Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/4/2011

Question
Hello there,

What if a guy has a female best friend, should his partner be ok with it?

Answer
Hello Jim!

As with most things, it depends.

Your partner (lover) has the right to not have their relationship with you influenced by outside forces - just as you do. Likewise, each person has the responsibility to come to a relationship with their own perspective in check.

This is critical to answering this question. The reason is simple: if a guy's "friendship" with a girl is there because he is or was attracted to her before, it's not appropriate in the context of a relationship. There are ways to manage that of course. For example, if being with the friend is only acceptable when the lover is invited to join in, or otherwise ok's it because they know it's going on - and there are others.

Likewise, if a person is unhappy about their lover's opposite-sex friendship because of insecurity even though the other person has no attraction to that friend, that's a different issue. This quickly becomes a case where no trust exists on ANY level with ANY person simply because the person can't trust themselves to make good decisions about things in a relationship.

Now, some reality: we all have connections with the opposite sex other than our lovers/partners. The line between what's appropriate and what's not isn't a fine as it seems on the surface.

My recommendation to anyone that has this situation is to see the friend not as your lover's friend, but as a friend of the couple. Get to know him or her and bond with them just as your partner does. This not only cements your position as more than a friend in your partner's life, but also helps to keep everything out in the open.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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