Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/17/2011

Question
well ive read over alot of your answers to people and 2 b honest im not expecting to hear any good news but. Im in love with this girl ive known for 9 years i met her when i was 13. i was dating her best friend, she used to hate me she would always tell her friend i was a loser and she needs to break up with me. towards the end of our relationship me and her friend starting getting closer and closer. after breaking up with old girlfriend id find myself staying up with her all night talking to her over instant messenger when i was at home every day. and go to see her spend the night at her house alot we would talk about everything, what we wanted to do with out lifes our childhoods our problems our secrets ive gotten to know pretty much every detail of her life. after about a 6 or 8 mounths of trying to win her i told her how i felt and she told me she only thought of me as a friend and she feels a relationship would hurt that and she doesnt ever want to loss me of coarse not to long later she found a boyfriend. u stopped talking to her that day she would constantly call me trying to get me back in her life even crying sometimes but i just blew her off. every once in a while when i was depressed id get a hold of her just for a little emotional support. but anyways i moved out of state and completly stopped talking to her for almost 3 years. eventualy we started communicating over the phone again she would be really flirty with me and would tell me she loved me all the time and try to convince me to move back into state. eventualy i did move back into state and for the first phew weeks things went good between us she really seemed like she wanted me she even broke up with her boyfriend one time because he didnt want her hanging around me, but got back togather with him the next day. for the last 2 or 3 years id say ive been continueing to try to move on and stop talking to her so i can get her out of my head but whenever i do that she will not accept it and will call me repeatidly every day no matter where i go ... ill usualy go a good 3 mounths of success in not talking to her but i always cave because i have strong feelings for her. she calls me atleast 3 or 4 times a week and tells me every detail of her life. we see eachother in person maybe once or twice a mounth and even stays the night with me sometimes usualy always just me and her alone maybe sometimes her boyfriend will b there for certain reasons i dont want to get into. she is really passionate and caring with me and is always very concerned with how im doing and if im ok. I want to start a relationship with her just dont know how to go about it or even if she is interested by the vibes i get from her i think she wants one with me, but i just dont know. I really value our friendship but if thats all its ever going to be i know i wont be happy. ive slept around a little(not with her) but have never had a serious relationship i dont know if thats relavant. but anyways what is ur take on this? i know ive heard u say once ur in the "friend zone" its game over but i dont want to accept that fact. and if u feel she isnt interested in me that way i would appreciate some advice on how to make that change i know the chances may be little but there is that chance and i would like to learn how to go about that. i tryed to keep it short and simple and not give out unneccisary details but it is just not a short and simple situation sorry.

Answer
Hello Kent!

No situation is absolutely "hopeless", but this one is pretty close. Normally, I'd just tell you to go directly to my website and get a few hours of personal coaching because there are so many complicated issues here that would require heavy strategy and training if you're ever going to get passed them. I doubt you'll do that because up until now, you've taken (what you think is) the easy road, so I'll just try to give you some ideas instead. I'm not trashing you here, but I doubt much of what I'm going to tell you will even be listened to let alone adopted.

I guess we'll see.

First of all, you've been going through all of this for 9 years. Kent - Nine fucking years!!! That's a lot of time to devote to a losing situation, don't you think? Yes, not ever having had a relationship is a HUGE issue and absolutely relevant. Can you think of any reason why that is so? I sure can - your devotion to this girl.

It's absolutely relevant because it means you haven't developed the skills you need to be in a relationship with someone you consider to be a "high-value target". What do you bring to the table? That you're a "nice guy"? Well, that's great and I'm sure your grandmother appreciates it, but she's not your target market!

Let me offer up some perspective. You need to get your head out of your ass and wrapped securely around what I'm about to tell you. Pay attention and don't brush this off:

This girl is a USER and doesn't really give a shit about you, Kent - the person. She cares only for herself. She couches this in the idea that you're "friends" when she knows exactly what you really want and actually uses that to manipulate and use you for her own benefit while you sit there and die a little every single time you talk to or see her.

She's an emotional vampire; sucking the life blood out of you and your own happiness as you wait for her to change her mind about things. She's not going to do this; at least not on her own. Why should she? You don't offer much resistance. She can keep calling you and dragging you right back into her clutches where she gets whatever she wants and you get nothing that you want.

In fact, it's the very fact that you get nothing and she gets everything that makes this twisted situation work for her. Kent, in short, she owns you.

Therein lies the real problem. Do you think that any woman would love - let alone, respect - a man that she owns so clearly and easily? If you're not sure, let me help you: No. No fucking way. Absolutely not. Never. Not possible.

Now, do you think that any woman with so little respect and consideration for you could just change her mind in an instant and start loving you?

Let me be clear on what I'm saying here: I'm not saying that you're not lovable or worthy of love - even hers. In fact, you are. However, you have done everything in your power to NOT do the hard work to earn it. Instead, you think that by trying to "work it from the inside" that eventually, she'll just change her mind if you hang in there long enough.

Kent, that ridiculous theme works only in movies. It doesn't work in real life. It's absolutely contrary to the very clear, very specific way that women are wired! You are never going to be able to change that wiring - but you can work with it to get what you want.

In order to do that however, you're going to have to completely change your mindset - every little bit of it. That's why I began this response with the reality of just what and who this woman really is. You refuse to see it because your head is befuddled with these ridiculous "love goggles" you're wearing.

As long as you have those over your eyes, you're never, ever, ever going to be able to do all the things you need to do in order to change this girl to anything but what you have right now.

So, therein lies the fundamental question: do you have enough personal strength, enough personal discipline, enough motivation to really change all of this in yourself FIRST?

I'm sorry Kent, I don't think you do. I don't even have to know you well to say that. All I need to do is to look at the two most important facts here: 9 years of this abuse and 0 relationships to show for it. I'll bet you've even lost other friends, lovers and maybe family over this too, haven't you?

That doesn't make you a "loser" by the way. It simply means that you're undisciplined, uneducated and unskilled. Those are all things you have control of however! You can decide right here, right now that you're going to stop all this madness, go for broke (using the RIGHT tools however) and either get what you want and lay waste to her self-absorbed, mentally-abusive, using ways or you're going to lay down and just accept being her doormat. The choice is entirely yours.

So, if you're not willing to do that; you're not willing to change that 6 inches between your ears and start doing the hard to work to get what you want, there isn't much I can do for you. All the good advice, technique, perspective, philosophy and intention in the world isn't going to get you this girl.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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