Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/28/2011

Question
Dear Dr. Nader,

  Since I am 59, there's too many details to go into.  But although i have no overt reason to be so, I am very gunshy on approaching attractive females. A female older friend is exasperated that I am "beautiful" and talented and wasting my life in a lonely whirlpool when all I have to do is "snap out of it" and realize my potential. The same goes for my work life..the pitts. Depression, anxiety and meds all play their part, and 30 years in a prudish sect (left in 95) doesn't help, but I am interested in actually doing something to break the cycle. There are too many "positive thinking" aids out there to count...but they are too vague. I think my therapist is stumped. Why am I? In addition, I can find no other means for meeting women than the NET.  there are no social mixers for singles my age...so I never know who is single and stymied at most occasions. I have no circle of friends to help out...new town. The "how to" of the first confident steps is what I need. A self-defense class? Acting lessons on sexy smiling, anything I can physically participate in that can jump-start my self-confidence. Funds are limited to non-corporate methods.

Thanks

Answer
Hello Nelson!

First off, I'm not at all surprised to hear that your therapist isn't helping you break through any of this. The reality is that therapy is pretty ineffective when it comes to severe social anxiety, meeting and attracting women, etc. It mostly comes down to exploring your past experiences and pep-talks to "be more confident!" Not very effective. Neither is positive thinking.

Yes, I agree that you need a far more direct (maybe intensive) approach, and there are at least a few options.

As to finding single's groups that cater to men your age, in fact, there *are* such groups. I see a new one popping up just about every other week. The very last one I saw was here in Los Angeles called "50+ Friends", so I certainly know they're out there. If you're not finding them, it's because you're not looking in the right places. I suggest you start with meetup.com in your local area and see what you can find there.

Yes, I agree. Doing something new and really getting into it (like acting or self-defense) can be a great aid in getting past this. You should definitely find at least one new hobby. Not only will it help you build confidence, but as you explore it, you're going to likely meet some new people as well. There is a group dedicated to every hobby, event or activity you can think of and that will get you out and around new people.

Let's talk about approach anxiety ("AA") for a moment.

The biggest reason that men suffer from AA isn't really confidence (although that's certainly one good excuse). It's because of a lack of education. The problem is that you don't know how to approach someone and let the unreasonable fears of being rejected permeate your mind. Let's say that you knew exactly how to approach someone, to build rapport and connection and to close for exactly what you wanted and knew you'd get positive outcomes, do you really think you'd lack "confidence" in this way? Of course not.

That's why this is about education, NOT confidence.

At this point, it comes down to asking yourself a question: how many more years are you going to waste with these barriers and not getting the education you need to be successful with women? Breaking through that barrier of anxiety can be fixed. You weren't born with it. One option (probably the best) is with an NLP session or two in order to get your mind reprogrammed. You can check out my website for "personal coaching time" for more on this.

Getting educated is a different process. It's about acquiring knowledge and changing your mental game. My books are all about doing exactly this. Along that road, let's start with this important concept: you're interested in approaching "women", NOT "females".

"Female" is a designation like "factory worker" or "liberal democrat". It's not a person. You use this term in your mind to help keep you separated from them. Stop that. Women aren't scary creatures that you can't get to know or understand. They are just like you and have the same dreams and goals you do. WE are all in this together - man and woman.

Don't you think it's about time to get into the game already?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
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