rather confusing on first read, but absolutely critical to understand. I tried to give you many examples to show you how to recognize and deal with The Test rather than to give an exhaustive analysis of it. That's because nobody else anywhere talks about or deals with it. It really is a new, groundbreaking concept.

Very simply put, The Test is an evolutionary, pre-wired tool that all woman have - and absolutely EVERY relationship faces, no exceptions. It is designed to determine exactly where the power-base, control and security elements within a relationship exist - with the man or with the woman.

The best way to understand The Test is to understand where it comes from. As I'm explaining in my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World III", women absolutely MUST feel safe and secure BEFORE they can feel love. If a woman wants to be in love (and trust me, almost all of them do), they first have to feel safe and secure with the man they've chosen as the possible target of that love.

With me so far? Ok...let's continue...

A woman isn't going to get you to be the man that can make her feel that way simply through brute force. Men don't have this specific need which is why so much of this is confusing to so many guys. Women on the other hand have "evolved" The Test to determine exactly where this power-base lies. Even more so today, many women feel they have to settle for guys that can't pass their Tests, but trust me, these guys go through living hell in the process. If, instead, these guys learn to pass The Test, their relationships with great women become a real joy.

4) Women and men want something different from their friendships with the opposite sex. Most women crave having male friends in their lives because we tend to be pretty straight-forward and drama-free. Further, we generally don't compete with women for the same, limited dating resource.

Men however have a different need in their friends. We look for that commonality and understanding. We aren't catty towards our male friends and often operate on an intuitive level. We "get" each other.

When men form friendships with women, we never get the same things from them that we do our male friends. That difference causes tensions and most of these friendships don't last. Those that do often have an ulterior motive: the guy actually wants to date or bang the girl and is trying to "work it from the inside". This; as you already know, never, ever works.

Richard, I'm going to stop here. These are very deep, very broad questions - too deep and broad for this board. I suggest you get some personal coaching time from the website (http://www.beingaman.com/Products.aspx?type=5) to really get into all of this via phone or computer.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
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Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
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