Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/16/2011

Question
I have this friend that I have been quite taken with for a long time. We've known eachother for almost four years and are pretty much best friends. we did try dating once briefly but she thought it felt weird and broke it off. We stayed close then things started getting confusing. She had a surgery that she was kinda freaked about. For emotional support I decided to go with her to calm her nerves. She seemed very touched by this and after the surgery we started holding hands.

Things were pretty normal for a while after that and when my enlistment ended (we met while we were in the Air Force) and I returned home to Arizona we kept in contact. A couple months ago she came down to go to a concert with me and my brother, and that's when things got really confusing. Remember the hand holding? Well during our road trip there was a lot of that. We also would cuddle and hold eachother. We slept in the same bed cuddling as we did so. When we met my grandma and my aunt at a restaurant before the concert, we held hands under the table so they wouldn't see. She would sometimes caress my arm or rest her head on my shoulder. The crazy part is she has a boyfriend and it seems their relationship is getting serious since they're moving in together. But while we were together she rarely mentioned him and I'm sure had he been around, we wouldn't have gotten so lovey dovey with eachother. When people ask, she insists that we are just friends, but the signals I'm getting from her tell a different story and I don't know what to think anymore. I still have feelings for her and I think she knows this. Is she being real or is she gaming my feelings? Thanks in advance for your input.

Answer
Hello Kristopher!

Yes, absolutely she knows you still have feelings for her. It's those very feelings that she's using against you to get what she wants. You've become the "surrogate boyfriend".

What's happening is that she has a very large need for attention (specifically of the male variety) but isn't getting it from her REAL boyfriend. She knows you're not going to push for anything more because if you did you'd lose the friendship. Instead, she gives all of her real affection and sexual attention to the guy she really wants to be with and uses you to get that dose of male attention she needs in order to stay in her relationship.

Kristopher, you need to understand something: to women, attention is like sex is to men. Think about this: with a woman you didn't really care about, simply having sex with her would be fine, but as soon as she wanted things to turn into a real relationship, you'd put on the brakes, right?

Well, this is what this girl is doing to you. She's using you to get what she wants and needs, but absolutely doesn't care about what you want or need. In fact, she knows that she can throw you a bone here and there and have all the attention she needs.

Dumb guys do this all the time. They lavish attention on girls they want something more with. The girls
know this game all too well and just soak it up - most often to boost a sagging self-image - and then when things start getting more serious, they hope to be in a real relationship so that they have an excuse to pull back claiming, "Oh, we're just FRIENDS!" (sound familiar?)

By the way - do you want to know which guys actually GET the girls? It's the ones that DON'T become friends first and that understand that they balance the attention they give them with the investment they get back from the girl. This is why you're NEVER going to have what you want with her; nor the next one or the next one after that if you continue doing what you've done with this girl.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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