Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/21/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello.

Recently, I have gotten into the habit of asking women out everywhere I go. For instance, a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor's office for my annual checkup and the nurse there was a cute woman who took care of all my medical checkups. At the end, I asked her out and she blushed like an apple. She was very flattered but came up with a lame excuse about being too busy, but I took that as a polite "no", so I moved on. The other day, I went to a new dentist for my annual checkup and this beautiful dentist assistant took care of my cleaning. We introduced ourselves, began to talk about ourselves, and bonding with each other. As the conversation progressed, I could see that we had wonderful chemistry, so at the end of my cleaning, I got up from the chair, glanced around to make sure we were the only ones in the room and I asked her out. She turned away from me, blushed like an apple and smiled broadly. Then she said that she was very flattered and thanked me for the complement but she was already seeing someone else. I graciously told her that I understood and that I had to try. She respected my courage and I knew deep down that she was telling the truth and that she would go out with me if she were single.

But now, there is another woman I am interested in. She works as a secretary at a medical facility where I take my mom for her chemo-therapy sessions. The secretary is quite beautiful and very sweet. The thing is, she doesn't work there full-time and the days she works are not always set in stone. But every time we meet, we greet each other and I can sense that she's a nice person. I feel strongly attracted to this woman, but this puts me in a tight spot because my mom has two more weeks of chemo and at the same time, I want to ask this woman out, but she is either chatting with her co-worker or on the phone talking to customers and transferring calls.

What kind of strategy do you recommend in which I can ask her out?


Sincerely,

Steven

ANSWER: Hello Steven!

That's actually a great habit to be in! I only wish you'd learn how to do it right rather than blowing all these prospects out of the water.

You broke the ice with the nurse and the dental assistant. That was very good. But, then, you closed for the wrong things at the wrong times. Even when these girls threw you the most minor objections, you just laid down and went into the fetal position rather than dealing with the objection!

Steven, an objection is NOT a "no"! It's simply a signal that you haven't done enough work yet. You haven't built enough rapport and connection to be eligible for the close. Then, when you close, you're doing it for a date. This ONLY works when you can take the date right then and there. When someone's at work, they obviously can't do that - even for a date after work.

There are 3 different closes based on whether you're going for digits, an impromptu date or sex. You're mixing them up.

As to the secretary, I can't tell you when she's working or when she's available to talk to you at the clinic. You have to figure that out. That said however, there's absolutely nothing wrong with approaching her when she's talking to someone else. You can either wait politely, making eye contact so that she knows you want to talk to her or can simply say, "When you get a minute..."

If she tries to "fit you in" while she's talking to someone else, you can just say, "No, when you're done. I'll be here for another hour or so".

You'll also need to have some context to approach her. There are a number of ways to find or build context, but the best is simply to determine what you and she have in common. What specifically at this place, at this time, in this situation do you have between you two? Again, that's not something I can answer for you, but it shouldn't be hard for you to figure that out.

That context is the reason to approach her and to break the ice. Once, that is done, the rapport and connection building comes next to finish off with the close.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello again, Dennis.

Thank you for your reply and informative feedback, especially on my strengths and weaknesses. I had no idea that the objections that these women threw at me was not a "no" as oppose to needing more information because I've always thought that was the case.

How will I know once I develop enough rapport and connection before I close the deal?


Sincerely,

Steven

Answer
Hello again Steven!

Here's a learning question for you: what does a girl really mean when she says "no"?

Answer: it's a trick question. Women never say "no"! NEVER! (They will say "maybe" however, which means "no".)

Whenever you get an objection, that's actually a good thing. You need to learn how to deal with them - and it's not hard. You think an objection is a door being closed. It's not. It's simply a window being opened for you to climb through. That's true of any objection by the way!

There are a lot of signals that come about by building rapport and connection. Some of them are overt like her touching your arm or "accidentally" brushing up against you. Some are covert like the way she looks at you or the inflection in your voice. There are a ton of them and far more than I can go through here in these messages. I suggest that you take a look at my first two books where I go into all of this in great depth.

I'll say this however: as soon as you've built enough rapport and connection (and as long as the girl senses that you could do this yourself anyway) she'll often "close" you! I can't tell you how often I have girls look around or ask me for a pen or my cell phone so that they can give me their numbers. These girls are definitely at the point where there's more than enough rapport and connection and want to move things forward.

Even in lieu of this; when the conversation seems to have reached a high point, when you and she are intently focused and playing the game together, you'll feel things peaking (and this doesn't have to be long into the conversation, you can do it inside of 2 minutes!) that's when you know you have enough rapport and connection to close.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"